"Pork Will Spice Up Your Sex Life"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes from January 29, 2009.

Joan Rivers says that Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are not funny. Look, Jay and Conan can easily make funny faces. Joan just tries to.

John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape with his mistress. We know it's John because at the end, he walks up to the camera and says, "I'm John Edwards, and I approved this message."

Argentina’s President Cristina Fernandez says eating pork will spice up your sex life, even more than Viagra. The possible titles of her speech have been narrowed down to: "Bigger is Better", "More to Love", and "Viva McDonald's".

In an interview on a Cincinnati radio station this morning, rocker Ozzy Osbourne said that if he were a character in a movie, he would like Denzel Washington to play his character. Really? I was thinking Dick Clark... (ZERO insensitivity intended WHATSOEVER)

Terrorists are now trying to buy Botox because the key ingredient in Botox can be used to kill people. This forever justifies the saying, "Looks can kill".

New York City's transit agency is investigating a video posted online that shows a man kissing and snuggling a live chicken aboard a subway. The investigation has come to the following conclusion: They have never seen someone in a Subway treat a chicken with kindness.

A marijuana megastore has opened in Oakland. The weird thing about that: The Raiders were customers of the month, and they weren't even open.

Singer and guitarist Willie Nelson canceled a North Carolina concert because of a bum hand. Right after he got off the stage, he began the grueling process of not filing his taxes.

St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson has been accused of beating his girlfriend who was nine months pregnant with the couple's child at his Las Vegas home last year. This is the first time that you can put "St. Louis Rams" and "Beating" in the same sentence in that order.

Steven said that these rumors were "hurtful" and "untrue". His girlfriend agreed with the first part.