Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.
NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.
Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.
A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.
Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.
Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.
A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.
Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.
Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.
Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.
A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.
Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.
A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.
Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.
A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.
The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.
Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!
Showing posts with label Brett Favre. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brett Favre. Show all posts
Friday, January 31, 2020
Thursday, September 8, 2011
"Schweddy Balls"
The CDC reports that fewer Americans are smoking cigarettes. Have they been to my family reunion?
People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.
Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader included having to take a football IQ test. If it's an IQ test, any cheerleader is screwed.
Ben and Jerry's has introduced their new ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls", based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Schweddy Balls, or as Coldstone calls it, vanilla.
Yahoo fired its CEO, Carol Bartz. You don't know who Carol Bartz is? Good, me neither.
The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers, this concert would have importance.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.
Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader included having to take a football IQ test. If it's an IQ test, any cheerleader is screwed.
Ben and Jerry's has introduced their new ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls", based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Schweddy Balls, or as Coldstone calls it, vanilla.
Yahoo fired its CEO, Carol Bartz. You don't know who Carol Bartz is? Good, me neither.
The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers, this concert would have importance.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, July 29, 2011
"Gaining Weight"
In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.
Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.
A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?
Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.
A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.
New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.
Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.
Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancé Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.
The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.
A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.
A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?
Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.
A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.
New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.
Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.
Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancé Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.
The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.
A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"Filed The Paperwork"
Actors January Jones and Jason Sudeikis split up. Jason reportedly has a thing for Jones' sister, February.
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Genetic Screening"
Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
"A High Rate"
A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.
The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.
Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.
Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!
Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".
A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.
For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.
After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.
That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!
The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.
Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.
Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!
Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".
A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.
For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.
After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.
That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
"A Foot Fetish"
President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 20, 2010
"Hard As Concrete"
Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
"A London Jail"
Members of the US Senate will be working in Washington through the holidays. It marks the first time that US Senators will actually be working.
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
"A Black Eye"
Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
"Anderson"
Rosie O’Donnell said that she believes Oprah Winfrey is not gay. And believe me, if there is anybody who prevents women from being gay, it's Rosie O'Donnell.
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Amish Romance Novels"
Qatar has beaten the U.S., Australia, Japan and South Korea to host the 2022 World Cup. That's like having The Situation audition for a Bowflex ad and they end up choosing me.
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 29, 2010
"The Next Release"
While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
"Simpsonese"
Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 29, 2010
"A Free Joint"
Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
"Broke His Collarbone"
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he accepts bags of cash from Iran. To which the U.S. said, "What's his secret?"
A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.
A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.
Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".
Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?
A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.
A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).
Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.
BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.
China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?
The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.
A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.
Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".
Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?
A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.
A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).
Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.
BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.
China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?
The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
"Scaled Back"
Wrangler Jeans has scaled back on their TV ads featuring Brett Favre. Mainly because Brett Favre isn't known for wearing pants anymore.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s approval ratings have dropped to an all time low. What's the deal with Presidents and low ratings these days?
The CDC says that up to one third of American adults could have diabetes by 2050. Or at least it would seem that way.
A California woman drove several months with the dead body of a homeless woman in her passenger seat. And she still had new car smell.
South Africa is considering banning vuvuzelas after fans threw some onto the field at a soccer game. Who would have thought in a million years that vuvuzelas would be banned for a reason different than people being annoyed?
A study says that clenching your muscles can help boost willpower to achieve certain goals. This study was conducted by old guys on the toilet.
The creators of “South Park” have apologized for using other writers’ lines. Haha! That's what she said!
400.000 leaked government documents about the War in Iraq portray a nation that is weak and divided. The real question is, which nation is that: Iraq or the US?
MySpace admits sharing user data with advertisers. Who do they think they are, Facebook?
The cast of “Jersey Shore” fought on a recent show over which of them is the most fake. In the end, everybody won.
A new blood test may help detect schizophrenia. Here's how it works: if you have more than one blood type, you are schizophrenic.
A new book explains why overachievers tend to choke under pressure. This book is entitled "New York Yankees".
Scientists at UCLA are developing a battery that is smaller than a grain of salt. Talk about a salt and battery.
Scientists in Israel have developed material that could lead to the toughest body armor ever. In America, we call that "Body fat".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s approval ratings have dropped to an all time low. What's the deal with Presidents and low ratings these days?
The CDC says that up to one third of American adults could have diabetes by 2050. Or at least it would seem that way.
A California woman drove several months with the dead body of a homeless woman in her passenger seat. And she still had new car smell.
South Africa is considering banning vuvuzelas after fans threw some onto the field at a soccer game. Who would have thought in a million years that vuvuzelas would be banned for a reason different than people being annoyed?
A study says that clenching your muscles can help boost willpower to achieve certain goals. This study was conducted by old guys on the toilet.
The creators of “South Park” have apologized for using other writers’ lines. Haha! That's what she said!
400.000 leaked government documents about the War in Iraq portray a nation that is weak and divided. The real question is, which nation is that: Iraq or the US?
MySpace admits sharing user data with advertisers. Who do they think they are, Facebook?
The cast of “Jersey Shore” fought on a recent show over which of them is the most fake. In the end, everybody won.
A new blood test may help detect schizophrenia. Here's how it works: if you have more than one blood type, you are schizophrenic.
A new book explains why overachievers tend to choke under pressure. This book is entitled "New York Yankees".
Scientists at UCLA are developing a battery that is smaller than a grain of salt. Talk about a salt and battery.
Scientists in Israel have developed material that could lead to the toughest body armor ever. In America, we call that "Body fat".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 15, 2010
"Welcome 2 America"
Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Eleven Members"
An over-exuberant author threw a copy of their book at President Obama during a recent campaign rally. He picked it up, and he read the title: "Going Rogue".
Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".
A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.
So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.
The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.
A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.
Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...
The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.
Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".
Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.
A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".
A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.
So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.
The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.
A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.
Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...
The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.
Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".
Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.
A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
