"A High School Prom"

Holy crap! Today's my birthday! You don't have to worry about sending me birthday wishes. Both of my friends will take care of that. Anyway, here are today's jokes!

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".

Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.

Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.

A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?

A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.

California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?

A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?

That's all for today!