Thursday, May 4, 2017

"Ivanka Trump's Clothing Line"

Former Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez died in prison at the age of 27. And yet he still has a better chance of making it to the MLB than Tim Tebow.

ESPN has laid off a big portion of its on air talent, including football analyst Trent Dilfer. Now, "Dilfer Dimes" will refer to the coins in a cup that's next to an "Anything helps, God bless" sign.

A scorpion stung a man on a United flight to Calgary. There were many doctors on board who could help, but they were too afraid to speak up.

The US recently dropped the "Mother of all Bombs" on an ISIS facility in Afghanistan. If Donald Trump took credit for this bombing, it would be the first time that any of his bombs didn't file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

Due to all of Donald Trump's controversial remarks, Nordstrom dropped Ivanka Trump's clothing line. This is the first time Donald Trump has ever been mad that his daughter's clothes were removed.

Pepsi has come under fire for a controversial commercial featuring Kendall Jenner. We know Pepsi screwed up with the commercial because hiring Kendall Jenner as an actress was only their second worst judgment call.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released Jamaal Charles. He is the Chiefs' all time leader with 7,260 yards driven off the field on the back of a cart.

Cavaliers PG Kyrie Irving has come under fire for believing in the flat earth theory. It's strange that people responded to this by saying he should've stayed in college as if the Earth being round is something you learn in your junior year.

In the Super Bowl, the Falcons halftime lead against the Patriots was 28-3. The Patriots 1st half was so bad, the girl on Tinder who banged Julian Edelman called him to say she just likes him as a friend.

The Houston Rockets retired Yao Ming's jersey. He's the first player in NBA history to be tall enough to hang his own jersey in the rafters.

LB Jamie Collins signed a 4-year contract with the Browns. This means he'll be the newest player to have fans regularly tear his jersey in half.

Singer Makonnen came out as gay. Upon hearing this, VP Mike Pence proposed a constitutional amendment that bans nightclubs from being open on Tuesdays.

That's all I have for right now! Nothing to talk about now. Same shit, different day. Just trying to make it at my new internship and trying to deal with all the stress that comes with it. I'll be back a few months from now with more jokes!

Thursday, January 19, 2017

"Thou Shalt Commit Adultery"

Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. It's already improving the economy, as cyanide and Kool-Aid sales have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump came under fire for saying that he likes to "grab women by the pussy". If that comment taught me anything about Donald Trump, it's that he sucks at foreplay.

3 Doors Down is playing at Donald Trump's Inauguration. They've gone crazy, which begs the question: will you still call them Superman?

Joe Biden received an honorary Presidential Medal of Freedom. He was very disappointed when he found out it didn't have chocolate in the center.

Bengals HC Marvin Lewis may stop coaching after 2016. This is strange, because he usually stops coaching during the first round of the playoffs.

Alan Thicke has died at the age of 74. This means that in five months, Robin Thicke will release an album trying to bring him back to life.

During a TD celebration, Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott jumped in a Salvation Army kettle. Oh sure when he does it it's fine, but when I do it people "frantically search for a lid to trap me in".

Donald Trump has been selecting members of his cabinet, and his choices have been very controversial. But to his credit, it's the first time he's had a cabinet that wasn't full of stuff made in China.

The Bengals have released K Mike Nugent. He kicked himself to the curb, which proved the Bengals right because he was aiming for the sidewalk.

Old tablets with the Ten Commandments on them are up for auction in Beverly Hills. This is ironic since Beverly Hills' official slogan is "Thou shalt commit adultery".

Tila Tequila has been kicked off of Twitter for supporting Nazism. The only thing crazier than the fact that Tila Tequila is a Nazi is the fact that I'm saying any of those words in 2016.

Donald Trump's national security advisor said that "Islam is like cancer". That makes no sense, because Islam has never inspired me to run a 5k.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his "experience and ideology". Wow, he's even outsourcing his compliments to China.

Universal is opening a Jimmy Fallon themed ride. The one catch: instead of putting your hands in the air, you put them in Donald Trump's hair.

The Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series. It's crazy to think that the last time the Chicago Cubs were World Series champions, David Ross was just 13 years old.

Vine is shutting down. This means that Vine stars will have to resort to YouTube to show people how painfully unfunny they are.

RB Arian Foster is walking away from football. In typical Arian Foster fashion, he's doing so on one leg while being assisted by a coach and a trainer.

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died at the age of 87. Due to his death, other caskets will put a nickel on the ground so they don't lose their burial plot.

Well, that's it for right now. So I forgot to post on New Year's Eve, so I figured I'd make up for it by posting on the final day of Barack Obama's presidency (which, in all honesty, flew the fuck by). Anyway, 2016 was the craziest year of my life. I hit even more milestones, met a bunch of new people, worked a couple of killer weekends at Go Bananas, and, unfortunately had my driver's license suspended (I'm in the clear now). I'm expecting even crazier things to happen in 2017, and so far it hasn't disappointed, as I have already changed my so-called iconic Twitter handle (I'm now @bigschubes), met new friends and worked an amazing weekend at Go Bananas. If I interacted with you at all in 2016, thank you for being a part of it. I love you and you're the best. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!