Monday, July 12, 2010

"Thirteen Yellow Cards"

Joke of the Day: Thirteen yellow cards were handed out in the World Cup championship game between Spain and the Netherlands. Hey, they may not be great at soccer, but at least they'd be really good at Uno.

An Orange County, CA woman was sentenced to jail for texting threatening messages to herself. Now she has every right to be mad at herself.

Workers in Cleveland dismantled a ten story high mural of LeBron James after his announcement to go to Miami. That poster went down faster than Cleveland's playoff chances.

A study says that creativity among American children is declining. Now for this news story, I have decided not to write a punchline.

The Pentagon says a survey asking military people their feelings about homosexuals is not gay. I thought the policy was called, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

A British company has gotten the go ahead to sell gum in the U.S. that doesn't stick to pavement or shoes. Now does it stick to the bottom of picnic tables?

A vibrating car seat could give drivers an early warning of an impending accident. However, it may be hard to notice over the driver's vibrating cell phone.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

"A Computer Attack"

Joke of the Day: Britain’s oldest new dad became a father at age 79. He had the child with his 25 year old girlfriend, and claims he didn’t need Viagra. Or, as we call that in America, "Hugh Hefner".

Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.

Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.

Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.

President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?

70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.

Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.

Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.

U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.

That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!

Friday, July 2, 2010

"Not Always Bad"

Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.

Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.

A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.

Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.

President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.

Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".

The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.

UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?

The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

"A Lock Of Hair"

Joke of the Day: Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. Police suspected that Donald Duck wasn't his name when the drugs were hiding in his pants.

Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".

A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.

Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.

British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.

Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?

An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.

“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?

Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.

That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!