President Obama has a proposed budget of $4 trillion. At least half of it will be used to pay for Game of War ads.
A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for a cast worn by Robert Griffin III. Who knows about overpaying for a useless item more than RGIII and the Redskins?
A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Yep, men spend Valentine's Day eating raw fish, and then they go on a sushi date.
Brian Williams has come under fire for fabricating a story about a chopper he was in during the Iraq War. I'm not saying Brian Williams has lost his credibility, but his most recent story was about me going on a date last Saturday night.
RadioShack filed for bankruptcy. So now if I want the newest electronics, I'll go to the place I was already going to instead of RadioShack.
Bruce Jenner is reportedly transitioning to become a woman. Apparently this news left Bobbi Kristina Brown speechless.
A Chinese developer has created a video game controller that's controlled by the vagina. Also controlled by the vagina: men.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. He's great for the Pro Bowl because it allows him to showcase his greatest strength: throwing to players who play for other teams.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. Pro Bowl officials decided to let him in after 36 other quarterbacks, six rocks, and a Denny's manager were deemed unavailable.
The Mueller Report says NFL didn't investigate into the Ray Rice domestic violence situation enough. Meanwhile, the Schubert Report says Ray Rice shouldn't have hit his wife in the first place.
Police in KY killed the first cougar seen there since the Civil War. It's a shame the cougar died before it got the chance to blow George Clooney.
A store in Paris uses 3D printing to sell mini versions of people. They're selling a mini version of me, and it comes with a mini girl that runs from it.
On NPR, Bill Cosby refused to deny the rape allegations against him. This proves once and for all that he doesn't see any value in the word "no".
Black Eyes Peas singer Fergie is pregnant. She knew she might have been pregnant when her period was so two thousand and late.
That's all I have for right now. Well, I don't know what else to say about my comedy grind except for the fact that it's been going well. No, I haven't been booked yet, but I'm working on that. All my club sets have gone really really well as of late, and I'll be going to more clubs as time goes on. In March alone, I'll be performing in at least two clubs (Go Bananas in Cincy on the 4th and Wiley's in Dayton on the 22nd). I'm really excited for how everything is going to turn out, because I feel as if I'm starting to hit a groove with this thing. As for the diet, for the first time since my junior year of high school, I'm under 200 pounds (194 as of right now)! That means that I've lost a total of 60 pounds so far. I know, that weight is gonna seem real shitty in a few months as I'm still losing more and more weight. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Anyway, enough of the petty bullshit. I'll have a new batch of dick jokes soon for you guys. More to come later!
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Barack Obama. Show all posts
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Monday, March 5, 2012
"Speech Jamming Gun"
Kirk Cameron recently said that homosexuality is "unnatural". Hey Kirk, guess what else is unnatural? A career that disappeared as fast as yours did.
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Monday, February 6, 2012
"Crotch Grabbing Dance"
The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
"Driving With A Cold"
Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.
A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.
Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.
A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.
A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.
A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.
Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.
A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.
A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
"GPS Shoes"
President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?
Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.
Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.
A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".
Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.
Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?
GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.
A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
"Nude Photos"
President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Using The F-Word"
Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 18, 2011
"Hesitant Speech"
An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 4, 2011
"A Bookless Library"
President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Feeding Him Popcorn"
First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"Fatty Acids"
The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
"A Second Chance"
President Obama and his family went snorkeling in Hawaii while on vacation. Because if President Obama is used to anything, it's being under water.
Police were called to an Ohio McDonald’s after an employee threatened to hit a customer with a mop. You know what Justin Bieber would call this? A headbutt.
President Obama praised the NFL for giving Michael Vick a “second chance”. Following the comment, Obama called Vick and asked, "So, what's it like to get another chance?".
Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick “should have been executed” for killing dogs. Apparently Carlson is a Giants fan.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Police were called to an Ohio McDonald’s after an employee threatened to hit a customer with a mop. You know what Justin Bieber would call this? A headbutt.
President Obama praised the NFL for giving Michael Vick a “second chance”. Following the comment, Obama called Vick and asked, "So, what's it like to get another chance?".
Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick “should have been executed” for killing dogs. Apparently Carlson is a Giants fan.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
"Back To Normal"
Now that the blizzard in the northeast has passed, traffic is back to normal. Because everybody looks forward to traffic that the northeast calls normal.
While the state of New Jersey was in the midst of a declared emergency, Governor Chris Christie was at Disney World. Why is he at Disney World? Because after all, being the governor of New Jersey, he has nothing to celebrate.
There's a new iPhone app called NoseDial, allowing you to dial your phone with your nose. It's perfect for the person with absolutely nothing better to do.
A new study says that people who socialize more have bigger brains than those who don’t. Especially when it comes to women.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell says we have become a “nation of wussies” after the Philadelphia-Minnesota NFL game was postponed due to snow. Unfortunately, the speech was cut short when Rendell broke a nail.
A poll says President Obama is the most admired man in the country. This poll was not given to any Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
While the state of New Jersey was in the midst of a declared emergency, Governor Chris Christie was at Disney World. Why is he at Disney World? Because after all, being the governor of New Jersey, he has nothing to celebrate.
There's a new iPhone app called NoseDial, allowing you to dial your phone with your nose. It's perfect for the person with absolutely nothing better to do.
A new study says that people who socialize more have bigger brains than those who don’t. Especially when it comes to women.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell says we have become a “nation of wussies” after the Philadelphia-Minnesota NFL game was postponed due to snow. Unfortunately, the speech was cut short when Rendell broke a nail.
A poll says President Obama is the most admired man in the country. This poll was not given to any Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
"A Foot Fetish"
President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
"A London Jail"
Members of the US Senate will be working in Washington through the holidays. It marks the first time that US Senators will actually be working.
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 13, 2010
"The Bush Tax Cuts"
President Obama met last week with former President Bill Clinton. This was a meeting of the two people in America that can't pull out to save their lives.
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, December 10, 2010
"A Paper Copy"
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"Writing A Memoir"
Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball. Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.
A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice. In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".
Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party. It's a good idea. The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.
Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria. It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.
No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin. So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did. Kind of like Obama's presidency.
More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year. What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?
Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains. Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.
An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year. Kind of like the economy.
A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas. Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.
The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S. Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.
Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”. "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.
A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview. Unless you work in porn.
Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”. This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.
Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price. Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 22, 2010
"Fainted On Stage"
President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".
Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.
A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.
New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.
Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.
Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".
Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.
Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.
The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.
A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.
A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.
New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.
Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.
Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".
Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.
Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.
The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.
A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
"Simpsonese"
Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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