Monday, October 31, 2011

"Nokia Lunia"

Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.

A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.

An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.

The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.

A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.

Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.

Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, October 28, 2011

"Large Quantities"

A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.

A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.

The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.

The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.

Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.

A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"GPS Shoes"

President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?

Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.

Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.

A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".

Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.

Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?

GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.

A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, October 24, 2011

"Funnier Than Women"

Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."

A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.

Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.

Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.

Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.

The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?

A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)

The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.

Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.

A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, October 21, 2011

"The Luckiest Town"

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.

San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.

The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.

Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.

A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!

A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.

San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.

A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.

A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.

Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"Fecal Matter"

Michelle Obama says the President is not a fan of the Kardashian’s TV shows. Well at least something good can be said about an Obama.

The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.

A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.

Actress Reese Witherspoon says on Saturdays she gets her nails done and makes out with good friend Jennifer Aniston. In other news, the population in Hollywood has increased by 950%.

The driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. I miss the old days where ice cream truck drivers were pedophiles, not drug dealers.

President Obama accused Republicans of wanting dirtier air, dirtier water and fewer people with health insurance. And by "Republicans", he means Chris Christie.

An 11 year old boy has enrolled at the University of Minnesota. Me and him are the only two people in the world who are guaranteed never to get laid in college.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five phones don't have the vibrate feature.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five were never smuggled into prison.

A report says knee injuries are on the rise in young people. That report is called "My medical history".

That's all I have for today. Goodbye Carson Palmer, and good riddance. Anyway, more coming soon!

Friday, October 14, 2011

"Portable Toilets"

An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.

A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.

Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.

Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.

Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.

A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.

Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?

There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

"Running A Marathon"

Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.

A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?

The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. This is the worst thing to happen to black people since the death of Biggie.

Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".

Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.

A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!

LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.

Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."

Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.

An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

"Aggravated Child Abuse"

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.

Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.

The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.

The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.

A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...

A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.

A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?

A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Older Dads"

Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.

The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.

Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.

A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?

Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.

The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.

Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.

A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.

A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

"A Single Strand Of Hair"

Madonna is set to perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. A sign she's going to be awful: she's older than the Super Bowl.

British scientists have created the world’s smallest periodic table on a single strand of hair. And yet, still no dentists.

Three Ohio State football players were suspended for being overpaid on their summer jobs. I thought being an Ohio State football player WAS their paying job.

A “fat tax” has gone into effect in Denmark that charges for the amount of fat in a product. This would make me the most expensive product on the planet.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is asking for donations to help create jobs. You know your company is doing bad when you overcharge for a small cup of coffee, people constantly buy it, and you STILL need donations.

Casey Anthony has told authorities that she's unemployed. Honestly though, who the hell would hire her?

Chris Christie says that he's not running for president. I'm not surprised. After all, it involves running.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!