"Reliance On Fossil Fuels"

Joke of the Day: A study says that 40% of all teenagers have had sex at least once. The other 60% of teenagers are too busy texting to have sex.

California may ban plastic bags from grocery stores. That's because California is running out of plastic for all the plastic surgery that everyone gets.

May brought lower ratings for Larry King at CNN. This adds to the extensive list of things that have been lower for Larry King.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is retiring from baseball after a 22 year career. Now, it's okay for him to nap during games.

Actress Kristen Stewart says that fame is like being raped. You enjoy it at first, but in the end, you end up getting screwed and pregnant with illegitimate children.

President Obama says reliance on fossil fuels must end. He's saying this because BP is pouring all of them into the Gulf of Mexico.

Biologists say the Gulf oil spill won’t wipe out shrimp in the Gulf. If the shrimp die due to ingesting oil, they'd be perfect for Joe's Crab Shack.

A French man with no arms or legs will attempt to swim across the English Channel. Key word: attempt.

A survey says that talk therapy works as well as taking anti-depressants. In other words, neither one works at all.

A study says that nighttime urination is linked to a higher death risk. That's because people who do this are "older".

Mark McGwire’s wife has given birth to triplets. I thought steroids made McGwire's you-know-what smaller.

While cutting away a piece of the pipe on the Gulf floor, BP’s diamond-tipped saw blade became stuck. How about we work on getting the oil stuck?

That's all for now! More tomorrow!