"Thou Shalt Commit Adultery"

Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. It's already improving the economy, as cyanide and Kool-Aid sales have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump came under fire for saying that he likes to "grab women by the pussy". If that comment taught me anything about Donald Trump, it's that he sucks at foreplay.

3 Doors Down is playing at Donald Trump's Inauguration. They've gone crazy, which begs the question: will you still call them Superman?

Joe Biden received an honorary Presidential Medal of Freedom. He was very disappointed when he found out it didn't have chocolate in the center.

Bengals HC Marvin Lewis may stop coaching after 2016. This is strange, because he usually stops coaching during the first round of the playoffs.

Alan Thicke has died at the age of 74. This means that in five months, Robin Thicke will release an album trying to bring him back to life.

During a TD celebration, Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott jumped in a Salvation Army kettle. Oh sure when he does it it's fine, but when I do it people "frantically search for a lid to trap me in".

Donald Trump has been selecting members of his cabinet, and his choices have been very controversial. But to his credit, it's the first time he's had a cabinet that wasn't full of stuff made in China.

The Bengals have released K Mike Nugent. He kicked himself to the curb, which proved the Bengals right because he was aiming for the sidewalk.

Old tablets with the Ten Commandments on them are up for auction in Beverly Hills. This is ironic since Beverly Hills' official slogan is "Thou shalt commit adultery".

Tila Tequila has been kicked off of Twitter for supporting Nazism. The only thing crazier than the fact that Tila Tequila is a Nazi is the fact that I'm saying any of those words in 2016.

Donald Trump's national security advisor said that "Islam is like cancer". That makes no sense, because Islam has never inspired me to run a 5k.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his "experience and ideology". Wow, he's even outsourcing his compliments to China.

Universal is opening a Jimmy Fallon themed ride. The one catch: instead of putting your hands in the air, you put them in Donald Trump's hair.

The Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series. It's crazy to think that the last time the Chicago Cubs were World Series champions, David Ross was just 13 years old.

Vine is shutting down. This means that Vine stars will have to resort to YouTube to show people how painfully unfunny they are.

RB Arian Foster is walking away from football. In typical Arian Foster fashion, he's doing so on one leg while being assisted by a coach and a trainer.

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died at the age of 87. Due to his death, other caskets will put a nickel on the ground so they don't lose their burial plot.

Well, that's it for right now. So I forgot to post on New Year's Eve, so I figured I'd make up for it by posting on the final day of Barack Obama's presidency (which, in all honesty, flew the fuck by). Anyway, 2016 was the craziest year of my life. I hit even more milestones, met a bunch of new people, worked a couple of killer weekends at Go Bananas, and, unfortunately had my driver's license suspended (I'm in the clear now). I'm expecting even crazier things to happen in 2017, and so far it hasn't disappointed, as I have already changed my so-called iconic Twitter handle (I'm now @bigschubes), met new friends and worked an amazing weekend at Go Bananas. If I interacted with you at all in 2016, thank you for being a part of it. I love you and you're the best. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"Snakes In His Pants"

Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.

Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.

Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".

A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.

One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.

Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.

A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.

The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.

Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.

Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.

The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".

A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.

That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!

"Shorter Relationships"

Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.

A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.

A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.

A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".

A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.

There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.

That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Praying For Charlie Sheen"

The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.

Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".

A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".

Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.

Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.

A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Unusual Visitors"

Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.

In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.

President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.

There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.

Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.

The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.

Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.

A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.

Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.

Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?

A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Black Eye"

Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.

Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.

The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.

The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".

Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?

The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.

Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".

Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.

There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".

French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.

A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.

Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.

A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.

A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.

That's all for right now! More later!

"A Big Parade"

President Obama says everyone in Washington, including himself, needs to do a better job. He's just figuring this out now?

A giant panda at the Atlanta Zoo gave birth to a cub for the third time. To which people in Chicago said, "Please tell me this cub can play baseball".

The Giants had a big parade in San Francisco. And then they realized that they won the World Series.

The price of sugar is at a 30 year high. And do you think obese Americans care?

A woman in Spain says she is “delighted” her ten year old daughter gave birth along with the 13 year old father. The woman added that it's nice to be a 21-year old grandmother.

A Los Angeles man says he stayed awake 40 straight days with no sleep. He stayed awake by being forced to watch attack ads.

Forbes has named Chinese President Hu Jintao as the world’s most powerful person. Let's be fair. His country has their own jobs. And American jobs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Free Joint"

Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.

The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.

The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.

China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.

Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?

A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.

A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.

A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.

James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.

A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.

Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Huge Fireball"

Congressman Hoyer says Stephen Colbert’s humorous testimony before a congressional committee was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment”. You know, kind of like Congress.

Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.

Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".

“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".

A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.

Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.

A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.

A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.

The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.

A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?

Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?

Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.

That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Known And Unknown"

After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.

Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.

Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?

Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.

Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.

The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?

A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".

Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.

Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?

A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?

Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.

Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.

That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!

"Consumed By A Star"

Joke of the Day: The Hubble telescope discovered a planet in our galaxy that was in the process of being consumed by a star. To which Al Gore said, "The planet is Earth, the star is the Sun, and the process is called Global Warming!".

The new president of the Philippines says he is not going to give up his smoking habit because it will affect his decision making. Apparently when he doesn't smoke, he makes good decisions.

The US Congress declared May 25 “National Tap Dance Day”. Next, they are going to declare May 26 "National Wear Earplugs Day".

A West Virginia man set his house on fire after he returned home to find his wife did not have dinner ready for him. To which his wife said, "I hope you like burnt pork roast".

The Supreme Court ruled that the National Football League consists of 32 separate professional teams. This is the clearest example ever of old people that just found something out.

Police in Chicago say an elderly couple was found buried in trash for three weeks. It turns out, Lou Piniella and his wife were locked in the Cubs locker room.

Hollywood studios are considering renting new films within thirty days of their release. Hollywood has now decided to change their name to "China".

Jesse James says he “wanted to be caught” cheating by Sandra Bullock. And with a woman who stands out as much as "Bombshell McGee", he did a good job of that.

Jesse James says he “wanted to be caught” cheating by Sandra Bullock. And, of course, not by Elin Nordegren with a nine-iron in her hand.

The CEO of British Petroleum says he is “Devastated by what I have seen” with the Gulf oil spill. This has devastated him so much that he hasn't been able to do anything in weeks.

Sarah Palin says Rand Paul is finding out what it is like to be her. Suicide Prevention programs have been asked to intervene.

That's all I have for today everyone! More coming tomorrow!

"A Slap In The Face"

Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.

An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.

A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.

A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".

A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.

As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.

Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.

On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.

More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.

It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".

Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.

Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!

"A Fat Redneck"

Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.

Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?

The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.

Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.

A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".

A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.

GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.

Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.

I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(

"Planning to Reinvent Itself"

Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.

A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".

Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".

A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.

A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.

The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.

An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.

AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.

A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".

Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.

The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?

A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.

In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.

A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.

A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.

Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.

Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.

Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.

"Taking Up Pigeon Racing"

Today is Saint Patrick's Day. It's a day that Irish people celebrate that includes binge drinking and not going to work. Or, as Conan O' Brien calls it, any other day.

The world’s smallest man at 2’5” has died in Italy at age 21. His body will lie in state in a shoebox.

The FBI is using Facebook to communicate with criminal suspects. They also use Myspace, but those are specifically for the pedophiles.

A study says that for a happier romance, be yourself. This study does not apply to Rush Limbaugh.

The CEO of The Tribune Company has banned broadcasters from using cliches on Chicago-based WGN-AM. The most used cliche on that station: Cubs lose.

A study says that workers are looking for jobs they can stay at for their entire career. Hollywood has even made a movie about this study. It's called Mission: Impossible.

Mike Tyson is taking up pigeon racing for a show on Animal Planet. Consider this a waste of time. That's like Congress taking up bipartisanship.

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. And I thought ten year old girls were crying nonstop before...

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. She made a huge impact on the music industry. She made everyone else sound really good.

A Michigan man says he was fired from his Walmart job for using medical marijuana. This just goes to show: When you work at Walmart, don't steal the manager's belongings.

Detroit will close 44 public schools and a support building in June as the district addresses budget issues. The Big Three automakers have filed a copyright claim.

Ozzie Guillen has created a new style of play he calls "Ozzie Ball" which relies on pitching, defense and running. As in, pitching a quote full of swears, defending what he said, and running away from cops who try to arrest him.

The French military will no longer be issuing rifles to their infantry. I agree with this move. Giving the French rifles is like giving baseball bats to the Washington Nationals.

That's it for today, everyone! Thanks for all your support!

"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"

Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.

Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"

A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"

The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.

A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.

The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.

The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.

Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.

A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.

Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.

FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.

Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!

"70 Inches Of Snow"

Singer John Mayer is apologizing for saying in the March issue of “Playboy” that Jessica Simpson is “sexual napalm”. Then again, isn't sexual napalm the whole point of Playboy?

A Georgia man walked into the sporting goods section of a Walmart, grabbed a metal baseball bat, and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions with it. That sounds like something I would do while playing Wii Sports.

Philadelphia has received over 70 inches of snow. So much for that Spike TV show called "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia".

A new study suggests that beetles do not like heavy metal music. However, previous studies show that beetles are partial to super popular, yet controversial British soft rock bands of the 60's and 70's.

Kids drawn to sweeter-than-cola drinks are also more likely to have a family history of alcoholism and depressive symptoms, a new study finds. In other words, does alcoholism start with root beer?

A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." Nowadays, we call them "husbands".

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. Won't that be a hell of a story you tell to St. Peter?

Experts say that people can actually be bored to death. So next time Joe Biden finishes a speech, he will be charged with attempted murder.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. For example, when someone donates money to a charity, they get the money from under their chair.

A study says that watching Oprah makes people more likely to commit to helping others. Especially at the anorexia clinic. "You're not fat, just look at her".

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. The only thing in Chicago to be more shaky: the Cubs.

An earthquake with a 4.3 Magnitude hit Chicago. So, that nickname of theirs, the Windy City...

The massive snowstorm in Washington has actually brought down its crime rate. No wonder; Congress has been snowed out of work.

Well, that's it everyone! Hopefully they will be better tomorrow!