Alex Schubert in the New York Times

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/30/your-jokes-smoked-salmon-flavored-vodka/

The Joke
The F.D.A. says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as “airplanes.”


Other Great Jokes
Larry King is quitting his show after 25 years. He said he wanted to thank the source of his support for all those years: his suspenders. – Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.

“Toy Story 3” is tops at the box office. The movie is guaranteed to have you on the edge of your seat. The little kid behind you won’t stop kicking the chair. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.

The F.B.I. recently arrested alleged Russian deep-cover agents living and working in the United States. Despite their sophisticated schemes to appear as regular American citizens, authorities grew suspicious of the group after discovering they all had jobs. – Clint Thatcher, Denver

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit – smoked salmon-flavored vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Tex.

"Trademark Suspenders"

Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".

An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.

Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?

A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.

General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.

Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.

Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".

Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?

Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.

A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.

A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Twilight-Themed Apps"

Joke of the Day: A study says that Americans with kids 18 and under are less likely to get exercise and more likely to be overweight. Just like their kids.

The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)

Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.

Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.

The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.

I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.

The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.

Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.

A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*

President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.

The Top Ten Funniest Jokes Of June

NUMBER TEN
A dating site called "cupidtino" finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.

NUMBER NINE
The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have fewer hits than a tennis racket with no strings.

NUMBER EIGHT
The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?

NUMBER SEVEN
A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.

NUMBER SIX
Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".

NUMBER FIVE
Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.

NUMBER FOUR
The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.

NUMBER THREE
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!

NUMBER TWO
British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.

AND FINALLY, THE UNDISPUTED BEST JOKE FROM THE MONTH OF JUNE
June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.

Alex Schubert in the Laughlines Blog

38th time!

The joke:
The White House budget director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he’s still there?


Other jokes from my fellow writers:
A Harry Potter theme park has opened near Orlando. The magic is just incredible. In a matter of seconds, the guy at the ticket window can make your money disappear. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.

It turns out Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are friends, and they may perform in a joint concert. And by joint, I mean together. — Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.

"Unsanitary Conditions"

Joke of the Day: FIFA admits its new soccer ball may be bad. In fact, it's so bad that the only thing worse than the soccer balls are the referees.

A tropical storm named Alex is moving into the Gulf of Mexico, which may cause hundreds of people to evacuate. People haven't ran from Alex since the last time I did stand-up.

Martin Ginsburg, husband of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has died at the age of 78. His death was caused by metastatic cancer, old age, and staring at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Michael Jackson has sold an estimated 35 million albums worldwide since his death one year ago. None of which are photo albums.

BP station owners say that they’re victims of the oil spill. Mainly because they aren't down in the Gulf of Mexico helping out.

The U.S. has unveiled a plan that will make Internet transactions safer. It's called, "Shutting down Craigslist".

The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

President Obama is so mad about what General McChrystal said about him that he has also fired Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, George Lopez...

FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND ISRAEL CARRASCO
A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child". This proves once again that even when he scores, he still loses.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Six Decades Of Hostility"

Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.

Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.

North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.

A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.

The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.

A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.

A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.

A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"

Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".

American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.

A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?

A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?

According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.

A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".

A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".

That's all for today! More coming soon!

"Dead Last In Health Care"

Joke of the Day: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has offered to rebuild a lightning-struck 62-foot-tall Jesus statue in Ohio as long as it carries a message about vegetarianism. Isn't it weird how an advertisement on vegetarianism would be displayed on a man who fed fish to five thousand people?

The Society for Invertebrate Conservation wants the bumblebee in southern Oregon added to the endangered species list. For once, I'd be glad to see an animal on the endangered species list.

A poll says 62% of Americans say the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 38% of Americans don't follow the news.

Health officials are advising against swimming in the water off Pensacola, Florida because of the Gulf oil spill. They also advised against putting a key in a light socket.

A report says the U.S. is dead last in health care, spending more while getting less. They got this idea from going to a major league baseball game.

A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. Ironically, the last people to hear about this story: BP.

Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. Strangely enough, now all they do is bite themselves.

The Naked Cowboy, who performs in a cowboy hat and briefs on Times Square in New York, is suing a woman who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl and performs in a bikini. The judge has ruled that neither one of them are actually naked.

A South Carolina town is considering a law that would make it illegal to sing, yell, shout, whistle, hoot or holler on public streets if it is annoying nearby people. Or, as I call them, vuvuzelas.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Escaping On A Bulldozer"

Joke of the Day: The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?

A study says that three out of ten teens chat with strangers online. The other seven teens actually have friends.

Despite the recession, the world's wealthiest people have gotten richer. That ought to cheer up some blue collar workers.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation without briefing the Lt. Governor of his whereabouts. Hey Mark, let me ask you, is this going to be a regular thing?

Joran Van Der Sloot is reportedly getting letters in prison from women who want to marry him. These women are called "suicidal".

In Berlin, a German student who flipped off a group of Hell’s Angels tried to get away by throwing a puppy at them and then escaping on a bulldozer. Or, as we call that in America, "Michael Vick".

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"The Most Important Job"

Joke of the Day: A study says that Botox may temporarily paralyze a person’s emotions. It also paralyzes their facial expression.

Scientists say that it is the very small creatures who will take the brunt of the Gulf oil spill. I thought BP said they cared about the small people.

President Obama says that being a good father is “the most important job”. Considering all the crap that's going on in our country, I think that being President should be "the most important job".

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says the Gulf oil spill could last another two to four years. When you spend a weekend watching your yacht race in Europe, that's not out of the realm of possibility.

A study says that chimpanzees in the wild will kill other chimps for land. Or, as humans call it, real estate.

A 56 year old Tennessee man has won the AARP Spelling Bee. He won by correctly spelling all the conditions he suffers from.

Vuvuzela inventor Neil Van Schalkwyk is cashing in at the World Cup. Mainly because everywhere else, he's getting death threats.

A poll says that Michael Vick is still the most hated man in sports. This poll was taken entirely by dogs.

A proposed new tax could raise the price of cigarettes in New York up to $10 a pack. The bill is called, "We only want the Yankees to smoke".

That's all for now, everybody! More later!

"Imported Australian Honeybees"

Joke of the Day: Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.

British Petroleum handed the job of repairing its image off to an American in hopes that US citizens will be able to better relate. They won't do anything, and when they do, they are unsuccessful. They couldn't relate to Americans any better.

Scientists believe imported Australian honeybees may be responsible to the declining numbers of bees in this country. Isn't it a little redundant when bringing more bees in the country actually brings their population down?

In New York, a door-to-door vacuum salesman was charged with damaging a homeowner’s $1,300 bed mattress. The salesman will be sued for the price of the mattress, also known as his life savings.

In northeastern Pennsylvania, rattlesnake rustlers are rounding up snakes for a big annual carnival. It's no big deal. It's nothing but a bunch of insurance companies with booths.

Actress Angelina Jolie has quietly returned to Haiti for meetings with Haitian and U.N. officials. Haitians were skeptical until they saw Jolie with a large stack of adoption papers.

A wildfire in Arizona forced hundreds to evacuate. In response, Arizona said, "Wait, by hundreds, please tell me you mean hundreds of Mexicans.".

That's all for right now! More later!

Alex Schubert in the NYT Laughlines Blog - 37

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/your-jokes-impersonating-a-congressman/

The Joke:
Campbell’s is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with undercooked meatballs. Uh-oh!

Other Great Jokes:
Tony Hayward’s disingenuousness was so complete he was in danger of being charged with impersonating a Congressman. – Will Durst, San Francisco

BP’s chairman said its C.E.O., Tony Hayward, is being relieved of the day-to-day responsibilities of managing the gulf oil spill. Mr. Hayward will instead become England’s new goalkeeper. – Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.

A study says that only 13 percent of the meals in American homes are prepared by men. And even then they’re usually served by the Burger King, Ronald McDonald or the Colonel. – Jim Barach, Charleston, W. Va.

"Six Cups Of Tea"

Joke of the Day: Former NBA star Manute Bol, who was 7 feet and 7 inches tall, has died at the age of 47. His casket came with a note that read, "Good Luck".

BP CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. How does that make things different from before?

A 27 year old woman drinking a beer in a Maryland bar was mistaken for Justin Bieber. Apparently the other people in the bar had way to much to drink.

A study says that six cups of tea and two to four cups of coffee a day can be good for your heart. This is also called, "The average daily drink consumption of a senior citizen".

A study says that smoking marijuana can worsen a person’s schizophrenia. Trust me, I know that. No, I don't. Yes I do. There's no way. Wait, what?

Apple says iPhone sales could top the 100 Million mark by 2011. Little did most Americans know he was talking about the iPhone 8.

Many stock experts still believe that British Petroleum is still a good investment. Yeah, if you want to become completely broke.

The Obama Administration is setting up a “do not pay” list to keep shady contractors from getting paid when they haven’t earned it. In a related story, players for the New York Mets have filed for bankruptcy.

Jesse James has reportedly moved to Texas to be closer to Sandra Bullock. He wants to be closer to Sandra Bullock? That's a first.

A Kentucky man credits a state revenue employee with saving his life when he had a heart attack during a phone call about his income tax bill. Apparently the cause of the heart attack was his discovery about how much he owed.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"2 Billion Gallons"

Joke of the Day: Estonia recently held its first ever mosquito-catching contest. The winner received a year's supply of band-aids and ointment.

BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...

The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?

A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!

Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.

A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.

ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.

A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.

A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.

A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.

AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.

Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.

That's all for right now! More coming later!

"Awarded To Kansas City"

Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.

The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?

The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?

The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.

A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".

U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.

Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.

Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.

Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.

Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.

Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Touchdown Jesus"

Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.

CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.

North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.

The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.

A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.

A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.

The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.

The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".

In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.

On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.

Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.

A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".

A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.

People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.

AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.

That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!

"Deadly Unrest"

Joke of the Day: The UN has urged Kyrgyzstan to hold its elections despite deadly unrest. They were also urged to buy a vowel.

An American carrying a sword and pistol who told police he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden has been arrested. Here's my question: why can't we just find him first?

The new XBOX console - to be launched this week - will have the same price as the old system, but comes with Wi-Fi and a 250GB hard drive. The system's slogan will be, "There's no way you are getting off that couch".

A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, may keep his doctor's license. However, Murray is no longer allowed to sell tanning pills.

A kitten with two faces was born in West Virginia. It's not even a day old, and the cat has already beaten Joan Rivers.

BET is giving Prince a lifetime achievement award. Why? Was Miley Cyrus not available?

A study says that children whose parents set limits on the amount of TV they can watch actually watch less TV. Isn't that kind of the point?

South African soccer fans are causing a commotion with “vuvuzelas”, plastic horns that are being criticized for making the games “loud and unwatchable”. Something plastic made a TV show "loud and unwatchable". This can also describe Heidi Montag's significance to The Hills.

Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi at all its locations starting next month. This is the first time that "Starbucks" and "free" have been used in the same sentence.

A California Court will review an order to reduce the number of inmates. Here's how it works. Instead of ordinary people, they will bring celebrities in court so they are less likely to be convicted.

In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Doesn't that sound like something the KKK would do?

That's all for right now! More coming up later!

"Locks For Honda"

Joke of the Day: British Petroleum executives gave a pep talk to cleanup workers in Louisiana. You know you are bad cleaners when even BP gives you a pep talk about cleaning up.

Workers at a factory in China that makes locks for Honda cars are on strike. They will either be punished by a pay cut or a time-out.

A California couple was married at a Home Depot where they work. They also had the wedding reception at a local Waffle House.

The weight loss industry in China is a growing business. This is the first time that "Weight loss" and "Growing" have been used in the same sentence.

A study says that extroverted men and neurotic, anxious, needy, depressed women make more babies. That ought to be a happy couple.

An 87-year-old San Antonio man is attempting to break his age group record in the pole vault. However, I'm not even sure that 1 foot and 2 inches is much of a challenge.

Police are searching for a burglar who stole a box of cookies from a north Florida discount store. The burglar is expected to be between the ages of 4 and 7.

That's all for today! More upcoming tomorrow!

"Explicit Lyrics"

Joke of the Day: Police said four customers in a vehicle at a Wendy's drive-thru lane midday Saturday claimed their order was incorrect, so they hurled drinks, hamburgers and fries at an employee inside. The customers have been charged with a salt.

A strike by Spirit Airlines pilots shut down the discount carrier on Saturday, stranding thousands of travelers. Or, as Spirit Airlines calls it, "Any other day".

The fast food-chain Wendy's has pulled a disco CD included in kids' meals because of explicit lyrics in one of the songs. Apparently you could buy one of these off of the 50 Cent menu.

I know, yes, only three jokes. However, I believe they are all of good quality. Lots more tomorrow!

The WTF Blanket - this is very funny!

Parody of the Snuggie commercial - this is so funny!

"Contraband French Fries"

Joke of the Day: A PETA activist dressed up in a chicken suit and asked people to boycott fast food restaurant KFC. However, if you take a guy from PETA wearing a chicken suit seriously, you may have some problems.

It has been reported that Amy Winehouse has been taking acting lessons and wants to be an actress. She can't sing, she has been to rehab, and she focuses way too much on her looks. She's already worthy of being an actress.

Researchers say that 97.5% of all Scots are either smokers, heavy drinkers, physically inactive, overweight or on a bad diet. In other words, 97.5% of Scots live in America.

Researchers say a 13th Century Italian Saint likely died from a heart defect. Let me be the first to say, "So what?".

The Democratic Senate Candidate from South Carolina, Alvin Greene has only $114 in his bank account. He's already making our economy jealous.

Red Sox outfielder Daniel Nava has hit the first pitch he saw in the big leagues for a grand slam. The pitcher has been put under suicide watch.

Minnesota wildlife managers are asking drivers to brake for turtles. And nine years later after they finish crossing the street, people can resume driving again.

The United States training session ahead of Saturday's World Cup Group C opener with England was briefly delayed after an elephant blocked the route of the team bus. To be fair, Kirstie Alley just wanted some autographs.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is offering parents a cure for children who don't want to go to sleep - having them watch his televised speeches. The parents want their children to sleep, not kill themselves.

Swiss customs officers seized one ton of contraband french fries near the French border on Thursday, authorities said. The customs officers called them toxic, while al-Qaeda called them, "The new way for us to defeat the Americans".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"English Language Obscenities"

Joke of the Day: British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.

The San Diego Padres turned a triple play against the New York Mets on Thursday. Even the Mets bullpen said, "Come on, you can do better than that".

Mr. T, the star of television's original “A-Team” series, says the new “A-Team” movie is too graphic for him. That's like Kirstie Alley saying you eat too many fattening foods.

The Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English language obscenities the players might use. He has prepared by watching Joe Biden give a speech.

Devo is returning with an album with songs approved in advance by their fans. All three of them.

Justin Bieber says he sometimes gets nervous around the ladies. Apparently he's nervous that he'll catch cooties.

Census estimates say that minorities will be the majority in the U.S. by mid-century. This means that minorities won't be minorities anymore.

The Taliban reportedly hanged a seven year old boy for spying. This just adds to the stereotype of seven year olds as tattle-tales.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Riddled With Errors"

Joke of the Day: Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".

The shares of BP dropped sharply in London amid a massive sell off. Don't they mean a massive oil spill?

CNBC financial host Suze Orman underwent an emergency appendectomy and had to have her appendix removed on Saturday. Apparently her appendix was suffering from heat exhaustion under her flashy jackets.

The Democrat Senate candidate in South Carolina is a 32-year-old man who lives with his parents and who’s been charged with showing obscene photos to a college woman. This guy was born to be a Senator.

A new survey found that 3 out of 4 Americans still believe that global warming is occurring. The other person didn't have Al Gore put a gun to their head.

Scientists say that the sun is about to become much more active, producing numerous sun spots. These scientists work for the Al Gore Institute.

New research from Britain found that an unmade bed may be unappealing to dust mites and thus may be healthier than one that is made. Apparently these researchers are not parents.

Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was 0-for-13 from the field Tuesday night against the Lakers in the NBA championship series. Even BP was giving him advice on how to perform better.

British Petroleum’s 582 page plan for oil spills was riddled with errors and omissions, according to an analysis. Or, as CEO Tony Hayward calls it, "Perfect".

The oldest leather shoe ever found was discovered in Armenia. To which Larry King said, "I've been looking for that!".

A woman on a Continental Airlines flight from Israel to Newark, New Jersey says she was drugged and robbed on the flight. That sounds like something your health insurance company would do to you.

A 600 pound New Jersey woman wants to become the world’s fattest woman by making it to 1,000 pounds. I'm sure her parents will be so proud.

That's all for today! I hope I have more jokes tomorrow!

"Brake Wiring Problems"

Joke of the Day: Chrysler is recalling 600,000 minivans for brake wiring problems. Gosh, these pedal problems are less likely to stop than the cars themselves.

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman spent $70 million of her own money running in California’s gubernatorial primary. Where did she get all that $70 million? Bonuses.

Actress Lindsay Lohan may have drunk alcohol at an after-party following her appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet didn't go off because it was fascinated by all the white powder on her feet.

A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Apparently a bunch of snakes decided to take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.

A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Either that, or they all got jobs on Wall Street.

A Massachusetts school teacher who was preparing to move her classroom found a document dated “April 1792”. It was an essay handed in by John McCain.

Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen says the oil spill containment operation in the Gulf of Mexico is now catching up to 630,000 gallons daily. The bad news: it's being contained in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released more than 50 audio and video recordings from its investigation of suspended Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Unfortunately for Roethlisberger, they are all phone calls and sex tapes.

A study says that one in five Americans is prone to fall asleep in meetings. The other four are playing games, texting, and watching porn during those meetings.

A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. Which expl - oh man, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.

A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. In related news, Gary Coleman's coroner has altered the autopsy.

Chicago teachers are suing the school district saying their classes are too large with as many as 35 children in a room. The teachers are upset because now, it's too hard to determine who they want to have sex with.

President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick". Considering all the bad things going on in Washington right now, he should have said, "whose ass not to kick"; it would have been a smaller list.

The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. In a related story, I will now set my time machine to 1849.

A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. The worker hopes to be off crutches by the time he starts the first grade.

An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run while barefoot. When asked what he was going to buy with the prize money, the man said, "Shoes".

That's all for now! And good news for me: I finally have my second follower! Before, I had one follower: ME! More jokes coming tomorrow, and definitely better jokes tomorrow!

By the way, I hope I keep getting more followers!

"World Ocean Day"

Joke of the Day: A study says that tooth loss and gum disease is being linked to mental decline. The study is entitled "Alabama".

Eugene Van Roosbroeck, an 82 year old former Olympic cyclist, was awarded a gold medal he never received from the 1948 Games. It's almost like BP was awarding him the metal.

Rising wages in China could signal an increase in export prices. To which Walmart said, "What are rising wages?".

A study says that four in five poker players use drugs to stay sharp at the table. That's the same excuse high school druggies are using for school.

A 385 pound Oklahoma woman says she was kicked out of her gym for being too fat after she tried to ride a stationary bike. Isn't it a little redundant when a place that helps people get in shape kicks someone out for being too out of shape?

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo withdrew from his attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open Golf Tournament as it interfered with his workout schedule. To which Cowboys fans said, "What workout schedule?".

Tuesday is World Ocean Day. BP is not expected to celebrate.

An army officer is being charged with divulging top-secret Army reports and giving them to wikileaks.org. This sounds like a website that BP would be in charge of.

The MTV Movie Awards Show was filled with 100 swear words spread through the 122 minute program. It's almost exactly like watching Katt Williams do standup - too much swearing, not enough funny parts.

A Florida-based group of nudists are lobbying on Capitol Hill this week. Considering the fact that they are at Congress while angry and completely naked, they will probably blend in.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Totally Broke"

Joke of the Day: June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.

A porn actor suspect of killing a friend moved to the edge of a cliff while evading police and fell to his death. Who knew that Wile E. Coyote was in the porn business?

Researchers are studying the effects of having students stand instead of sit during class. One effect: it makes their cell phones more noticeable when they text.

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says he won’t resign and that his company will recover from the Gulf oil spill. This was said after he threw a penny into a fountain at a New Orleans mall.

Sarah Ferguson says she is “totally broke”. Now we know why she made a deal to meet Prince Andrew.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs says that AT&T is improving its network. I guess somebody was able to have a call go through.

A new study says that children of lesbian couples are better adjusted socially and academically than children from traditional families. That's because those kids don't have a dad that could be a bad influence.

Three people were killed and several others injured after a natural gas line in north Texas erupted Monday. To which BP said, "Oh no, not again. There's another gas leak for us to not fix".

An Indonesian census has revealed the possibility of a 157-year old woman. Or, as Larry King calls her, "my granddaughter".

Police said a naked man yelling that he was 'Jesus' was the catalyst for a five-vehicle accident that injured three people and slowed traffic for nearly six hours. The man has been sentenced to death by crucifixion.

Cereal maker Kellogg Co has agreed to drop advertising claims that Rice Krispies will strengthen children's immune systems. Now, it may cause their immune systems to snap, crackle, and pop.

An Australian cafe is claiming a world record after cooking a giant hamburger with a 178 lb patty. It takes 12 hours to cook, four men to flip, and Kirstie Alley to eat.

A Canadian has won a contest for writing the "world's most beautiful tweet." The tweet: After this, I'm going to get a life.

More medical care won't necessarily make you healthier — it may make you sicker. Especially when you look at the hospital bill.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Temporary Hotel"

Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.

An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".

Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.

European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".

A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".

A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.

The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.

“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.

A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.

Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".

Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".

The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".

Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.

Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.

Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Eat Pray Love"

Joke of the Day: The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.

Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".

The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.

The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.

Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.

A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.

A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.

Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.

The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.

President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.

An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.

A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?

A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".

A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Reliance On Fossil Fuels"

Joke of the Day: A study says that 40% of all teenagers have had sex at least once. The other 60% of teenagers are too busy texting to have sex.

California may ban plastic bags from grocery stores. That's because California is running out of plastic for all the plastic surgery that everyone gets.

May brought lower ratings for Larry King at CNN. This adds to the extensive list of things that have been lower for Larry King.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is retiring from baseball after a 22 year career. Now, it's okay for him to nap during games.

Actress Kristen Stewart says that fame is like being raped. You enjoy it at first, but in the end, you end up getting screwed and pregnant with illegitimate children.

President Obama says reliance on fossil fuels must end. He's saying this because BP is pouring all of them into the Gulf of Mexico.

Biologists say the Gulf oil spill won’t wipe out shrimp in the Gulf. If the shrimp die due to ingesting oil, they'd be perfect for Joe's Crab Shack.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel. Key word: attempt.

A survey says that talk therapy works as well as taking anti-depressants. In other words, neither one works at all.

A study says that nighttime urination is linked to a higher death risk. That's because people who do this are "older".

Mark McGwire’s wife has given birth to triplets. I thought steroids made McGwire's you-know-what smaller.

While cutting away a piece of the pipe on the Gulf floor, BP’s diamond-tipped saw blade became stuck. How about we work on getting the oil stuck?

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"Easier To Spot"

Joke of the Day: Oklahoma jail inmates are being given new uniforms to make them easier to spot. It's a Lady Gaga costume.

Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?

British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".

Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?

Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.

A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.

NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.

June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.

Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.

The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Finding Cheaper Gas"

Joke of the Day: A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.

Tyra Banks gave a teary farewell to her talk show, saying that critics gave her two weeks, but the show lasted five years. This is almost exactly like Conan O' Brien, but his show lasted seven months.

British Petroleum is finally admitting that the Gulf oil spill is a catastrophe. Next on their list: actually doing something about it.

The GOP has received more money from small donors than the Democrats. Or, as I like to call it, "a non-bailout".

U.S. Diplomat Paul Bremer says the war in Iraq was badly planned. When you have George W. Bush as President, what do you expect?

A study says that high school drop outs cost taxpayers $8 Billion a year in public assistance. What about money for all the illegitimate children that they gave birth to?

U.S. drivers are finding cheaper gas for the Memorial Day Holiday Weekend. It's called "bringing a bucket to the Gulf of Mexico".

Mexico is fighting fat by banning junk food from its schools. Mexico wants these kids to be fit when they immigrate to the U.S.

Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay pitched a perfect game against the Florida Marlins on Saturday. It was the best offensive performance by the Marlins all year.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have apparently broken up. They broke up with each other when they realized how much of an idiot they both can be.

British Petroleum Managing Director Robert Dudley says that the company is learning from its failures and will apply them to their next try. Their next try? Don't they mean their first try?

Gary Coleman’s parents are demanding answers about his death. Like where is the curb that he fell off of?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!