Friday, October 29, 2010

"A Free Joint"

Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.

The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.

The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.

China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.

Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?

A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.

A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.

A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.

James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.

A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.

Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

"His Opponent's Stench"

Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are getting a divorce. Mainly because Billy Ray had feelings for another woman. His daughter.

A Colorado man told police he shot himself while sleepwalking and remembered nothing about it. I'm no Albert Einstein, but if you can describe what happened, you clearly remembered something about it.

A California congressional candidate mailed a scratch-and-sniff ad representing his opponent’s stench in Washington. Come on, dude. That idea stinks.

Arizona executed a guy on Tuesday. The crime? Not showing his papers to the police.

The head of British Airways blasted U.S. airport security as being “useless”. He's just finding this out?

NASA is proposing a mission where astronauts would be flown to Mars and left there forever. The person most suggested: Nancy Pelosi.

15 people were killed in a car wash shooting in Mexico. 15 people in Mexico? That's like an entire Toyota Prius.

Archaeologists claim they have found the site of the wedding of Pocahontas in 1614. This comes as a shock to both people that actually care.

The original Darth Vader costume from “Star Wars” will be up for auction. The buyer may be single, but ladies, at least he's got a lot of money.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

"Depressed Women"

ABC canceled its new legal drama “The Whole Truth”, which attracted just 5.3 million viewers. Coincidentally, Congress has never heard of this show.

Actor Charlie Sheen was taken to a New York hospital for psychiatric evaluations after throwing furniture around a hotel room. I guess "furniture" was the name of his new girlfriend.

A new study says every year 400,000 babies are born to depressed women. This number goes down to 100,000 if you don't factor in the Octomom.

The NBA is investigating New York Knicks workouts. Who knew video games were a workout?

The world's oldest twins have turned 100. Here's how old they are: even they don't know which person is which.

Air New Zealand will offer a “cuddle class” in coach where people can lie down during flights. Who knew airlines came up with a class that actually has leg room?

Jon Stewart has been named the Most Influential Man of 2010 by If a reject who makes terrible jokes about current events is at the top of the list, then why am I not anywhere on the list?

Charlie Sheen was found drunk and naked along with a prostitute in a trashed New York City hotel room. Usually when that happens to Charlie Sheen, he's on the set of Two and a Half Men.

An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. That's the biggest worm to enter someone's mouth since, I guess, Paris Hilton.

That's all I have for now! More later!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

"Broke His Collarbone"

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he accepts bags of cash from Iran. To which the U.S. said, "What's his secret?"

A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.

A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.

Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.

Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...

A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".

Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?

A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.

A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).

Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.

A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.

BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.

China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?

The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

"Scaled Back"

Wrangler Jeans has scaled back on their TV ads featuring Brett Favre. Mainly because Brett Favre isn't known for wearing pants anymore.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s approval ratings have dropped to an all time low. What's the deal with Presidents and low ratings these days?

The CDC says that up to one third of American adults could have diabetes by 2050. Or at least it would seem that way.

A California woman drove several months with the dead body of a homeless woman in her passenger seat. And she still had new car smell.

South Africa is considering banning vuvuzelas after fans threw some onto the field at a soccer game. Who would have thought in a million years that vuvuzelas would be banned for a reason different than people being annoyed?

A study says that clenching your muscles can help boost willpower to achieve certain goals. This study was conducted by old guys on the toilet.

The creators of “South Park” have apologized for using other writers’ lines. Haha! That's what she said!

400.000 leaked government documents about the War in Iraq portray a nation that is weak and divided. The real question is, which nation is that: Iraq or the US?

MySpace admits sharing user data with advertisers. Who do they think they are, Facebook?

The cast of “Jersey Shore” fought on a recent show over which of them is the most fake. In the end, everybody won.

A new blood test may help detect schizophrenia. Here's how it works: if you have more than one blood type, you are schizophrenic.

A new book explains why overachievers tend to choke under pressure. This book is entitled "New York Yankees".

Scientists at UCLA are developing a battery that is smaller than a grain of salt. Talk about a salt and battery.

Scientists in Israel have developed material that could lead to the toughest body armor ever. In America, we call that "Body fat".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

"Four Feet Long"

Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.

Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.

The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?

The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?

A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.

The web domain name “” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.

McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?

A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.

A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.

The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.

Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.

Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.

7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.

A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".

That's all for right now! More later!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Missing Northern Kentucky Teenager

This post is putting aside all jokes

As many people in Cincinnati may have heard, there is a 17-year old teenage girl missing. Her name is Paige Johnson. Many people are crushed by her disappearance. Her friends, family, and acquaintances want closure. In fact, I knew Paige. It turns out, she was in my fifth grade class at R.C. Hinsdale Elementary in Edgewood, Kentucky with Mr. Frampton. Paige, I know you probably don't read my blog, but if you are out there, please return. We are scared to death.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. We pray for your reappearance (alive, of course).

"Wine Grape Crop"

US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.

In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?

Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.

In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.

The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".

A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.

A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.

A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.

A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.

The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?

A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.

An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?

A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?

Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

"A Group Of Stars"

Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".

In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.

Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".

Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".

A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.

Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".

Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?

A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.

A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.

The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".

In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"Drove Off A Cliff"

There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. One of the endangered species: straight Republican senators.

President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.

Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.

Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.

China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.

A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.

Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.

A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.

There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.

Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.

A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.

A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

Monday, October 18, 2010

"Mental Disorders"

“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.

Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.

Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.

A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.

A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".

A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.

The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.

Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"Pixie Dust"

Michael Jordan says that if he were playing in his prime right now, he could score 100. Of course, this means that he'd have to play the Clippers.

A study says that cavemen were skilled at parenting. You know what this means? Lindsay Lohan's parents are not cavemen.

A study says that only 2% of obese people feel they need to lose weight. The other 98% are people I call "crazy".

A poll says 50% of Americans are pessimistic about their children's future. I know that pessimism is seeing the glass as half-empty, but I didn't know half of Americans saw the glass half-empty.

A phone bill analysis says that the average teenager sends 3,339 texts each month. Dozens of these texts were sent while the teens were not driving.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” And after the speech, she tested positive for every drug on the planet.

That's all for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

Friday, October 15, 2010

"Welcome 2 America"

Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.

Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.

Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.

The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.

A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.

A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.

New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.

Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?

Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.

That's all for right now! More later!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

"Taking Tests"

Scientists say a humpback whale traveled more than 6,000 miles, from Brazil to the Indian Ocean, searching for a mate. Unfortunately for the whale, it was a creepy old fat guy who turned out to be a predator.

Oklahoma was rattled by a 5.1 earthquake. In fact, almost everything was destroyed in the middle of nowhere.

A music band blocked the 101 freeway in Los Angeles and performed on top of their truck as part of a publicity stunt. The song they performed: On The Road Again.

New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Note to self: if a Republican takes a stance against gays, he's gay.

Health officials estimate that 1 in 22 black Americans will be diagnosed with the AIDS virus in their lifetime. These are people I call "guests on the Maury Povich show".

According to a new study, taking tests is better for kids' brains than simply studying. This study was not conducted by schoolkids.

Justin Bieber is reportedly making fun of Tom Brady's hair. To which Brady responded, "Grow a pair and then we'll talk".

That's all I have for today! I wish I could have more, but I don't. More coming tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"Related To Sarah Palin"

In an effort to be bio-friendly, Walmart will sell pet products made from trash. Don't they already do that?

Google is investing $5 billion in an offshore wind project. Isn't Google blowing this out of proportion?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. And that money is just to the CEOs.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. Now, their newest problem: finding someplace that has service.

The Chinese company making Apple’s iPhones is being criticized with allegations of worker abuse. Chinese workers are looking for ways to heal their boo-boos.

A new study says that if California legalizes marijuana it won’t hurt the drug cartels because Californians already grow their own pot. Do you want proof that pot is actually grown? Look in Lindsay Lohan's shoe and Paris Hilton's mouth.

A New Zealand TV host resigned after mocking the name of Indian official Sheila Dikshit. He should have resigned. After all, he had no right to mock the name "Sheila".

A former sports agent says he paid Ryan Leaf $10,000 when he was still in college. You know who represents this guy now? Reggie Bush.

Genealogy reports say that Barack Obama is related to Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Somebody better put the President under suicide watch.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to do some community service. Hopefully it involves her not being on TV.

A set of John Lennon's fingerprints being auctioned for at least $100,000 was seized by the FBI. The creepy part about all this: the only place they could find fingerprints were on Yoko Ono's skin.

Warren Buffett says that "Pain will be felt for a long time" as the economy recovers. Unless you are Warren Buffett.

The Supreme Court will rule on a case that asks if terrorist laws apply to when a wife attacks her husband. Who would have thought that Elin Nordegren would have been worse off than Tiger Woods?

House Minority Leader John Boehner says if the GOP takes control of Congress they will cut spending weekly. Exactly what is the problem with that?

A man who tried to streak in front of President Obama was doing it to cash in on an offer of a million dollars from a British website. The speech involved a guy who made himself look like an idiot and didn't care what anybody thought. And a naked guy was there, too.

Twitter is targeting one billion users. One billion people have used it; kind of like Paris Hilton.

A study says the fastest growing areas in the country show a big income drop. Mainly because of people we call "illegal immigrants".

The coach of the Detroit Lions is denying his team tried to run up the score in a 44-6 win over the Rams. Football fans were shocked. The Lions know how to score touchdowns?

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"Eleven Members"

An over-exuberant author threw a copy of their book at President Obama during a recent campaign rally. He picked it up, and he read the title: "Going Rogue".

Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".

A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.

So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.

The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.

A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.

Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...

The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.

Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".

Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.

A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, October 11, 2010

"Three Errors"

GOP strategist Karl Rove says the Obama White House has developed an “enemies list”. Okay, Karl, let's be fair. It's not like Dick Cheney didn't do the same thing.

A new study says living under a flight path may be bad for your heart. The best place to live: the runways where airplanes are actually supposed to land.

A survey in Britain found that people over the age of 52 are grumpy. Especially when people tell them that they should go to the dentist.

Atlanta Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday against the Giants cost the Braves the game. The last person with that many errors within a span of three hours: President George W. Bush.

Wal-Mart is ending their profit sharing plan with employees. This marks the first time in history that "Wal-Mart", "profit", and "employees" have all been used in the same sentence.

A Michigan man is planning to ride a Harley-Davidson motorcycle 300 miles with no hands. Funeral arrangements have been set for Thursday.

Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman were downing shots of Tequila at a Hispanic award gala. Apparently it was a drinking game. They would take shots for every time they saw one of Meg Whitman's employees.

A study says that poverty is growing in American suburbs. Who knew poverty could get worse?

The PBA is planning to start using instant replay in its matches. This is expected to have a profound effect on both people who still watch the PBA.

A survey by Fidelity Investments says that one quarter of investors would now be happy to break even. Isn't that called "playing in a casino"?

A study says that 18% more people are taking painkillers at work. Apparently these people just found out what it's like to have a boss.

That's all I have for now! More later!

Saturday, October 9, 2010

"More Privacy"

California scientists reportedly over calculated pollution levels by 340%. Apparently they spent too much time in Lindsay Lohan's house.

CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.

China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".

Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".

Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.

A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.

Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.

The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.

A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.

Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.

Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Friday, October 8, 2010

"Intelligence Leaks"

The musical comedy show "Glee" has bested The Beatles record for the most hit singles. Of course, those singles were sung by other artists.

Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. A show with all three sisters would never work. If Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are all in a show together, the show would be called KKK.

The Social Security Administration says that 89,000 stimulus checks for $250 each were sent to people who were either dead or in jail. They spent money that turned out useless? It must have been by force of habit.

A poll says that 25% of college students would be relieved to not be so connected to the Internet and their cell phones. These people are commonly referred to as "liars".

According to a new study, poor health care is shortening American lives. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Sandra Bullock is in negotiations to star in the movie “Gravity”. If it's a movie about things that are scientifically forced to the ground, it must be a documentary about her marriage to Jessie James.

Sunday’s date of 10/10/10 is attracting a rush of people to get married. The exact opposite thing happened on 6/6/06.

Michelle Obama has been picked as the world’s most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place: Justin Bieber.

A new book says that nine out of ten Americans believe in God. The other person is what most Americans call "a scientist".

A poll says that 50% more Americans are voting early. In that case, when's Election Day?

President Obama is reportedly upset with intelligence leaks to the media. He's also upset over media reports leaking that he's upset.

Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Nancy Pelosi is furious over the decision, and I agree. Lady Gaga doesn't really qualify as a "woman".

Tourism to Mexico is up 20% this year. You know the economy sucks when more people are going to Mexico than from Mexico.

The 14 year old girl who was the voice of “Dora The Explorer” is suing Nickelodeon, saying they cheated her out of millions of dollars of royalties. Because every bilingual 8-year old deserves to be a multimillionaire.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

"A Second Shot"

So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.

Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?

New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.

Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.

A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?

A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.

A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.

The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.

A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.

Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?

A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".

A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

"The Creepy Line"

What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.

Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.

The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.

The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?

Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.

Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?

A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".

A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.

A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.

An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.

A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?

The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.

A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

"Lean Forward"

Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".

In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".

In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.

The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.

MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".

A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.

Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.

Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.

Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.

A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.

A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.

A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.

A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.

A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Monday, October 4, 2010

"Received Death Threats"

The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.

In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.

The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.

The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.

In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".

John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.

The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".

CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".

South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.

Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.

Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.

A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

"Empty Calories"

A poll says 32.3% of Americans are not affiliated with a major party. The other 67.7% work in politics.

Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.

The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.

A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.

The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?

A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?

A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.

A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.

A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.

Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Friday, October 1, 2010

"Food Porn"

The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?

The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?

The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.

The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?

A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.

Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.

Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.

A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?

A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.

The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?

Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?

Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?

A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.

Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!