Monday, February 27, 2012

"Inhaling Helium"

A teenage girl recently died after inhaling helium at a party. This might be only time that I laugh when I hear someone's last words.

A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.

Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?

A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar.

Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was charged with cocaine distribution. In other news, Dorothy Sandusky was charged with molesting little boys.

There was a story of a 13-year old girl who posted an "Am I Pretty Or Ugly" video on Facebook. News flash: if you have to go on Facebook to ask other people of you're pretty or ugly, chances are, you're ugly.

Gas has reached $5 a gallon in Los Angeles. If you wanna get paid to have your tank filled, go to San Fernando Valley. (thinker)

500 Blockbuster stores may close this year. This will bring the total number of running Blockbuster stores to -350.

Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country."

An 11-year old girl in California died after fighting with a classmate over a boy. Two girls fighting over a boy; something I will never experience.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

Monday, February 6, 2012

"Crotch Grabbing Dance"

The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.

The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.

Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.

A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".

A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.

A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.

A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?

Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.

A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.

The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!