"A Hoax Weapon Of Mass Destruction"

The wife of Congressman John Conyers has been sentenced to three years in prison for bribery. To which she said, "If anyone helps me find a way out of jail, I'll give them five thousand bucks".

Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. I'm not sure that one public school closing is all that big of a deal...

A study says that good health is equated to more senior sex. I don't care if they're healthy, I really don't want to see that.

Senator John McCain is abandoning his own bill that would increase regulations over diet supplements. So Obama really should try to improve his cholestorol FAST.

Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico is now the world’s richest man. See, not all Mexicans have minimum wage jobs.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. This isn't that big of a deal. I mean come on, al-Qaida is more popular in Congress.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. Apparently strippers and gay people were not allowed to vote.

Unemployment rose in thirty states in January. The other twenty didn't have jobs to start with.

Virginia has become the first state to ban mandatory health insurance. They were also the first US state on the Republican mortal enemy list.

The Obama Administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air traffic control system. All the Obama Administration needs to do is buy two pillows and a blanket.

A college student in Florida has been charged with making a hoax weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat of a Toyota. Heh, at this rate, a Toyota by itself is a weapon of mass destruction.

Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. He will likely be able to once again start taping his TV show Two and a Half Men. The twist is, though, that Charlie is the half man.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans. It will be used to dry their husbands' tears when the Steelers choke.

A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. After all, who else to remove those words from daily life than the city farthest from him...

That's it, everybody! Definitely more tomorrow!