An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.
A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.
A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".
Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.
Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Kirstie Alley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kirstie Alley. Show all posts
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
"Funnier Than Women"
Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.
Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.
The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?
A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.
Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.
A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.
Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.
The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?
A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.
Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.
A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
"Nude Photos"
President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Alligator Fat"
A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, June 25, 2011
"Sexual Sin"
Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.
Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.
A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.
A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!
Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".
France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?
An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.
Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.
The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.
A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.
A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!
Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".
France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?
An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.
Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.
The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"Away From Soccer"
ABC’s “Good Morning America” invited singer Chris Brown back to their show after he angrily trashed his dressing room and broke a window. Hopefully to clean all that mess up.
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 4, 2011
"Available Online"
Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Genetic Screening"
Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Four Feet Long"
Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Cut In Half"
Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
"Contraband French Fries"
Joke of the Day: A PETA activist dressed up in a chicken suit and asked people to boycott fast food restaurant KFC. However, if you take a guy from PETA wearing a chicken suit seriously, you may have some problems.
It has been reported that Amy Winehouse has been taking acting lessons and wants to be an actress. She can't sing, she has been to rehab, and she focuses way too much on her looks. She's already worthy of being an actress.
Researchers say that 97.5% of all Scots are either smokers, heavy drinkers, physically inactive, overweight or on a bad diet. In other words, 97.5% of Scots live in America.
Researchers say a 13th Century Italian Saint likely died from a heart defect. Let me be the first to say, "So what?".
The Democratic Senate Candidate from South Carolina, Alvin Greene has only $114 in his bank account. He's already making our economy jealous.
Red Sox outfielder Daniel Nava has hit the first pitch he saw in the big leagues for a grand slam. The pitcher has been put under suicide watch.
Minnesota wildlife managers are asking drivers to brake for turtles. And nine years later after they finish crossing the street, people can resume driving again.
The United States training session ahead of Saturday's World Cup Group C opener with England was briefly delayed after an elephant blocked the route of the team bus. To be fair, Kirstie Alley just wanted some autographs.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is offering parents a cure for children who don't want to go to sleep - having them watch his televised speeches. The parents want their children to sleep, not kill themselves.
Swiss customs officers seized one ton of contraband french fries near the French border on Thursday, authorities said. The customs officers called them toxic, while al-Qaeda called them, "The new way for us to defeat the Americans".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
It has been reported that Amy Winehouse has been taking acting lessons and wants to be an actress. She can't sing, she has been to rehab, and she focuses way too much on her looks. She's already worthy of being an actress.
Researchers say that 97.5% of all Scots are either smokers, heavy drinkers, physically inactive, overweight or on a bad diet. In other words, 97.5% of Scots live in America.
Researchers say a 13th Century Italian Saint likely died from a heart defect. Let me be the first to say, "So what?".
The Democratic Senate Candidate from South Carolina, Alvin Greene has only $114 in his bank account. He's already making our economy jealous.
Red Sox outfielder Daniel Nava has hit the first pitch he saw in the big leagues for a grand slam. The pitcher has been put under suicide watch.
Minnesota wildlife managers are asking drivers to brake for turtles. And nine years later after they finish crossing the street, people can resume driving again.
The United States training session ahead of Saturday's World Cup Group C opener with England was briefly delayed after an elephant blocked the route of the team bus. To be fair, Kirstie Alley just wanted some autographs.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is offering parents a cure for children who don't want to go to sleep - having them watch his televised speeches. The parents want their children to sleep, not kill themselves.
Swiss customs officers seized one ton of contraband french fries near the French border on Thursday, authorities said. The customs officers called them toxic, while al-Qaeda called them, "The new way for us to defeat the Americans".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 11, 2010
"English Language Obscenities"
Joke of the Day: British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.
The San Diego Padres turned a triple play against the New York Mets on Thursday. Even the Mets bullpen said, "Come on, you can do better than that".
Mr. T, the star of television's original “A-Team” series, says the new “A-Team” movie is too graphic for him. That's like Kirstie Alley saying you eat too many fattening foods.
The Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English language obscenities the players might use. He has prepared by watching Joe Biden give a speech.
Devo is returning with an album with songs approved in advance by their fans. All three of them.
Justin Bieber says he sometimes gets nervous around the ladies. Apparently he's nervous that he'll catch cooties.
Census estimates say that minorities will be the majority in the U.S. by mid-century. This means that minorities won't be minorities anymore.
The Taliban reportedly hanged a seven year old boy for spying. This just adds to the stereotype of seven year olds as tattle-tales.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
The San Diego Padres turned a triple play against the New York Mets on Thursday. Even the Mets bullpen said, "Come on, you can do better than that".
Mr. T, the star of television's original “A-Team” series, says the new “A-Team” movie is too graphic for him. That's like Kirstie Alley saying you eat too many fattening foods.
The Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English language obscenities the players might use. He has prepared by watching Joe Biden give a speech.
Devo is returning with an album with songs approved in advance by their fans. All three of them.
Justin Bieber says he sometimes gets nervous around the ladies. Apparently he's nervous that he'll catch cooties.
Census estimates say that minorities will be the majority in the U.S. by mid-century. This means that minorities won't be minorities anymore.
The Taliban reportedly hanged a seven year old boy for spying. This just adds to the stereotype of seven year olds as tattle-tales.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, June 7, 2010
"Totally Broke"
Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.
A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?
Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.
British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.
Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.
A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.
Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".
An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".
Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.
Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.
An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.
A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.
More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?
Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.
British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.
Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.
A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.
Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".
An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".
Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.
Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.
An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.
A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.
More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
"A Temporary Hotel"
Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Bob Dylan's Lyrics"
Joke of the Day: A college professor in New York is teaching Bob Dylan's lyrics as literature. That's like recommending Kirstie Alley's diet in health class.
A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.
British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.
Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.
President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?
Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?
A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.
Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.
British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.
Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.
President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?
Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?
A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.
Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"Unwanted Scrap"
Joke of the Day: A pitbull has reportedly taken Viagra to help him stay alive. If the pitbull takes Viagra and stays alive for more than four hours, he must call his doctor.
Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?
Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.
Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.
GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.
Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.
Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.
BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!
A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?
Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.
Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.
GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.
Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.
Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.
BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!
A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"Smooth As A Jet Ride"
Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.
The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.
Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".
Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".
The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.
Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.
Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.
Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.
Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.
Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.
A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.
Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.
A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.
Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".
That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.
The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.
Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".
Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".
The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.
Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.
Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.
Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.
Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.
Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.
A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.
Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.
A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.
Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".
That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Insured His Thumbs"
Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...
The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.
In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.
Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"
Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.
Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.
Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.
In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.
In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.
Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.
A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?
The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".
Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?
New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.
That's all I have for now. More later!
The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.
In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.
Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"
Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.
Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.
Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.
In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.
In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.
Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.
A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?
The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".
Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?
New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.
That's all I have for now. More later!
Friday, April 23, 2010
"Cognitive Capabilities"
Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
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