Friday, December 31, 2010

"They Will Kiss At Midnight"

Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.

Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.

Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.

Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.

Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.

China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?

A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?

CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.

The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.

BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.

Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.

Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?

Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.

Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.

Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.

That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

"A Second Chance"

President Obama and his family went snorkeling in Hawaii while on vacation. Because if President Obama is used to anything, it's being under water.

Police were called to an Ohio McDonald’s after an employee threatened to hit a customer with a mop. You know what Justin Bieber would call this? A headbutt.

President Obama praised the NFL for giving Michael Vick a “second chance”. Following the comment, Obama called Vick and asked, "So, what's it like to get another chance?".

Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick “should have been executed” for killing dogs. Apparently Carlson is a Giants fan.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

"Back To Normal"

Now that the blizzard in the northeast has passed, traffic is back to normal. Because everybody looks forward to traffic that the northeast calls normal.

While the state of New Jersey was in the midst of a declared emergency, Governor Chris Christie was at Disney World. Why is he at Disney World? Because after all, being the governor of New Jersey, he has nothing to celebrate.

There's a new iPhone app called NoseDial, allowing you to dial your phone with your nose. It's perfect for the person with absolutely nothing better to do.

A new study says that people who socialize more have bigger brains than those who don’t. Especially when it comes to women.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell says we have become a “nation of wussies” after the Philadelphia-Minnesota NFL game was postponed due to snow. Unfortunately, the speech was cut short when Rendell broke a nail.

A poll says President Obama is the most admired man in the country. This poll was not given to any Republicans.

That's all for right now! More later!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

"A High Rate"

A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.

The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!

Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.

For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.

After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.

That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!

Friday, December 24, 2010

"Shorter Life Spans"

Today is Christmas Eve. If you are going to do some last minute shopping, I heard about a great deal. For $1,000, an Ohio State player will give you some great memorabilia.

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.

A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.

A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.

The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".

An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.

That's all for right now! More later!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

"A Foot Fetish"

President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.

Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.

President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.

An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".

A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.

A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.

The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.

A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.

That's all for right now! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"A Flash Mob"

During the full lunar eclipse, the moon turned a pale orange color. It was so pale orange that it joined the cast of Jersey Shore.

A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.

Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.

A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.

Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.

Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.

A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.

Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.

Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".

Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Secession Ball"

South Carolina is holding its annual “Secession Ball”. Unfortunately, half of the ball-goers left early and started their own ball.

Merriam-Webster named “austerity” word of the year for 2010. "Austerity" is a strict economy. That's like "freedom" being the word of the year for North Korea.

A dog in Germany gave birth to 17 puppies. By force of habit, Angelina Jolie adopted 12 of them.

Indianapolis Colts receiver Austin Collie has suffered head injuries in three games this season. The last time I heard "Collie" and "head injuries" in the same sentence, Michael Vick was in court.

Jermaine Jackson says he was robbed of $192,000 in jewelry, furs and clothes. You know what Flavor Flav calls this? His daily outfit.

The Washington Post says the government has created a vast domestic spy network that collects information on Americans. Isn't that called "WikiLeaks"?

Actress Marilu Henner is one of only six people in the world who have a condition called superior autobiographical memory, where she can remember every day of her life. Or, as a man would call it, "A worst nightmare".

Blockbuster is planning on closing 182 stores by April. This is expected to come as a shock to Blockbuster's four loyal customers.

Police in New York stopped a driver for running a red light and discovered more than 500 pounds of marijuana inside his minivan. This story is being called, "A day in the life of a cab driver".

The U.S. teen birth rate hit an all-time low in 2009. This is due to the fact that teens would just prefer to watch 16 and Pregnant.

Last night was the premeire of "Million Dollar Money Drop", where contestants are given $1,000,000 and watch it slowly disappear. Or, as Charles Barkley calls it, "Tuesday".

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has sold his memoirs to two publishing houses. The title of his memoirs: FML.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, December 20, 2010

"Hard As Concrete"

Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.

A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.

A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.

Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".

An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.

A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".

A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.

WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.

Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.

Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?

A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.

That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

"A London Jail"

Members of the US Senate will be working in Washington through the holidays. It marks the first time that US Senators will actually be working.

The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...

President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.

A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.

A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?

A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".

Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.

A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.

A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.

Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

"Offensive To Muslims"

Two of Kate Gosselin’s children have been expelled from their school. That's what happens when Jon Gosselin is your role model.

Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again someday. That's like me saying I would like to eat another piece of pizza.

A fight broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding ceremony. That's like a wet t-shirt contest at Paris Hilton's wedding ceremony.

Researchers discovered that flu germs are passed easily in high schools. Also passed at high schools: STDs.

An Austrian judge ruled that yodeling can be offensive to Muslims. Muslims first need to know that them playing Jenga is offensive to Americans.

Washington, D.C. is the most educated region in the nation, according to the Census Bureau. Try saying that during Bush's presidency.

A 71 year old Kansas woman beat down an intruder with a frying pan. Police are still trying to determine what's more hilarious: getting beat up by an old woman or a frying pan.

That's all for right now! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

"A Black Eye"

Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.

Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.

The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.

The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".

Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.

Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?

The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.

Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".

Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.

There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".

French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.

A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.

Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.

A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.

A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.

That's all for right now! More later!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Rosie O’Donnell said that she believes Oprah Winfrey is not gay. And believe me, if there is anybody who prevents women from being gay, it's Rosie O'Donnell.

Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?

Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?

LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.

A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".

30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?

NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.

A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.

The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.

A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.

The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?

A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.

The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.

That's all for right now! More later!

Monday, December 13, 2010

"The Bush Tax Cuts"

President Obama met last week with former President Bill Clinton. This was a meeting of the two people in America that can't pull out to save their lives.

Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?

Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.

A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.

The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.

The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.

A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.

Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

"Residency Status"

A Burger King customer in Detroit was killed after being punched by a counter worker. This is an odd twist. Usually, the food gives you a heart attack and then you die.

A cable released by WikiLeaks says that Cuba will be insolvent within two to three years. Who does Cuba think they are? The United States?

Rahm Emanuel is facing a residency status hearing for his run for Mayor of Chicago. God, is anybody in the Obama Administration from here?

A study says that men who cycle five hours a week or more may have less healthy sperm. I have a gut feeling this is due to the bicycle seat.

Bernie Madoff's son has committed suicide. He killed himself when he realized his dad was Bernie Madoff.

That's all for today! Definitely more soon!

Friday, December 10, 2010

"A Paper Copy"

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.

In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".

A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.

Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.

A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.

College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.

A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.

One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.

Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.

Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.

Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.

A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.

A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.

A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.

Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.

A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.

President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.

That's all for right now! More later!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

"Gay HIV Transmission"

KFC plans to double its presence in Africa, expanding up to 1200 locations. Meanwhile, in America, KFC has doubled the presence of most Americans.

Former “Baywatch” star and Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico claims a male TSA agent singled her out for a full body scan at LAX. I wonder what would give that man the idea to do that.

Scientists in Kenya found a rare and very odd-looking fly, called the “terrible hairy fly”. Doesn't that sound like what a five-year old would call it?

A German man is under arrest after police found a 6-foot-tall marijuana plant disguised as a Christmas tree. One thing's for sure: those cookies weren't making it to Santa.

Iowa’s Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was suspended from the team due to charges he maintained a drug house. Isn't that called a college dorm room?

Texas defensive end Sam Acho won the award for college’s top scholar athlete. He absolutely deserves to win. At one point, his GPA was above 2.0.

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan buried the game ball after an embarrassing loss to the Patriots. After a game like that, who in their right mind would give the game ball to the Jets?

Singer Aretha Franklin reportedly has cancer. Did she not read the health warning on her hats?

Cats reportedly help kids avoid skin disease. Unless they are allergic.

A new study says that circumcision may not cure gay HIV transmission. Thanks for the tip!

A poll says that nearly half of Americans think China has the world’s strongest economy. The other half don't shop at Walmart.

A report says that one in four people released from Guantanamo Bay prison return to terrorist activities. I'm glad these people are learning their lesson.

A poll says that tax cuts for the wealthy are only supported by one third of voters. These voters are called "the wealthy".

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” will be inside the ball that will be dropped at Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Hopefully they leave her in there forever.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

"Giving Shoes"

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is in a British jail. You know Americans can't control things when the most hated man in America is arrested by the British.

The New York Yankees’ Derek Jeter is angry at the way his $51 million contract deal came down. As a matter of fact, Jeter was so angry that he tried to throw a baseball at GM Brian Cashman. Of course, it sailed five feet over his head.

Sylvester Stallone had been elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. It's marks the first time in history that an English speaking man has ever needed a translator.

U.S. teens are ranked 25th globally in math. Even worse, there were only 24 ranks.

The U.S. will host the World Press Freedom Day in 2011. News reporters have been banned from the event.

A study says that coffee and donuts can give the brain a boost. In that case, why is America's educational system so bad?

Barefoot singer Michael Franti is performing concerts with the goal of giving shoes to the needy around the world. That's like the singer for Barenaked Ladies holding a clothes drive.

That's all I have for today! Sorry, I am really tired. More tomorrow

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

"Paid Less"

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.

Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.

The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.

Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".

The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.

A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?

A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.

A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.

AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.

An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.

President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?

A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.

A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, December 6, 2010

"The First Pardons"

President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency.  Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.

In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors.  In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.

Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show.  She didn't have to go on there?  Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".

A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu.  He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".

Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars.  Kind of like the Miami Heat.

Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life.  In America, we call those "tabloids".

A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring.  This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows.  Instead of them paying me, I pay them.

NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management.  Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.

An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library.  She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.

Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards.  Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?

The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older.  It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.

Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power.  What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

"False Memories"

CNN reporter Drew Griffin was put on a TSA watch list after a report that was critical of the agency.  In that case, shouldn't everybody in America be put on their watch list?

Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress.  Why does he need a cell phone?  I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.

Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job.  I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.

A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library.  There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.

BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high.  Try telling that to all the dead fish!

A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number.  Oh, come on, who would want to be me?

Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011.  And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...

A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife.  I'm proud of him.  Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.

Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling.  With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?

A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September.  Who knew Waffle House was hiring?

A study says that brain damage can create false memories.  You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.

That's all I have for today!  More coming tomorrow!

Friday, December 3, 2010

"Amish Romance Novels"

Qatar has beaten the U.S., Australia, Japan and South Korea to host the 2022 World Cup.  That's like having The Situation audition for a Bowflex ad and they end up choosing me.

A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older.  I was stunned when I heard this.  There are children exercising?

A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic.  In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.

President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland.  He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.

Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream.  Wait, how do they get typed?

Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations.  Isn't that called a diary?

The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020.  However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.

A study says that pollution makes birds gay.  In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.

Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta.  Oh Mylanta!

That's all for today!  More tomorrow!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

"Using An Electric Eel"

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday.  To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.

A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky.  And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.

The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents.  For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)

MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery.  You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.

An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree.  This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?

The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU.  That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.

Newark, New Jersey is laying off 14% of its police force because of budget problems.  The biggest problem: nobody wants to live in Newark.

A report says that good looking couples have more daughters.  In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.

A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder.  That's peculiar for him.  He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?

72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years.  I am already getting visuals that I don't want.

Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark.  "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".

Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients.  What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?

The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie.  The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?

That's all I have for right now!  More tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hey! Guess What!

Guess what? I'm on Twitter! Finally, another website for my crappy jokes.

Follow me @ AlexSchubs

"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 29, 2010

"The Next Release"

While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.

A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.

A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.

The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...

Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.

Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...

New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.

A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.

England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.

MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.

The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?

A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.

The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.

Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

"Quidditch Lingerie"

English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.

A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".

Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".

Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?

A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.

A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?

A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.

A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.

Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.

Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?

An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?

Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".

Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, November 26, 2010

"Trapped In Her Bathroom"

Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".

South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.

A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.

A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.

Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.

President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.

A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.

Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.

-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

"Royal Work Load"

Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.

A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.

Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.

A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.

A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".

An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.

A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.

A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.

A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.

A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.

Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?

An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.

That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 22, 2010

"Fainted On Stage"

President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".

Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.

A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.

New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.

Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.

Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".

Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.

Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.

The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.

A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Local Taverns"

November 19 is the 147th anniversary of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. In other words, it was "Four score and 147 years ago".

November 19 is Larry King’s birthday. He turns 77. Thousand.

Airports are thinking of booting out TSA in favor of private security firms. This would be a change from the TSA, which favored firm privates.

Bernie Madoff has written a new children’s book. The title of the book: Fonzie Steemer the Ponzi Schemer.

An Idaho woman was jailed for pretending to be a doctor and conducting breast exams in local taverns. All signs point to her being a lesbian.

Scientists in Idaho found a seismic fault in the Rockies that could unleash a 7.5 earthquake. They are called "Jumping Exercises on the Biggest Loser Ranch".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"A Bomb Scare"

Apple says iTunes will start selling music from The Beatles. The reason it took them so long was because Steve Jobs was waiting for approval from John Lennon.

The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.

Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.

Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.

New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.

A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.

Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.

Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.

The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?

Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".

A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.

A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.

Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.

A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?

The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.

A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.

Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".

LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?

A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.

What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 15, 2010

"Hidden In Her Bra"

A new survey says “spillcam” and “vuvuzela” are the top words for 2010. While we're talking about the list of things that annoy the hell out of us, why not say "Alex Schubert".

Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.

A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?

200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".

A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?

The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".

Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.

President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.

The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, November 12, 2010

"Attacking A Policeman"

Conan O’Brien lost one third of his viewers the second night of his new show. Mainly because his viewers realized that if they wanted to watch a drunk white guy make an ass of himself, they could just watch Letterman.

An Illinois woman is accused of attacking a policeman with a sex toy. In other words, she just stole the officer's handcuffs.

NBA player Gilbert Arenas admitted that he once defecated in a teammate’s shoes. And you thought the Wizards were crap before.

A nearly 300-foot tower being demolished in Ohio fell the wrong direction and scared people. Especially the people inside the building.

A Virginia bill is asking for a special license plate commemorating the Tea Party. It's for cars that only turn to the right.

Amazon is no longer selling a controversial guide for pedophiles. The book is called, "Becoming a Priest: For Dummies".

A study says that people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking to other people. No wonder I'm such a grouch.

A study says that people’s minds wander 47% of the time. In fact, it ...

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Diseased Lungs"

The federal government has proposed placing graphic images of diseased lungs on packages of cigarettes. They could also just ban cigarettes.

Researchers say Neanderthals had a raucous and promiscuous sex life. In fact, it was reported that Regis Philbin had seven mistresses.

The new French fries at Wendy’s now have sea salt. Unfortunately, so does their water.

The tuberous bushcricket has the largest testicles in relation to its body size of any known creature. That's ironic for a creature with "bush" in its name.

Two sisters in Oklahoma playing for their school golf team got holes-in-one during the same round. And they also kicked ass on the golf course, too.

Sears stores will stay open on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in their 124 year history. In fact, every Sears store combined is expected to get at least two customers.

Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner says he will travel between home and Washington, D.C. on commercial flights. I'm not sure Joe Biden got the message when he heard "Boehner coming and going".

A sex shop in Alabama offers a drive through window to buy sex toys. What do you get when you cross a drive thru with a sex shop? "Would you like fries ... with this shake?".

President Bush says he has a “clean conscience” when it came to recognizing the problems that led to the financial crisis. No, Mr. President, it wasn't your conscience that was clear. It was your brain.

Former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon says he is suffering memory loss at age 51. The real question is: how does he know what he's suffering from?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"The Friendliest City"

Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Especially if those texts are of them without their clothes on. is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.

Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.

A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.

President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?

President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.

Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"Electric Taxis"

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants big cities to start using electric taxis. How about cleaner taxis?

Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.

A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.

Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.

Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?

Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.

Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".

President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.

Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.

A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 8, 2010

"Joined Facebook"

We lost an hour this weekend due to Daylight Savings Time. Usually, when Americans lose an hour, they watch Dancing With The Stars.

Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".

Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.

A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.

President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".

Amazon is buying for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.

A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?

Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.

Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.

A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Damn Right"

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.

Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".

Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.

German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?

The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.

Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

Friday, November 5, 2010

"A Big Parade"

President Obama says everyone in Washington, including himself, needs to do a better job. He's just figuring this out now?

A giant panda at the Atlanta Zoo gave birth to a cub for the third time. To which people in Chicago said, "Please tell me this cub can play baseball".

The Giants had a big parade in San Francisco. And then they realized that they won the World Series.

The price of sugar is at a 30 year high. And do you think obese Americans care?

A woman in Spain says she is “delighted” her ten year old daughter gave birth along with the 13 year old father. The woman added that it's nice to be a 21-year old grandmother.

A Los Angeles man says he stayed awake 40 straight days with no sleep. He stayed awake by being forced to watch attack ads.

Forbes has named Chinese President Hu Jintao as the world’s most powerful person. Let's be fair. His country has their own jobs. And American jobs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

"Prop 19"

Prop 19, which called for the legalization of marijuana in California, did not pass yesterday. This is terrible news for stoners who still don't notice the difference.

Three US astronauts on the International Space Station cast their ballots on Tuesday. These votes did not have any weight on the election.

Indonesia’s erupting Mt. Merapi volcano forced the cancellation of numerous international flights. So numerous international flights did not fly. And then a volcano erupted.

The 49ers rallied to beat the Broncos at Wembley Stadium in London, Sunday, in front of 84,000 fans. Unfortunately, 83,000 of those fans thought they were going to watch a different football.

The Magic-Knicks game at Madison Square Garden was postponed after debris fell from the rafters. The debris fell faster than the Knicks' winning percentage.

A 17 year old stowaway in Siberia survived a flight in a plane's landing gear. And his ride was the most comfortable of anybody in the plane.

The midterm election turnout is expected to break records. One record: the most suicides due to being annoyed by attack ads.

A report says that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish ended their marriage after she had an affair with Bret Michaels. And after Billy Ray Cyrus had an affair with his daughter.

The lawyer of Brooke Mueller says her husband Charlie Sheen humiliated her. Isn't being married to Charlie Sheen humiliating enough?

Janet Jackson says in an interview that she never wanted to be a singer. If only Michael had that same revelation.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"A Pink Wig"

Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.

At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.

Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.

Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.

A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.

One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.

A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".

A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.

Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.

China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]

The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.

A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!