Joke of the Day: Chrysler is recalling 600,000 minivans for brake wiring problems. Gosh, these pedal problems are less likely to stop than the cars themselves.
Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman spent $70 million of her own money running in California’s gubernatorial primary. Where did she get all that $70 million? Bonuses.
Actress Lindsay Lohan may have drunk alcohol at an after-party following her appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet didn't go off because it was fascinated by all the white powder on her feet.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Apparently a bunch of snakes decided to take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.
A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Either that, or they all got jobs on Wall Street.
A Massachusetts school teacher who was preparing to move her classroom found a document dated “April 1792”. It was an essay handed in by John McCain.
Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen says the oil spill containment operation in the Gulf of Mexico is now catching up to 630,000 gallons daily. The bad news: it's being contained in the Gulf of Mexico.
The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released more than 50 audio and video recordings from its investigation of suspended Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Unfortunately for Roethlisberger, they are all phone calls and sex tapes.
A study says that one in five Americans is prone to fall asleep in meetings. The other four are playing games, texting, and watching porn during those meetings.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. Which expl - oh man, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. In related news, Gary Coleman's coroner has altered the autopsy.
Chicago teachers are suing the school district saying their classes are too large with as many as 35 children in a room. The teachers are upset because now, it's too hard to determine who they want to have sex with.
President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick". Considering all the bad things going on in Washington right now, he should have said, "whose ass not to kick"; it would have been a smaller list.
The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. In a related story, I will now set my time machine to 1849.
A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. The worker hopes to be off crutches by the time he starts the first grade.
An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run while barefoot. When asked what he was going to buy with the prize money, the man said, "Shoes".
That's all for now! And good news for me: I finally have my second follower! Before, I had one follower: ME! More jokes coming tomorrow, and definitely better jokes tomorrow!
By the way, I hope I keep getting more followers!
Showing posts with label John McCain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John McCain. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"Targeting Ethnic Studies"
Joke of the Day: Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. Oddly enough, it's a cruise.
The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.
A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.
Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".
Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.
A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.
A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.
The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.
Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.
A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.
Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".
Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.
A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.
A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.
The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.
Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
"Exclusive To Porsche Owners"
An investigation has begun at one of Britain's most prestigious private schools after a member of staff was arrested on suspicion of trying to poison the pupils' soup. This poisonous substance is harmful in food yet unknown to Britain. It's called toothpaste.
Porsche's subsidiary, Porsche Design, is marketing a mobile phone that's exclusive to Porsche owners. A car company making a mobile phone? That's like an airline company making bombs.
The nation's largest association of doctors and the AARP senior citizens' lobby are endorsing President Barack Obama's revised health overhaul legislation. This marks the first time in history that John McCain has ever supported President Obama.
Kraft Foods Inc. said Wednesday that it will cut the salt in its products that are sold in North America by an average of 10 percent over the next two years to appeal to health-conscious consumers. This will affect as many as four people.
The 13th seeded Murray State Racers upset the 4th seeded Vanderbilt Commodores, 66-65. Someone should tell Vanderbilt that only one group of Commodores plays "Brick House".
A former porn actress says she may reveal more potentially embarrassing information about Tiger Woods after releasing sexually graphic text messages that she claims prove her affair with the golfer. This would have been put in Tiger's sexual resume, but there's no room.
Jesse James publicly apologized to wife Sandra Bullock and his three children Thursday amid reports of infidelity. In a related story, Tiger Woods has sued Jesse James for plagiarism.
President Barack Obama followed through on his hockey bet with Canada, sending beer to the prime minister. I thought he would have invited the prime minister and Sidney Crosby to the White House to drink it.
The GOP says that President Obama’s health care proposal gives the IRS too much power. Because after all, nothing goes hand in hand like health care and foreclosed houses and cars.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
Porsche's subsidiary, Porsche Design, is marketing a mobile phone that's exclusive to Porsche owners. A car company making a mobile phone? That's like an airline company making bombs.
The nation's largest association of doctors and the AARP senior citizens' lobby are endorsing President Barack Obama's revised health overhaul legislation. This marks the first time in history that John McCain has ever supported President Obama.
Kraft Foods Inc. said Wednesday that it will cut the salt in its products that are sold in North America by an average of 10 percent over the next two years to appeal to health-conscious consumers. This will affect as many as four people.
The 13th seeded Murray State Racers upset the 4th seeded Vanderbilt Commodores, 66-65. Someone should tell Vanderbilt that only one group of Commodores plays "Brick House".
A former porn actress says she may reveal more potentially embarrassing information about Tiger Woods after releasing sexually graphic text messages that she claims prove her affair with the golfer. This would have been put in Tiger's sexual resume, but there's no room.
Jesse James publicly apologized to wife Sandra Bullock and his three children Thursday amid reports of infidelity. In a related story, Tiger Woods has sued Jesse James for plagiarism.
President Barack Obama followed through on his hockey bet with Canada, sending beer to the prime minister. I thought he would have invited the prime minister and Sidney Crosby to the White House to drink it.
The GOP says that President Obama’s health care proposal gives the IRS too much power. Because after all, nothing goes hand in hand like health care and foreclosed houses and cars.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
"A Hoax Weapon Of Mass Destruction"
The wife of Congressman John Conyers has been sentenced to three years in prison for bribery. To which she said, "If anyone helps me find a way out of jail, I'll give them five thousand bucks".
Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. I'm not sure that one public school closing is all that big of a deal...
A study says that good health is equated to more senior sex. I don't care if they're healthy, I really don't want to see that.
Senator John McCain is abandoning his own bill that would increase regulations over diet supplements. So Obama really should try to improve his cholestorol FAST.
Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico is now the world’s richest man. See, not all Mexicans have minimum wage jobs.
A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. This isn't that big of a deal. I mean come on, al-Qaida is more popular in Congress.
A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. Apparently strippers and gay people were not allowed to vote.
Unemployment rose in thirty states in January. The other twenty didn't have jobs to start with.
Virginia has become the first state to ban mandatory health insurance. They were also the first US state on the Republican mortal enemy list.
The Obama Administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air traffic control system. All the Obama Administration needs to do is buy two pillows and a blanket.
A college student in Florida has been charged with making a hoax weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat of a Toyota. Heh, at this rate, a Toyota by itself is a weapon of mass destruction.
Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. He will likely be able to once again start taping his TV show Two and a Half Men. The twist is, though, that Charlie is the half man.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans. It will be used to dry their husbands' tears when the Steelers choke.
A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. After all, who else to remove those words from daily life than the city farthest from him...
That's it, everybody! Definitely more tomorrow!
Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. I'm not sure that one public school closing is all that big of a deal...
A study says that good health is equated to more senior sex. I don't care if they're healthy, I really don't want to see that.
Senator John McCain is abandoning his own bill that would increase regulations over diet supplements. So Obama really should try to improve his cholestorol FAST.
Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico is now the world’s richest man. See, not all Mexicans have minimum wage jobs.
A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. This isn't that big of a deal. I mean come on, al-Qaida is more popular in Congress.
A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. Apparently strippers and gay people were not allowed to vote.
Unemployment rose in thirty states in January. The other twenty didn't have jobs to start with.
Virginia has become the first state to ban mandatory health insurance. They were also the first US state on the Republican mortal enemy list.
The Obama Administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air traffic control system. All the Obama Administration needs to do is buy two pillows and a blanket.
A college student in Florida has been charged with making a hoax weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat of a Toyota. Heh, at this rate, a Toyota by itself is a weapon of mass destruction.
Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. He will likely be able to once again start taping his TV show Two and a Half Men. The twist is, though, that Charlie is the half man.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans. It will be used to dry their husbands' tears when the Steelers choke.
A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. After all, who else to remove those words from daily life than the city farthest from him...
That's it, everybody! Definitely more tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"$27 Million Observation Deck"
Utah is considering eliminating 12th grade for students who finish with the requirements early. One of the requirements makes them fit in with Utah adults and high school students around the country: the boys must have more than one girlfriend.
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
Monday, January 25, 2010
"Classes In Personal Finance"
HELLO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS. THESE ARE MY MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR JANUARY 25
An Italian man who argued with his son over Sony PlayStation tactics was recovering in hospital on Monday after the teenager stabbed him in the neck with a 15-inch kitchen knife, police and hospital officials said. I'm assuming the video game advice was for Grand Theft Auto.
A woman who was visiting a museum tripped and fell, and put a 6-8 inch gash in a 100-year old Picasso painting. The last time a Picasso painting was this ruined was when it involved a sloth skeleton, caviar, and the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Considering he's a priest, only God knows what he was going to do with that.
A growing number of high school across the country are offering classes in personal finance. Among the high schools not offering that course: Barack Obama High School, George W. Bush High School, AIG High School...
Burger King is opening a restaurant in Miami Beach that will serve beer. This is the first Burger King in history that SHOULDN'T have a drive-thru.
Brett Favre was injured during the Vikings' loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game, and many people are wondering whether this will be Favre's last game. To which Favre said, "This will be my last game. Then it won't be. Then I will permanently retire. And then I will sign a 1-year contract to play again..."
John McCain says the movement he led to reform how political campaigns are financed is dead. Isn't that because he LOST the 2008 election?
Well, thanks for reading this, everyone! More jokes to come soon!
An Italian man who argued with his son over Sony PlayStation tactics was recovering in hospital on Monday after the teenager stabbed him in the neck with a 15-inch kitchen knife, police and hospital officials said. I'm assuming the video game advice was for Grand Theft Auto.
A woman who was visiting a museum tripped and fell, and put a 6-8 inch gash in a 100-year old Picasso painting. The last time a Picasso painting was this ruined was when it involved a sloth skeleton, caviar, and the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Considering he's a priest, only God knows what he was going to do with that.
A growing number of high school across the country are offering classes in personal finance. Among the high schools not offering that course: Barack Obama High School, George W. Bush High School, AIG High School...
Burger King is opening a restaurant in Miami Beach that will serve beer. This is the first Burger King in history that SHOULDN'T have a drive-thru.
Brett Favre was injured during the Vikings' loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game, and many people are wondering whether this will be Favre's last game. To which Favre said, "This will be my last game. Then it won't be. Then I will permanently retire. And then I will sign a 1-year contract to play again..."
John McCain says the movement he led to reform how political campaigns are financed is dead. Isn't that because he LOST the 2008 election?
Well, thanks for reading this, everyone! More jokes to come soon!
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