"Door To The Afterlife"

Larry King’s audience on CNN has dropped 43%. Seriously, when it comes to Larry King, what hasn't dropped?

Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s compensation in 2009 fell 52%. This is a valuable lesson to all business people: Don't take China out of the picture.

A study says that job stress can cause weight gain in some people. Who knew being host of "The Price Is Right" was the most stressful job in the world?

A new study confirms that consumption of chocolate can help to reduce the risk of heart attacks. That's because your heart will be too fat and lazy to attack you.

Ricky Martin has admitted that he is gay. That's what happens when you live la vida loca.

President Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals this year. Remember how poorly he threw the first pitch at the All-Star game last year? It was bad enough to make him the team's ace.

CEO pay in major corporations dropped 8.6% in 2009. However, unearned bonuses evened the bar.

When actress Lindsay Lohan left a friend’s house in LA Saturday, her shoes were covered in a white powder. Lindsay Lohan with white powder? I'm sure it's not anything illegal...

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets will have a brown bag lunch with the Nets fan who recently wore a bag over his head during a game to protest the team’s terrible season. He had a brown bag lunch most likely because that's all he could afford.

A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. This statement was complete bull, which made him the perfect substitute for Glenn Beck.

Heavy rain storms this week may cause flooding on the east coast and threaten to establish new rainfall records. And yet, the Knicks and Nets can't be farther underwater.

Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife. Even more amazing, Larry King was a founding member.

FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A study says that binging on high calorie foods can be as addictive as nicotine or cocaine. The only question is whether you want your addiction to make you skinny or fat.

That's it for today! And this week has been amazing! Monday, I met Jay Leno and today Craig Ferguson called me a "little douchebag", but not in a bad way.

Anyway, more jokes tomorrow!