"Wine Grape Crop"

US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.

In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?

Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.

In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.

The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".

A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.

A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.

A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.

A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.

The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?

A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.

An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?

A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?

Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!