Friday, September 30, 2011

"Toast Of The Country"

A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.

FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.

A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.

Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".

(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"An Elk Hunter"

A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. He went to the hospital, and while there, he was reminded by doctors that this is not the 14th century.

A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".

A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.

Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.

A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.

A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.

That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

"Asthma Inhalers"

The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?

Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.

Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)

Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.

Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.

A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

"Straw Poll"

The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!

A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?

Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.

Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.

A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!

Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.

Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.

Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.

Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.

A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.

That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

"Nude Photos"

President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.

The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?

SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.

Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.

Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.

Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.

Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.

Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".

A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.

That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Suspicious Packages"

Nearly 1 in 6 Americans lives in poverty. The other five don't invest in stocks.

Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.

New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...

A study says that night owls are more likely to have nightmares. How can you have a nightmare if you sleep during the day?

A Youtube video features a man who performs 34 “Star Wars” voice impressions. And guess what ladies, he's single!

Iran has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. I'm guessing Ahmadinejad tuned in to Jersey Shore.

Former White House party crasher Michaele Salahi was reported to be kidnapped, but it turns out she ran off with the guitarist from Journey. As to where she ran off, check all the parties she wasn't invited to.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, September 12, 2011

"A Young Dad"

One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".

A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.

Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.

AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.

Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.

Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.

Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.

Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.

Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

"Mistakenly Tweeted"

A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."

Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.

Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.

The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".

CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.

Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...

That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

"Schweddy Balls"

The CDC reports that fewer Americans are smoking cigarettes. Have they been to my family reunion?

People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.

Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader included having to take a football IQ test. If it's an IQ test, any cheerleader is screwed.

Ben and Jerry's has introduced their new ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls", based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Schweddy Balls, or as Coldstone calls it, vanilla.

Yahoo fired its CEO, Carol Bartz. You don't know who Carol Bartz is? Good, me neither.

The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers, this concert would have importance.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Joined Foursquare"

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turns 49 on Tuesday. Don't expect the cake to last very long.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" says her weight loss secret is drinking vodka. Wait, what weight loss?

Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Literally.

An Australian airline offered discounts to passengers after a man died on an 11-hour flight. I'm not very keen on their new slogan: "We hope you like ghosts".

Honda has recalled 962,000 cars due to defects with power windows, saying there is a possibility of melting them and catching fire. Also, members of the Tea Party were given a free Honda.

President Obama has joined Foursquare. If you don't know what Foursquare is, good. Neither do I.

There is a famine in Somalia. Maybe those Somalian pirates could go fishing sometime soon.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I'm not posting very often. I'm either busy on Facebook (yeah, busy), or posting to my Twitter account (@GroperCleveland - follow me). I'll try to get better. Anyway, more coming soon!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

"Sexual Prime"

An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. Oh, he's going to make a lot of friends in prison.

George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".

A human foot washed ashore on a beach in Vancouver, B.C., the eleventh one since 2007. It looks like Rex Ryan is going to have a very merry Christmas this year.

44-year old singer Sinead O'Connor says she is "in her sexual prime". I believe she spelled "past" wrong.

Oscar de la Hoya revealed that he used to be a crossdresser. Forget boxing. He should be the ring girl.

Katt Williams apologized for a racist rant against a Mexican heckler. That's right, she should be sorry.

That's all I have for today! Gotta go participate in a Demi Lovato twitter meme. She cuts herself! I would too if I were Demi Lovato. Well anyway, more tomorrow!