"Assault and Flattery"

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.

NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.

A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.

Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.

Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.

A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.

Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.

Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.

Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.

A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.

Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.

A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.

Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.

A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.

The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.

Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!

"Quite the Snatch"

A new vaccine is being developed to fight Alzheimer’s disease, and could be on the market soon after successful tests on mice. After the tests on mice brains, they plan to test the vaccine on people with equally sized brains: anti-vaxxers.

Dr. Phil is selling his Beverly Hills home for $5.75 million dollars, and the home includes a staircase that’s covered in metallic snakes. Man, if Dr. Phil wanted to decorate his staircase with things that hiss loudly and scare anyone that comes near it, he should’ve just decorated it with pictures of himself.

Allee Willis, who co-wrote the theme song for Friends, has died at the age of 72. After her funeral, the cast of the show will gather by a fountain and give her a four-clap salute.

The Houston Texans defeated the Buffalo Bills 22-19 in overtime in the first round of the playoffs. After the game winning field goal, a jubilant Will Fuller engaged in a celebration where he jumped up and down, during which he tore both of his ACLs.

A National Security Analyst referred to Donald Trump's threatening tweets regarding retaliation against Iran as "preschool-level deterrence". This is due to him blaming his decision to strike Iran on Dopey Dora the Explorer and Crooked Elmo.

A report says some men sleep with their long distance girlfriends over video chat to keep them company. Though the hardest part of this for the men is making sure the camera shot doesn't show the other girl in their beds.

An Instagram model sold nude pictures to anyone who donated at least $10 to the relief efforts of the Australian wildfires. Not to be outdone, the bunnies in the Playboy Mansion just released a rendition of “We Are The World”.

Amazon mistakenly shipped a man a waffle iron with an old waffle still inside. If anything, I'm just glad they didn't ship him a coffin.

A report says that electronic scooter injuries have jumped 222% in the last four years. Upon hearing the news from the researchers, angry scooter riders who want to continue their hobby put up their middle fingers at them, which wasn't the only time that they had flipped a Bird.

The Ohio medical marijuana board is considering making “being a Bengals fan” a qualifying condition for obtaining medical marijuana. The best part of this is, if it’s accepted, the cashier at each dispensary will put the marijuana products in paper bags, and follow that up by cutting eye holes in the bags so Bengals fans can wear them to games.

Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina-scented candle that sold out in stores almost immediately. Man, it must have been quite the snatch.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Houston Texans 51-31 in their playoff matchup. The Texans defense got torn up so badly, I almost mistook it for Will Fuller’s ACL.

January 13th's TV options included the NCAA football national championship and the Bachelor. It was an epic night of TV that featured a bunch of people pursuing the same dude, and the Bachelor.

Former President George W. Bush once allegedly described rapper Eminem as “The biggest threat to American youth since polio”. And if polio was still a thing, it would make it impossible for the real Slim Shady to stand up.

NASA says smoke from the Australia bush fires will travel around the world. This is unique, as people finally get to see a disaster go on a world tour without having to purchase a ticket that says "Limp Bizkit" on it.

Well, that's part one of 24 of my yearly project to write a monologue joke every single day. I enjoy this exercise, as it takes me back to my roots of being a comedian. I've had this blog for over ten years now, and I feel like some people would be shocked and/or concerned to hear the fact that I still run this SOB. But yes. I've managed to write a joke every day so far this year. It keeps my comedy brain active, and I'm glad it does, as I want to improve on writing and being a better punchline guy. Thanks for tolerating my BS, and I'll see you at the end of the month!

"Chasing His Own Tailpipe"

Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.

In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".

A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.

Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.

Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.

In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.

New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.

Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.

There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.

A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.

The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.

Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.

ALSO

What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.

Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.

Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!