Saturday, May 29, 2010

"A Risky Procedure"

Joke of the Day: A teenage driver in New York crashed his car after passing out while trying to hold his breath. This is the first time in a long time that someone who crashed their car was holding something other than their cell phone.

Cold Stone Creamery’s “PB&C” milkshake at more than 2,000 calories has been called the worst drink in America by Men’s Health Magazine. This is obviously not the worst-tasting drink in America.

A Dominican man went on a cocaine binge that resulted in an erection that lasted 27 days. And you thought four hours raised concerns.

A study says that children are more likely to be injured in every day activities on holidays. Like papercuts when opening Christmas presents.

Tiger Woods reportedly has been told not to date until his divorce is final. Unfortunately, Tiger knows the difference between dates and hook-ups.

Researchers say that elderly people should avoid wearing bifocal glasses outside to cut down the chance of falling. Here's an idea to help them stop falling: get a wheelchair.

A poll says that 16% of Americans approve British Petroleum’s handling of the Gulf oil spill crisis. The percentage was changed to zero when the 16% was asked "Explain why".

A risky procedure to stop the oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico has yet to show much success. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. To which Bret Michaels said, "Wow, someone can die from that?".

Gary Coleman, child star of 1970s show "Diff'rent Strokes," has died after suffering a brain hemorrhage. His funeral is expected to be made fun of. For example, his casket used to be a shoebox.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, May 28, 2010

"Cures For Jet Lag"

Joke of the Day: A researcher has infected himself with a computer virus. The first sign of this: every six seconds, the researcher thinks he's won a free XBOX360.

May 28 is South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s 50th birthday. He celebrated with a trip to the Appalachian Mountains, and then another trip to Argentina.

At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "No, Malia, you have it all wrong. I said plug the damn hole, not just the hole."

At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "Well, not yet Malia, I have time. Biden doesn't have to give a speech until next week".

A new fad with young people in England has them pouring vodka directly into their eyes. Apparently a lot of young people in England prefer torture in their spare time.

Willie Nelson has cut his waist long braids off in favor of a shorter hair style. This marks the first time in history that Willie Nelson's bong has been longer than his hair.

Researchers say that cures for jet lag include coffee and sunlight. This is also known as "not flying Southwest".

President Obama’s border plan is said to be similar to that of President Bush’s. Let me be the first to say, "Oh God!".

A Chinese factory is asking for employees to sign a “no suicide” vow after twelve people have thrown themselves off buildings. This plan is expected to backfire. Six-year-olds probably don't know what the word "Suicide" is.

A study says that heavier girls are more likely to have early unprotected sex. That's because the heavy girls are too fat and lazy to get a condom.

A two year old Sumatran child smokes two packs of cigarettes a day. The child will most likely reunite with their British twin on "The Parent Trap".

That's all for now, my faithful reader! More coming up tomorrow!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

"Bob Dylan's Lyrics"

Joke of the Day: A college professor in New York is teaching Bob Dylan's lyrics as literature. That's like recommending Kirstie Alley's diet in health class.

A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.

British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.

Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.

President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?

Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?

A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.

Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Alex Schubert in the New York Times Blog

The Joke:
A West Virginia man set his house on fire after he returned home to find his wife did not have dinner ready for him. His wife said, “I hope you like burnt pork roast.”

Other great jokes:
Britney Spears wants her body cryogenically frozen so she can be brought back to life later. Just what she needs: another meltdown. – Bill Littlejohn, South Lake Tahoe, Calif.

A computer algorithm capable of identifying sarcasm in written text has been developed. Like that would ever be worth anything. – Jim-Bob Williams, St. Albans, W. Va.

The Cartoon Network is planning a campaign to teach children how to deal with bullies. First, you clobber them on the head with an oversize hammer, throw them off a cliff and then blow them up with an exploding cigar. – Jim Barach, Charleston, W. Va.

The N.F.L. had its spring meeting this week, and some big changes are in store for the upcoming season. They’re going to resurrect the Houston Oilers and have them play the New Orleans Dispersants. – Bill Mihalic, Rochester, Mich.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

"Undelivered Mail and Ads"

Joke of the Day: In the finale of Fox’s hit show “24”, government agent Jack Bauer was shot and beaten, but he was able to walk away. The episode is called, "A Day in the Life of a Rapper".

North Korea cut all ties with South Korea and said it will start a series of punitive actions against them. For starters, North Korea will play Justin Bieber music at full volume.

The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. The loser of the Super Bowl will be punished by staying in New Jersey.

Thousands of pieces of undelivered mail and ads from the early 1990s have been found in a shed in Michigan. Strangely enough, they were all Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Christina Aguilera has cancelled her US tour, claiming she needs more time to practice. I'm not sure she can wait another 45 years.

NBA Coach Phil Jackson said that he doesn't want to coach for the Chicago Bulls, but he was "intrigued" by the New Jersey Nets. That's like me saying, "Nah, I don't want to write comedy material for Jay Leno. However, I did hear that Carrot Top is hiring!".

Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise. Their parents were able to figure it out. They call it, "A backyard".

President Obama is becoming frustrated with the BP oil spill, and he is saying that he wants to "plug the damn hole". Either that, or he was talking about Joe Biden.

That's all for now. More later!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

"Consumed By A Star"

Joke of the Day: The Hubble telescope discovered a planet in our galaxy that was in the process of being consumed by a star. To which Al Gore said, "The planet is Earth, the star is the Sun, and the process is called Global Warming!".

The new president of the Philippines says he is not going to give up his smoking habit because it will affect his decision making. Apparently when he doesn't smoke, he makes good decisions.

The US Congress declared May 25 “National Tap Dance Day”. Next, they are going to declare May 26 "National Wear Earplugs Day".

A West Virginia man set his house on fire after he returned home to find his wife did not have dinner ready for him. To which his wife said, "I hope you like burnt pork roast".

The Supreme Court ruled that the National Football League consists of 32 separate professional teams. This is the clearest example ever of old people that just found something out.

Police in Chicago say an elderly couple was found buried in trash for three weeks. It turns out, Lou Piniella and his wife were locked in the Cubs locker room.

Hollywood studios are considering renting new films within thirty days of their release. Hollywood has now decided to change their name to "China".

Jesse James says he “wanted to be caught” cheating by Sandra Bullock. And with a woman who stands out as much as "Bombshell McGee", he did a good job of that.

Jesse James says he “wanted to be caught” cheating by Sandra Bullock. And, of course, not by Elin Nordegren with a nine-iron in her hand.

The CEO of British Petroleum says he is “Devastated by what I have seen” with the Gulf oil spill. This has devastated him so much that he hasn't been able to do anything in weeks.

Sarah Palin says Rand Paul is finding out what it is like to be her. Suicide Prevention programs have been asked to intervene.

That's all I have for today everyone! More coming tomorrow!

Monday, May 24, 2010

"The Youngest Climber Ever"

Joke of the Day: A government report says that one in eight public pools were shut down two years ago because of dirty water. In fact, they were so dirty that the pools considered relocating to the Gulf of Mexico.

Sarah Palin accused Pres. Obama of being in bed with the big oil companies. She also accused her daughter of being in bed with everybody.

A Massachusetts cleaning man was taken to the hospital after being sucked into a sausage-making machine. After the man was proven to be just fine, the hospital celebrated with a nice sausage barbecue.

A thirteen-year-old California boy became the youngest climber ever to reach the top of Mt. Everest. At least, that's what he told his parents.

Pres. Obama said that if LeBron James is looking for a new team, he would fit in well with Obama’s favorite Chicago Bulls. This is exactly like a bailout, but no money is involved.

A Virginia man has been sentenced to three months for disrupting an AirTran flight. The pilots were disappointed and called the man obnoxious, while the passengers called it, "The most pleasant AirTran flight in years".

The BP executive in charge of fighting the Gulf of Mexico oil spill said Monday his company knows people are frustrated by its failure to plug the well that has been gushing for more than a month. And yet, he hasn't done anything about it.

A judge on Monday ordered Lindsay Lohan to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. How about a bracelet for all the other stuff she does?

A new study says that many girls are addicted to Facebook. The same study conducted that Tiger Woods was addicted to sex.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

"Her Luggage Was Lost"

AT&T is now charging people who terminate their iPhone contracts nearly $325. Or, for $325 dollars less, you could throw your iPhone in a lake.

Yao Ming has become a father for the first time. His child will look up to him. Literally.

A study says that depression can affect children as young as three. Uh yeah, it's called "crying".

A survey ranks South Korea’s Asiana as the best airline in the world. Apparently North Korea was not allowed to take this survey.

A study says that entrepreneurship may be in a person’s genes. To which Levi Strauss' son said, "Yeah. Literally".

Sarah Palin had to borrow an outfit for a political rally after her luggage was lost. Well seriously, because somebody had a $150,000 outfit just laying around.

Movie tickets in some cities for the new “Shrek” movie have gone up to $20. Or, for about five dollars less, you could buy the DVD.

Arizona is threatening to cut off electricity to Los Angeles if LA continues its boycott of the illegal immigration law. And they are threatening all the Mexicans who live in LA back to Mexico.

Half of all American parents polled say they would like to be able to communicate with their child's physician via the Internet, a new survey reveals. The other half would like their doctor to get off the computer and actually do their job.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, May 21, 2010

"A Tumultuous 16-Month Tenure"

Joke of the Day: A study says that fish fear their own reflections and won’t stare at themselves in a mirror. Who knew so many fish lived in Hollywood?

Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.

McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.

A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".

A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.

The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".

Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.

AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.

A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?

A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.

A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?

That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!

Alex Schubert in the Laughlines Blog

Lots of jokes were featured. Also, congrats to comedy writing friends Jerry Perisho, Will Durst, Alan Ray, Neil Berliner, and Janice Hough for making it as well!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

"Backing Wii Video Games"

Joke of the Day: A study says that men taking Viagra are at risk of hearing loss. This mysterious ailment is called "Becoming old".

A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.

A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.

A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.

The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.

Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.

John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.

Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.

A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.

That's all for now. More later!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"Unwanted Scrap"

Joke of the Day: A pitbull has reportedly taken Viagra to help him stay alive. If the pitbull takes Viagra and stays alive for more than four hours, he must call his doctor.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?

Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.

Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.

GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.

Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.

Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.

BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!

A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

Monday, May 17, 2010

"Another Player's Shoe"

Joke of the Day: An immigrant won Sunday night's Miss USA pageant. One thing's for sure: She wasn't Miss Arizona.

A mile-long tube installed by BP is sucking away the oil that has been gushing out of the broken pipeline in the Gulf of Mexico. BP is also sucking money out of our wallets by raising gas prices by $2.00 a gallon.

The current flight of the space shuttle Atlantis is scheduled to be its final flight. It will land underwater where it will stay for the rest of eternity.

A 94-year-old California woman graduated from Mills College in Oakland, finally earning her college degree. The other thing that woman just crossed off her bucket list: host Saturday Night Live.

A California high school girl’s softball coach forced 8 players who struck out during a recent game to drink soda from another player’s shoe. Their choices were to drink soda from the shoe or drink Diet Coke from the can.

Rumors on the Internet say that one of LeBron James’ Cavaliers teammates has been sleeping with his mother. Even more reason for him to leave Cleveland.

A new study says that burgers and fries worsen asthma. The conductors of the study apparently made the participants walk to and from McDonald's.

BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. Or, as BP calls it, one fill-up.

Las Vegas is reacting to the housing bust by building thousands of new homes. That's like trying to cure the obesity epidemic by doubling production at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

The Kansas City Royals have fired third base coach Dave Owen. The Royals didn't think he was necessary because, of course, nobody on the Kansas City Royals can get to third base.

A survey says small business owners are more upbeat about the economy. That's because they are still among the very few Americans who actually has a job.

A group of unhappy Facebook users are promoting a “Quit Facebook Day” on May 31 to protest the latest changes to the Facebook privacy policy. To those unhappy Facebook users, there's this crazy thing called "Deleting Your Account".

Some scientists are estimating that the oil leak in the Gulf has sent a miles-long underwater plume of oil heading straight for the Florida Keys. In a related story, the Cubans have found a shortcut to Miami.

That's all I have for right now. More later!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

"Low Quality Child Care"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the win column for the Detroit Lions.

A report says the Internet is linked to people’s happiness. It's the Internet. It links everything.

Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. And you thought the endless list of Viagra's side effects couldn't get any bigger.

Rock guitarist Tom Kaulitz told a German newspaper he took several Viagra pills and suffered blurred vision for several days. Usually, if something bad happens for more than four hours, the first place I call wouldn't be a German newspaper.

A study says that depressed children earn less money as they get older. In other words, is the U.S. a depressed child?

A study says that low quality child care can have a lasting impact on a child’s learning ability and behavior. Now, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" will turn into "Supernanny" before the intervention.

A study says that people exposed to the sun while driving are more prone to skin cancer. Unless they drive a Toyota and the sun's rays can't catch up to them.

Detroit is set to demolish 10,000 abandoned properties. Like the Detroit Pistons' basketball hoop.

That's all I have for today! More for tomorrow!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

"Concerns About Skin Cancer"

Joke of the Day: In their latest efforts to stop the oil leak, BP is trying to build a mile-long tube. This is another step in the right direction in Operation "We're Running Out Of Terrible Ideas".

Despite significant concerns about skin cancer, a majority of Americans nevertheless think that having a tan is an attractive, desirable and healthy look, a new national survey finds. The survey was taken entirely by Jersey Shore fans.

An American rights group is suing the police in Pennsylvania for issuing tickets, which carry a jail sentence, to people for swearing. The rights group is calling this new law "f***ing ridiculous".

Former Olympic sprinter Marion Jones has made the roster for the WNBA's Tulsa Shock. No, the Shock in this case is that Marion Jones still has athletic ability.

California police say the former host of a Food Network show is accused of soliciting homeless people to commit a murder. What's worse, the chef's apparent motive was that he was running low on food.

Talk-show host Regis Philbin will have a blood clot in his calf removed Tuesday, but he anticipates a speedy recovery. Regis, are you sure? Is that your final answer?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, May 14, 2010

"Denied Eating Baby Food"

Joke of the Day: Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. The NRA members were confused when Palin repeatedly told them that she would continue to fight for their First Amendment rights.

Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.

Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".

The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.

Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.

Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.

Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.

May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".

Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.

A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".

President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"

More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".

A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.

A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!

That's all I have for right now. More later!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

"Targeting Ethnic Studies"

Joke of the Day: Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. Oddly enough, it's a cruise.

The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.

A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".

Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.

A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.

A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.

The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.

Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"The Pi Beta Phi Sorority"

Joke of the Day: A new iPhone app turns a person’s picture into what they would look like as a neanderthal. Larry King already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

The Walt Disney Co. posted a 55% jump in second quarter earnings thanks to the success of the 3-D film “Alice in Wonderland”. And also because they stopped airing "Hannah Montana".

The Pi Beta Phi sorority at Miami University of Ohio has been suspended for a year for their outrageous behavior at a party including drunkenness, public urination and uncontrolled sex. Who else considers it strange that Ben Roethlisberger went to college at that very school?

NASA says it has found a huge chunk of the universe’s matter that it had considered missing. To which Pluto said, "Thank you for finding us".

Hank Haney resigned as Tiger Woods swing coach. So if Hank Haney is the swing coach, does that make Tiger Woods a swinger?

Russia’s richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov, purchased 80% of the New Jersey Nets. Or, as the Nets call it, their losses.

A ”brain dead” satellite drifting in space could interrupt cable programming in the U.S. I don't know what question more Americans have asked, "What would we do without cable?" or, "Why would they name anything after George W. Bush?".

The SEC is looking into what caused the stock market plunge of more than 1,000 points last week. I blame it on the fact that the Parental Controls were shut down.

That's all for now. Definitely more later!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"Hung Parliament"

Joke of the Day: A report says that one in five men around the world may have fertility problems. The other four have already had "the talk" with their doctor.

The Minnesota State Senate has voted to increase taxes on the wealthy. Wealthy people are furious. They will go from multimillionaires to just millionaires.

The number of Americans moving into new homes has increased to 12.5% of the population. Of those 12.5%, 99.9% of those homes were previously foreclosed on.

Coca-Cola is going high tech with a machine that allows people to mix up to 104 different drinks. This machine is called, "A five-year old's dream".

German scientists say they have found sunken islands in the Caribbean Sea. Um yeah, don't many people call that Atlantis?

A man in India claims he hasn’t had food or water in the past 70 years. The National Enquirer was the first to report.

The South Pole reported its warmest year on record, averaging -54.2 degrees Fahrenheit. As a matter of fact, the CEO of Goldman Sachs just visited there so he could warm up.

In Britain, since no political party won an outright majority of seats in last week’s election, the result is a “hung Parliament”. You know, kind of like the government we have right here in the US.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he will resign his position. He will go back to his first job: a marshmallow on a S'more.

An Australian TV channel is teaching the Noongar Aboriginal language to young children to help keep it from being lost. The show has already come up with its main character: Muzzy.

A new study finds that the rewards portion of a gambler’s brain considers “near misses” as wins. Or, as CitiGroup calls them, "Executive bonuses".

The June issue of Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold picture. Don't get ahead of yourself. It's just Scott Brown with a stick coming out of the staples.

First lady Michelle Obama on Tuesday unveiled a 70-point plan for reducing childhood obesity within a generation, including a call for marketing healthier food. Obese kids plan to protest, but getting them off the couch could be a major issue.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 10, 2010

"Ejected After One Pitch"

Joke of the Day: Senator Christopher Dodd says that Wall Street is detached from the “real economy”. Considering this economy, isn't that kind of a good thing?

A British family was rescued after their yacht hit an iceberg. Strangely enough, the name of their boat was "Titanic".

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke gave the commencement address at the University of South Carolina and told the students that money can’t buy happiness. How would he know? It's not like he still has money.

A group of mothers in Denver is pushing for the legalization of marijuana. That's like the KKK pushing for Civil Rights.

Since the four-story dome that BP thought would stop the Gulf oil leak has failed, they think clogging the pipe with useless scrap material may work. Look, if a four-story dome can't stop a leak, I'm not sure useless scrap material will be much better.

The young adult vampire-romance series “Twilight” inspired the most popular baby names for both boys and girls in 2009. The most popular boy name was Jacob, while the most popular girl name was Edward.

Will Ferrell recently pitched in a minor league baseball game, and he was ejected after one pitch. Sounds like a remake of "Semipro".

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

"More Likely To Snore"

Joke of the Day: The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Utah Jazz last night by a score of 111-110. Gosh, I haven't seen this many ones since the Russians were in the Olympics.

Obese children are much more likely to snore than normal weight children, a new study finds. And you thought that obese children were pigs before.

Tiger Woods withdrew from The Players Championship on Sunday with an injury that he fears might be a bulging disk in his upper back. He's also had to withdraw from some major tournaments when he had a bulging disk at his waist.

Oakland Athletics southpaw Dallas Braden pitched a perfect game against the Rays, who were victims of Mark Buehrle's perfect game last year. You know what the Rays and a video game nerd have in common? Neither one can get to first base.

Sorry, but those are the only jokes I have. I can't really do anything because my mouse is working like crap. Obviously more tomorrow!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Alex Schubert in the NYT Laughlines Blog

Featured joke! Also one of my best jokes ever!

"11000 Miles Per Gallon"

Joke of the Day: The Social Security Administration says that Isabella is now the most popular name for girls, with Jacob still the top pick for boys. The least popular names: Jon and Kate.

Jessica Simpson says she is convinced she “can find love anywhere”. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would love to prove that.

Yahoo says 48% of iPad users also own an iPhone. The other 52% of people are called "not spoiled rotten".

French environmentalists have developed a car that gets 11,000 miles per gallon. They are calling it "a bicycle".

A British mannequin manufacturer is being criticized for making their dummies too thin. Who knew Americans went clothes shopping in Britain?

A survey says that Americans over the age of 45 are having less sex. Thank God. At least this gets that creepy image out of my mind.

“Girls Gone Wild” is going to become a reality show on the HDNet network. This sounds like it would have fit better on MTV.

A poll says that Americans are no less worried about health care costs even after the passing of Health Care Reform. This poll was taken entirely by Republicans.

A study says that the best way to keep weight off is to lose it fast. Duh.

Congress wants to investigate the stock market plunge of 1,000 points in just minutes. The crash drove stock values almost as low as Obama's approval rating.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

Friday, May 7, 2010

"Generous Maternity Leaves"

Joke of the Day: The birth control pill turns 50 this week. Those of you who chose not to use the pill, Happy Mother's Day!

Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.

A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.

A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.

A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.

Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.

According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.

Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".

A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.

That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

"Spontaneously Gay"

Joke of the Day: White Castle has unveiled candles that smell like hamburgers. We already have a bigger version of those. It's called a barbecue grill.

A study shows that women with higher voices prefer men with deeper voices. Women everywhere are saying, "Well, I don't like the actors, I want to find out more about the guy who narrates the movie previews".

A Brazilian Archbishop says that teenagers are “spontaneously gay” and need guidance. When an archbishop says that, it raises some suspicion.

Kelly Clarkson has been ranked as the most successful “American Idol” contestant. Taylor Hicks did make a strong case for the top rank, but after his unsuccessful campaign, he went back to his job as a waiter.

CNN and CBS are reportedly in talks for a merger. Now, an episode of the Big Bang Theory will feature Larry King saying, "Yep, I was there".

A 19 year old used the alias “Barack Obama” in a failed attempt to hack into an ATM. What do President Obama and that ATM have in common? They didn't give change like they were supposed to.

Today is actor George Clooney’s 49th birthday. Cougars all over the world have started sending him birthday cards.

An Episcopal church in Massachusetts will launch a monthly worship service solely for dogs. The main problem with this will be when the pastor goes up to the podium and all the dogs start barking.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"Los Suns"

Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.

The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.

Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.

The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.

A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.

That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

"Smooth As A Jet Ride"

Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.

The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.

Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".

Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".

The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.

Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.

Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.

Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.

Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.

Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.

A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.

Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.

A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.

Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".

That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Best of April 2010

Joke of the Month: Kirstie Alley has confirmed that her 17-year-old son is engaged to be married. This wedding is expected to break a world record. The world's fastest eaten wedding cake.

What does FOX News call President Obama's teleprompter? Mechanical bull.

A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have found a new way to help their players try hard in practice. They have given all their tackle dummies blonde wigs.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.

President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.

Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.

Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.

Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".

President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.

A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.

"Toyota Express"

Joke of the Day: Jon Gosselin reportedly was offered a spot on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars". The offer was rebuked when ABC discovered that Jon Gosselin wasn't actually a star.

This is National Pet Week. Or, as Michael Vick calls it, "My Week Off".

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa wants to boycott Arizona for creating its offensive new immigration law. Believe me, I can't think of anyone better to boycott the immigration law than a guy named Antonio.

Cell phone sales have gone up 22% as the economy recovers. Apparently the auto industry is whipping itself back into shape as well.

One third of pet owning women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. The other two thirds of pet owning women own pets that are deaf.

Researchers say the iPad can cause insomnia. That's because iPad users are using their devices all night.

A study says that high speeds and sudden turns on roller coasters can cause hearing damage. The study was conducted at that unbelievably intense ride, "Toyota Express".

Former NFL running back Corey Dillon has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting his wife during an argument at their Southern California home. Dillon was then offered a contract by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Two of the oldest people in the world have died on the same day. The funerals will feature eulogies from their old babysitter, Larry King.

That's all for today! I have more coming tomorrow!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

"A Smoking SUV"

Joke of the Day: Latino Americans have higher rates of visual impairment, blindness, diabetic eye disease and cataracts than whites in the United States, researchers have found. This means that Latinos will be much less likely to see the Arizona police coming.

Police found an "amateurish" but potentially powerful bomb that apparently began to detonate but did not explode in a smoking SUV in Times Square. Sounds like a job for MacGruber!

President Barack Obama shared some words of wisdom on Saturday, saying there a few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. And he turned to the U.S. Senate and said, "No offense".

A Memphis woman called police after she found her son stealing her prescription sedatives from her bra. The story took a really creepy turn when police discovered the mom was still wearing it when the son stole the drugs.

A beekeeper came to the rescue after a sport utility vehicle was swarmed by thousands of bees. Sounds like the car was the new beekeeper.

Indonesian police have arrested a couple who made meatballs from the flesh of protected monkeys. They have also confiscated their restaurant, Super Monkey Ballz (it's an old video game from the Nintendo GameCube).

A Russian businessman who set up a museum dedicated to Soviet dictator Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death on Friday. This was put on display in the museum section called "What Stalin did to people who were against him".

President Obama called Jay Leno "the only person whose ratings fell more than mine". Leno then called President Obama "the only person whose jokes are worse than mine".

Halle Berry's ex-boyfriend Gabriel Aubry said that he is "sad" about their breakup. I would be sad too if I broke up with Halle Berry.

That's all I have for today! DEFINITELY more tomorrow!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

"Like Nazi Germany"

Joke of the Day: Brett Favre says his injured ankle is not the number one factor in his decision for next year. The deciding factor will be whether or not he has the ability to even make a decision.

A majority of people in Arizona say they feel the new immigration law will reduce crime. At least, the Mexican crime rate.

“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane says the Arizona immigration law is like Nazi Germany. Now I'm just waiting for a flashback to prove his point.

A study says that six in ten Americans live where air pollution is at dangerous levels. The other four have decided to move out of Los Angeles.

Denver voters will go to the polls to say if they think the government has covered up the existence of aliens. I say yes. The last time people in Colorado saw a UFO, the government said that a six-year old boy was inside.

A new study says that nasal spray can make men more empathetic. The same study says that the use of nasal spray in public can make men look more pathetic.

Teen sensation Justin Bieber says that had he not become famous already, he would have tried out for “American Idol.” If that were the case, he would have to wait 12 years until he was old enough.

A new study says that frogs can be similar to humans. Especially when a princess kisses one.

Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik says Tiger Woods is not welcome at his house. Why would Tiger go to Jesper's house? After all, Tiger does have millions of dollars.

The Washington Nationals are going to promote Stephen Strasburg from Double-A to Triple-A. In other words, welcome to the Washington Nationals!

That's all for today! More tomorrow!