“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.
Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.
Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.
A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.
A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".
A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.
The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.
The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.
Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.
A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.
Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Joan Rivers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joan Rivers. Show all posts
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
"Touchdown Jesus"
Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.
CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.
North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.
The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.
A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.
A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.
The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.
The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".
In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.
On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.
Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.
A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".
A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.
People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.
AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.
That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!
CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.
North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.
The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.
A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.
A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.
The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.
The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.
Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".
In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.
On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.
Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.
A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".
A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.
People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.
AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.
That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"Deadly Unrest"
Joke of the Day: The UN has urged Kyrgyzstan to hold its elections despite deadly unrest. They were also urged to buy a vowel.
An American carrying a sword and pistol who told police he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden has been arrested. Here's my question: why can't we just find him first?
The new XBOX console - to be launched this week - will have the same price as the old system, but comes with Wi-Fi and a 250GB hard drive. The system's slogan will be, "There's no way you are getting off that couch".
A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, may keep his doctor's license. However, Murray is no longer allowed to sell tanning pills.
A kitten with two faces was born in West Virginia. It's not even a day old, and the cat has already beaten Joan Rivers.
BET is giving Prince a lifetime achievement award. Why? Was Miley Cyrus not available?
A study says that children whose parents set limits on the amount of TV they can watch actually watch less TV. Isn't that kind of the point?
South African soccer fans are causing a commotion with “vuvuzelas”, plastic horns that are being criticized for making the games “loud and unwatchable”. Something plastic made a TV show "loud and unwatchable". This can also describe Heidi Montag's significance to The Hills.
Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi at all its locations starting next month. This is the first time that "Starbucks" and "free" have been used in the same sentence.
A California Court will review an order to reduce the number of inmates. Here's how it works. Instead of ordinary people, they will bring celebrities in court so they are less likely to be convicted.
In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Doesn't that sound like something the KKK would do?
That's all for right now! More coming up later!
An American carrying a sword and pistol who told police he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden has been arrested. Here's my question: why can't we just find him first?
The new XBOX console - to be launched this week - will have the same price as the old system, but comes with Wi-Fi and a 250GB hard drive. The system's slogan will be, "There's no way you are getting off that couch".
A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, may keep his doctor's license. However, Murray is no longer allowed to sell tanning pills.
A kitten with two faces was born in West Virginia. It's not even a day old, and the cat has already beaten Joan Rivers.
BET is giving Prince a lifetime achievement award. Why? Was Miley Cyrus not available?
A study says that children whose parents set limits on the amount of TV they can watch actually watch less TV. Isn't that kind of the point?
South African soccer fans are causing a commotion with “vuvuzelas”, plastic horns that are being criticized for making the games “loud and unwatchable”. Something plastic made a TV show "loud and unwatchable". This can also describe Heidi Montag's significance to The Hills.
Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi at all its locations starting next month. This is the first time that "Starbucks" and "free" have been used in the same sentence.
A California Court will review an order to reduce the number of inmates. Here's how it works. Instead of ordinary people, they will bring celebrities in court so they are less likely to be convicted.
In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Doesn't that sound like something the KKK would do?
That's all for right now! More coming up later!
Friday, January 29, 2010
"Pork Will Spice Up Your Sex Life"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes from January 29, 2009.
Joan Rivers says that Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are not funny. Look, Jay and Conan can easily make funny faces. Joan just tries to.
John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape with his mistress. We know it's John because at the end, he walks up to the camera and says, "I'm John Edwards, and I approved this message."
Argentina’s President Cristina Fernandez says eating pork will spice up your sex life, even more than Viagra. The possible titles of her speech have been narrowed down to: "Bigger is Better", "More to Love", and "Viva McDonald's".
In an interview on a Cincinnati radio station this morning, rocker Ozzy Osbourne said that if he were a character in a movie, he would like Denzel Washington to play his character. Really? I was thinking Dick Clark... (ZERO insensitivity intended WHATSOEVER)
Terrorists are now trying to buy Botox because the key ingredient in Botox can be used to kill people. This forever justifies the saying, "Looks can kill".
New York City's transit agency is investigating a video posted online that shows a man kissing and snuggling a live chicken aboard a subway. The investigation has come to the following conclusion: They have never seen someone in a Subway treat a chicken with kindness.
A marijuana megastore has opened in Oakland. The weird thing about that: The Raiders were customers of the month, and they weren't even open.
Singer and guitarist Willie Nelson canceled a North Carolina concert because of a bum hand. Right after he got off the stage, he began the grueling process of not filing his taxes.
St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson has been accused of beating his girlfriend who was nine months pregnant with the couple's child at his Las Vegas home last year. This is the first time that you can put "St. Louis Rams" and "Beating" in the same sentence in that order.
Steven said that these rumors were "hurtful" and "untrue". His girlfriend agreed with the first part.
Joan Rivers says that Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are not funny. Look, Jay and Conan can easily make funny faces. Joan just tries to.
John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape with his mistress. We know it's John because at the end, he walks up to the camera and says, "I'm John Edwards, and I approved this message."
Argentina’s President Cristina Fernandez says eating pork will spice up your sex life, even more than Viagra. The possible titles of her speech have been narrowed down to: "Bigger is Better", "More to Love", and "Viva McDonald's".
In an interview on a Cincinnati radio station this morning, rocker Ozzy Osbourne said that if he were a character in a movie, he would like Denzel Washington to play his character. Really? I was thinking Dick Clark... (ZERO insensitivity intended WHATSOEVER)
Terrorists are now trying to buy Botox because the key ingredient in Botox can be used to kill people. This forever justifies the saying, "Looks can kill".
New York City's transit agency is investigating a video posted online that shows a man kissing and snuggling a live chicken aboard a subway. The investigation has come to the following conclusion: They have never seen someone in a Subway treat a chicken with kindness.
A marijuana megastore has opened in Oakland. The weird thing about that: The Raiders were customers of the month, and they weren't even open.
Singer and guitarist Willie Nelson canceled a North Carolina concert because of a bum hand. Right after he got off the stage, he began the grueling process of not filing his taxes.
St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson has been accused of beating his girlfriend who was nine months pregnant with the couple's child at his Las Vegas home last year. This is the first time that you can put "St. Louis Rams" and "Beating" in the same sentence in that order.
Steven said that these rumors were "hurtful" and "untrue". His girlfriend agreed with the first part.
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