Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.
A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".
A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.
Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.
A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.
Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.
A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.
A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.
A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.
A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.
Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".
A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.
Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.
That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!
Showing posts with label Rednecks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rednecks. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Friday, December 6, 2013
"Lost Profits"
A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. Now I know why Oprah always shouts; she just couldn't hear herself talk.
David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.
A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.
Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.
President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.
People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?
Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.
A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?
Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.
The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.
Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.
Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!
David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.
A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.
Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.
President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.
People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?
Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.
A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?
Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.
The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.
Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.
Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!
Friday, October 14, 2011
"Portable Toilets"
An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.
Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.
Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.
Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.
A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.
Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?
There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.
Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.
Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.
Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.
A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.
Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?
There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
"Running A Marathon"
Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.
A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?
Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".
Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.
A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!
LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.
Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."
Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.
An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?
Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".
Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.
A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!
LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.
Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."
Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.
An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
"The Fire In My Belly"
A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Allergic To Electricity"
Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 25, 2010
"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"
Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".
American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.
A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.
A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".
A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".
That's all for today! More coming soon!
American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.
A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.
A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".
A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".
That's all for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"$27 Million Observation Deck"
Utah is considering eliminating 12th grade for students who finish with the requirements early. One of the requirements makes them fit in with Utah adults and high school students around the country: the boys must have more than one girlfriend.
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
"That Hopey Changey Thing"
Hello to my limited supply of readers! These are my jokes for February 6, 2010!
Sarah Palin is saying the policies of President Barack Obama and Democratic leaders in Congress will be short-lived. Actually, she had to say that. That was part of her contract with FOX News.
A Louisiana high school student was sent home for wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey to school. No, not because it was a Colts jersey, but because the shoulder had a "Super Bowl Champions 2010" patch.
Sarah Palin had some pointed advice to President Barack Obama on Saturday night: "Stop lecturing and start listening." To which Obama said, "Right back atcha".
Sarah Palin also told Obama, "How's that hopey changey thing working out for you?" Sadly, that was the most intelligent grammar she had all night.
A 13 year old football player has committed to play at USC starting in 2015. He has to wait until 2015? USC would be better off if he came now.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch proposed to his girlfriend on the track at Daytona International Speedway. To which NASCAR fans said, "Awww... Now they ain't just cuzins no more are they?"
Washington DC was hit by three feet of snow today. No wonder Chris Matthews forgot that President Obama was black. He was covered in snow.
Pete Wentz says talk of Fall Out Boy's demise has been blown out of proportion — but he isn't sure when the rock band will performing together again. Now I know where "Fall Out" came from.
Eagle protection agencies have been seeing eagles that are oddly sick because of food they ate. It's gotten so bad that instead of bird poop landing on people, it has been bird puke.
Jersey Shore is all about fake boobs, drunk people, abs, and hookups. Jersey Shore? Why not call it "Jersey Whores"?
Well that's it everyone! Thanks for reading!
Sarah Palin is saying the policies of President Barack Obama and Democratic leaders in Congress will be short-lived. Actually, she had to say that. That was part of her contract with FOX News.
A Louisiana high school student was sent home for wearing an Indianapolis Colts jersey to school. No, not because it was a Colts jersey, but because the shoulder had a "Super Bowl Champions 2010" patch.
Sarah Palin had some pointed advice to President Barack Obama on Saturday night: "Stop lecturing and start listening." To which Obama said, "Right back atcha".
Sarah Palin also told Obama, "How's that hopey changey thing working out for you?" Sadly, that was the most intelligent grammar she had all night.
A 13 year old football player has committed to play at USC starting in 2015. He has to wait until 2015? USC would be better off if he came now.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch proposed to his girlfriend on the track at Daytona International Speedway. To which NASCAR fans said, "Awww... Now they ain't just cuzins no more are they?"
Washington DC was hit by three feet of snow today. No wonder Chris Matthews forgot that President Obama was black. He was covered in snow.
Pete Wentz says talk of Fall Out Boy's demise has been blown out of proportion — but he isn't sure when the rock band will performing together again. Now I know where "Fall Out" came from.
Eagle protection agencies have been seeing eagles that are oddly sick because of food they ate. It's gotten so bad that instead of bird poop landing on people, it has been bird puke.
Jersey Shore is all about fake boobs, drunk people, abs, and hookups. Jersey Shore? Why not call it "Jersey Whores"?
Well that's it everyone! Thanks for reading!
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