"Fecal Matter"

Michelle Obama says the President is not a fan of the Kardashian’s TV shows. Well at least something good can be said about an Obama.

The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.

A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.

Actress Reese Witherspoon says on Saturdays she gets her nails done and makes out with good friend Jennifer Aniston. In other news, the population in Hollywood has increased by 950%.

The driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. I miss the old days where ice cream truck drivers were pedophiles, not drug dealers.

President Obama accused Republicans of wanting dirtier air, dirtier water and fewer people with health insurance. And by "Republicans", he means Chris Christie.

An 11 year old boy has enrolled at the University of Minnesota. Me and him are the only two people in the world who are guaranteed never to get laid in college.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five phones don't have the vibrate feature.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five were never smuggled into prison.

A report says knee injuries are on the rise in young people. That report is called "My medical history".

That's all I have for today. Goodbye Carson Palmer, and good riddance. Anyway, more coming soon!

"A Game Of Character"

European researchers have discovered that one hour of moderate to vigorous exercise a day can help teens beat the effects of a common obesity-related gene. Not only does it help rid of effects of obesity genes, but it helps you fit into skinnier jeans.

NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. I have an idea. Next season, have the celebrities be the couples in distress. It's more fitting.

Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. And SHE teaches US about obesity?

30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House. At the Easter Egg Hunt, for the 11th year in a row, nobody found the Osama bin Laden egg.

Actor Corey Haim employed “doctor shopping” to obtain 553 prescription pills in the two months before his death. I'm sure these pills had nothing to do with his death.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. In other words, the inmates have lost their TV privileges.

Zookeepers at Washington’s National Zoo think panda Mei Xiang is pregnant. The possibility of John Edwards being the father has not been ruled out.

President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.

Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. He also said that he thinks he will play really good golf.

A survey says that frequent fliers' favorite freebie at airports is Wi-Fi. They also say that they like the fact that the airport doubles as a mall.

FINALLY FROM MY FRIEND JIM BARACH
Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. Of course, he also thought he wasn't going to get caught cheating on his wife.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!