Wednesday, March 31, 2010

My Ten Best Jokes Of All Time!

Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton”

IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".

Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.

President Barack Obama on Tuesday unveiled a $12 billion plan to help community colleges prepare millions of people for a new generation of jobs. I like Obama’s idea — pizzas don’t deliver themselves.

In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President.

A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.

Miley Cyrus was recently a voice trainer on "American Idol". Isn't that kind of like Oprah being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser"?

President Obama and his family went to see the movie “Avatar” in 3-D on New Year’s Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it’s like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.

Laura Bush says that she will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.

The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, says domestic violence is increasing because of United States joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.

"Door To The Afterlife"

Larry King’s audience on CNN has dropped 43%. Seriously, when it comes to Larry King, what hasn't dropped?

Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s compensation in 2009 fell 52%. This is a valuable lesson to all business people: Don't take China out of the picture.

A study says that job stress can cause weight gain in some people. Who knew being host of "The Price Is Right" was the most stressful job in the world?

A new study confirms that consumption of chocolate can help to reduce the risk of heart attacks. That's because your heart will be too fat and lazy to attack you.

Ricky Martin has admitted that he is gay. That's what happens when you live la vida loca.

President Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals this year. Remember how poorly he threw the first pitch at the All-Star game last year? It was bad enough to make him the team's ace.

CEO pay in major corporations dropped 8.6% in 2009. However, unearned bonuses evened the bar.

When actress Lindsay Lohan left a friend’s house in LA Saturday, her shoes were covered in a white powder. Lindsay Lohan with white powder? I'm sure it's not anything illegal...

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets will have a brown bag lunch with the Nets fan who recently wore a bag over his head during a game to protest the team’s terrible season. He had a brown bag lunch most likely because that's all he could afford.

A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. This statement was complete bull, which made him the perfect substitute for Glenn Beck.

Heavy rain storms this week may cause flooding on the east coast and threaten to establish new rainfall records. And yet, the Knicks and Nets can't be farther underwater.

Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife. Even more amazing, Larry King was a founding member.

A study says that binging on high calorie foods can be as addictive as nicotine or cocaine. The only question is whether you want your addiction to make you skinny or fat.

That's it for today! And this week has been amazing! Monday, I met Jay Leno and today Craig Ferguson called me a "little douchebag", but not in a bad way.

Anyway, more jokes tomorrow!

Monday, March 29, 2010

"Arrested In Bakersfield"

A study in New York City tried to find out what smells people like and dislike. I'm pretty sure one of the smells they didn't like was New York City.

America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Strangely enough, three of those customers were Eric Massa, Larry Craig, and Roy Ashburn.

A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. I totally agree. Their infielders made enough money to make Bill Gates cry.

The Washington Wizards say they will bring back Gilbert Arenas next year. Are they also bringing back the name "Washington Bullets"?

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. The employees of Toyota don't think it's fair that the inspection department gets all this time off.

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. "Toyota" and "stop" will likely never be used in the same sentence ever again.

A study says that boys’ bad behavior can be linked to poor parenting. This study was conducted in a place called "The DUHpartment".

A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. George Bush said he would have joined if he knew which company Ronald McDonald worked for.

Ben Curtis says Tiger Woods played well in a practice round but looked nervous. I'm confused? What was he practicing?

A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. The other driver was convicted of assault WITH a battery.

In Nevada, Sarah Palin told thousands of Tea Party activists that they should not “sit down and shut up”. While everybody else is telling Sarah Palin to "sit down and shut up".

The animated film “How To Train Your Dragon” was No. 1 at the box office with receipts of over $43 million. Tiger Woods was surprised when he saw this movie. At first, he thought it was going to be a two-hour Viagra commercial.

A federal survey says we may have a summertime grasshopper infestation in Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska. This survey would be important, you know, if anybody actually lived in any of those states.

NFL linebacker Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest. When asked why he did this, Porter said, "I've always wanted to play for the Cincinnati Bengals".

Well, I know that was a while, but that's all I have for right now. Today, I get to meet Jay Leno! I'm so excited!

Friday, March 26, 2010

"Animals Over Men"

A new survey from an online Harris Poll says that 24% of Republicans think Pres. Obama may be the antichrist. The other 76% think he's the President.

Urologists say that since vasectomies require men to sit for long periods of time to recover, March Madness gives patients a great excuse to watch games. In a related story, President Obama is no longer able to have children.

Utah police say a man accused of stealing two phones from a convenience store was arrested when he flagged down the investigating officer and asked for directions. It wasn't very hard to catch the man since the directions were, "Drive about one mile, take a right, and the jail should be the second building on your left".

Director Ridley Scott's "Robin Hood," starring Russell Crowe in the role of the famed outlaw, will open the Cannes Film Festival on May 12. Wait, if Russell Crowe plays the famed outlaw, who's going to play Robin Hood?

The Washington State Patrol says former "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. Apparently Sanjaya still thinks he's on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here".

The Washington State Patrol says former "American Idol" star Sanjaya Malakar was caught speeding 110 mph on Interstate 405 outside of Seattle at Kirkland. Since he's Sanjaya, police recommended that he keep his Toyota.

Rumors that Octomom Nadya Suleman may do porn have been shot down, and she wants to advertise for PETA because she prefers "Animals over men". And men across the country prefer animals over Nadya.

On June 18, the public can step into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, the much-anticipated new attraction inside Universal Orlando's Islands of Adventure park. It's nothing much really. The only ride includes a broomstick and a zipline.

115 countries around the world will go dark for an hour on March 27th to commemorate Earth Hour. The US, on the other hand, plans to give Twitter updates on how Earth Hour is going for them.

A study says that busy hospitals have lower death rates. That's because a busy hospital means doctors that actually do work.

That's it for now! More later!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Laughlines post - # 27

I loved this joke!

"Teaching While Drunk"

Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki was ejected from Tuesday night’s game with the LA Clippers for complaining. He was mad that he couldn't play an actual professional team.

Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The only similarities I see are that the hosts are women, it will be during the daytime, and they are clinically obese.

Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” This is something that Jersey Shore should have done a long time ago.

A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. It's Southern California; what do you expect?

A French man has been arrested for hacking into the Twitter account of President Barack Obama, French police said on Wednesday. Here's a piece of advice: people become suspicious when the President gives Twitter updates during a speech.

One in 10 Chinese adults already have the disease and another 16 percent are on the verge of developing it, according to a new study. I say China's job of becoming more like the US is complete!

Women who are overweight or obese do not appear to reap the same benefits in terms of weight-gain prevention, researchers say. Well DUH!

Osama bin Laden has warned Al-Qaeda will kill Americans if the mastermind of the 2001 attacks on the United States, Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, is executed, in an audiotape aired Thursday by Al-Jazeera television. So America has decided to kill Mohammed and Osama at the same time.

Arnold Palmer says that Tiger Woods should "open up". I think his legs already have.

A study by Australian psychologists says that men will risk it all for a beautiful woman. In America, we call that "Las Vegas".

A report says that a record number of Americans have been licensed to carry guns. Matter of fact, the standards of the NRA are so low, Gilbert Arenas is a premium member.

A study says that moderate drinking can help the heart. However, binge drinking can cause an unfaithful heart.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. That would have never worked with Hillary Clinton.

The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. This news came from the website:

Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. Heene is furious. It buzzes every time he is within 100 yards of a video camera.

That's it for now! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

"A Full Hour In The Gym"

Worried that the American people still do not support the health care overhaul, Pres. Obama will make his case on the road, starting in Iowa. Or, as George Bush calls it, a coast-to-coast trip.

Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.

New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.

A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".

In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.

Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?

Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".

Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...

Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".

Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?

A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"Nancy Pelosi Was Ecstatic"

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was ecstatic Sunday night as the House passed the health care reform bill. As a matter of fact, she was so ecstatic that she actually changed facial expressions.

Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.

Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.

In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.

Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.

MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.

IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".

A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.

If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.

On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.

President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.

The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.

A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.

According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.

PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.

Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.

Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.

That's it for right now! More tomorrow.

Monday, March 22, 2010

"Live Fish In Barber Shops"

A California woman went into labor unexpectedly and gave birth with the help of her own children. The children called it "Talking poo-poo".

A New York man proposed to his fiancee on a bus to New Jersey. What's next? A McDonalds wedding with the onion ring bearer and the lettuce girl?

Nintendo is aiming to get game consoles into schools across the country as an educational tool. This will give children a good reason to go to school.

A huge sandstorm has turned the sky over Beijing orange. This sandstorm was so bad that most 6-year old workers actually got the day off.

The UNC college men’s basketball team is the most valuable program in the country, worth an estimated $29 Million. Yeah, I'd totally pay $29 million for a basketball team that didn't even make the NCAA Tournament.

The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Well, it beats the heck out of the Big Mouth Bass.

The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Tennessee wants to make sure that people are satisfied if they ever get hungry.

A Yemeni girl has written a book about being forced into marriage at ten years old and getting divorced at eleven. Britney Spears has sued this girl for copyright issues.

Blockbuster Video is hinting at a possible bankruptcy. This bankruptcy claim will affect their loyal customers. All three of them.

Parents of twins or triplets are more likely to get divorced, according to a study. The lone source of the study: Jon and Kate Plus 8.

A study says that video games can hurt a student’s schoolwork. This study is called "Well Duh!"

It was 117 years ago today, on March 22, 1893, that the first collegiate women’s basketball game was played. That was also the day that UConn's winning streak began.

In a TV interview that aired Sunday, golfer Tiger Woods admitted “I have done some very bad things”. Strangely enough, Tiger's mistresses said the exact same thing while he was with them.

In a recently televised interview on ESPN, golfer Tiger Woods says of his return, “It would be nice to hear a couple of claps.” No problem. He already has THE clap.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"Kill The Bill"

Tragically, an airplane making an emergency landing on a beach on South Carolina hit and killed a jogger. You would think that Sully Sullenberger would land in the water like always.

Madonna was recently on “The Marriage Ref”, and she gave advice to married couples in distress. That's like Kirstie Alley teaching nutrition.

A study says that people in power make better liars. Let me put that study into one word: politicians.

A Democratic lawmaker says a protester stood up in the House gallery, yelled "Kill the bill" and was cheered by Republicans. The protester then yelled, "Thank you, my fellow Republicans, and your checks are in the mail".

Scientists say that the news media paints an overly optimistic picture of cancer. I don't think that people talking about how millions die every year from cancer is optimistic.

Among children and teenagers with asthma, those who also have peanut allergies may have more or more-severe asthma attacks, a new study suggests. Especially if they are around peanuts.

The FDA has announced plans to crack down on sales of tobacco to underage users. To which President Obama said, "Yay, more cigarettes for me!".

A Bengal tiger in Mississippi, who would wow spectators with his size and antics at the Buffalo Park and Zoo, has been euthanized after a lengthy illness. Based on what he's known for, he will be forever known as Chad Ochocinco.

Those jokes are all I have for today! Come back tomorrow for more "humor".

Saturday, March 20, 2010

"Exclusive To Porsche Owners"

An investigation has begun at one of Britain's most prestigious private schools after a member of staff was arrested on suspicion of trying to poison the pupils' soup. This poisonous substance is harmful in food yet unknown to Britain. It's called toothpaste.

Porsche's subsidiary, Porsche Design, is marketing a mobile phone that's exclusive to Porsche owners. A car company making a mobile phone? That's like an airline company making bombs.

The nation's largest association of doctors and the AARP senior citizens' lobby are endorsing President Barack Obama's revised health overhaul legislation. This marks the first time in history that John McCain has ever supported President Obama.

Kraft Foods Inc. said Wednesday that it will cut the salt in its products that are sold in North America by an average of 10 percent over the next two years to appeal to health-conscious consumers. This will affect as many as four people.

The 13th seeded Murray State Racers upset the 4th seeded Vanderbilt Commodores, 66-65. Someone should tell Vanderbilt that only one group of Commodores plays "Brick House".

A former porn actress says she may reveal more potentially embarrassing information about Tiger Woods after releasing sexually graphic text messages that she claims prove her affair with the golfer. This would have been put in Tiger's sexual resume, but there's no room.

Jesse James publicly apologized to wife Sandra Bullock and his three children Thursday amid reports of infidelity. In a related story, Tiger Woods has sued Jesse James for plagiarism.

President Barack Obama followed through on his hockey bet with Canada, sending beer to the prime minister. I thought he would have invited the prime minister and Sidney Crosby to the White House to drink it.

The GOP says that President Obama’s health care proposal gives the IRS too much power. Because after all, nothing goes hand in hand like health care and foreclosed houses and cars.

That's it for now. More tomorrow!

Friday, March 19, 2010

"Planning to Reinvent Itself"

Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.

A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".

Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".

A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.

A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.

The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.

An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.

AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.

A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".

Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.

The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?

A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.

In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.

A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.

A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.

Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.

Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.

Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

NYT Laughlines Blog - #24!

This is the 24th time that I've made the Laughlines Blog! I'm getting good at this!

"Taking Up Pigeon Racing"

Today is Saint Patrick's Day. It's a day that Irish people celebrate that includes binge drinking and not going to work. Or, as Conan O' Brien calls it, any other day.

The world’s smallest man at 2’5” has died in Italy at age 21. His body will lie in state in a shoebox.

The FBI is using Facebook to communicate with criminal suspects. They also use Myspace, but those are specifically for the pedophiles.

A study says that for a happier romance, be yourself. This study does not apply to Rush Limbaugh.

The CEO of The Tribune Company has banned broadcasters from using cliches on Chicago-based WGN-AM. The most used cliche on that station: Cubs lose.

A study says that workers are looking for jobs they can stay at for their entire career. Hollywood has even made a movie about this study. It's called Mission: Impossible.

Mike Tyson is taking up pigeon racing for a show on Animal Planet. Consider this a waste of time. That's like Congress taking up bipartisanship.

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. And I thought ten year old girls were crying nonstop before...

Singer/actress Miley Cyrus is planning to take a hiatus from her music career. She made a huge impact on the music industry. She made everyone else sound really good.

A Michigan man says he was fired from his Walmart job for using medical marijuana. This just goes to show: When you work at Walmart, don't steal the manager's belongings.

Detroit will close 44 public schools and a support building in June as the district addresses budget issues. The Big Three automakers have filed a copyright claim.

Ozzie Guillen has created a new style of play he calls "Ozzie Ball" which relies on pitching, defense and running. As in, pitching a quote full of swears, defending what he said, and running away from cops who try to arrest him.

The French military will no longer be issuing rifles to their infantry. I agree with this move. Giving the French rifles is like giving baseball bats to the Washington Nationals.

That's it for today, everyone! Thanks for all your support!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

"Demons Have Invaded Washington"

Former AIG workers may sue the company, saying they were shorted on their bonuses. Apparently these people now work for Citigroup.

Google says they are “99.9% done” in China because of censorship. So in this relationship, Google is the germ and China is the Clorox.

John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter says her pictures in GQ Magazine are “repulsive”. Of course, not as repulsive as John Edwards.

A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.

A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. And still, grandchildren did not notice a difference.

Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. This is because when she said, "You will need to be laid off", she didn't hear the last word.

Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. These "demons" that he speaks of are also called "Republicans".

The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes. This is strange, because I thought that wolverines in Michigan only died during the college football season.

A 600-pound woman in New Jersey says she's okay with being fat and actually is trying to gain another 400 pounds. And when she completes her goal, Kirstie Alley will likely go back to Jenny Craig.

Lady Gaga has sparked fears for her health after she appeared "dazed and dizzy" during a concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday. Apparently, she feels the same way in her dressing room.

Many people are saying that Tiger Woods wants to control everything in his life. Look where that's gotten him...

That's it for today! These jokes (in my opinion) are REALLY good. Send the love and become my follower!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Laughlines Blog!

I'm awesome!

"Working Weekends"

An investigation says that New York City taxi drivers overcharged customers by $8.3 Million over the last two years. Here's my question: Where's Naomi Campbell when we need her the most?

Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.

The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.

Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.

President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.

Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.

Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".

“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".

I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".

TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...

Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".

Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.

Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.

Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.

That's it for now. More tomorrow!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"33,000 Empty Homes"

A late-night confession by Utah's House majority leader about sitting nude in a hot tub with a minor 25 years ago has shocked this conservative state's political establishment. A man in Utah did that with only one person?

Men are more likely than women to be interested in sex, have sex and enjoy sex, according to new scientific research. Wait, this research is new?

Simon Cowell’s engagement apparently came as a surprise to many of his associates. Especially Ryan Seacrest, who was seriously heartbroken.

Orange County, California has filed a lawsuit against Toyota for making unsafe vehicles. So has the entire world.

Detroit has 33,000 empty homes inside the city limits. This is due in large part to a migration known as "Operation What Are We Doing In Detroit".

A study shows why some people are able to quickly get over fighting with a spouse. It's called a divorce.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Saturday she's confident the House will pass health care legislation. She hasn't stopped smiling because of her confidence. And because she's Nancy Pelosi.

According to a study, a student who sees the letter “A” before an exam will do better on a test. In other words, if a student sees the letter A before a test, odds are they are going to see the letter A when they get it back.

Larry King is really starting to get into Twitter. He wonders why something like this wasn't around when he was a child. Of course, it would have helped if paper was invented back then.

A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. This study is being referred to as "The End of the Human Race".

A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. The only people who are unaffected by this statistic are people that work on Wall Street. None of those people even have a heart.

Howard Stern is under heavy criticism for his fat jokes about Gabourey Sidibe. Of course, Howard Stern referred to the criticism as "Gabourey Sidibe Criticism".

A man in Korea recently married his pillow. When asked why, the man said, "I may as well. I mean, I have slept with her every night."

Jets coach Rex Ryan underwent a weight-loss procedure Saturday to help him fight obesity. So I guess the Jets aren't the only "Biggest Losers".

That's it for today, everyone! I hope to have more jokes soon!

Friday, March 12, 2010

"An Odd Twist"

The government reports that highway deaths in 2009 were at the lowest level since 1954. That's because Toyotas killed people before they could get to the highway.

82% of Americans say they want tougher regulations for Wall Street. The other 18% of Americans work on Wall Street.

A study says that women are guilty of feeling too much guilt, while men tend to be more emotionally detached. The study is being entitled: "The Effects of Marriage".

A new method of brain scan can reporptedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Doctors were surprised when the people's thoughts were, "When is this stupid scan going to be over?"

China has become the world's biggest Internet market. Well nowadays, what market aren't they big in?

Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. Costa Rica has now breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Doris Haddock, a woman who walked across America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. At least she died knowing that she got the job done...

Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. This is an odd twist. Usually when Tiger does that stuff it's not with his wife.

A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. The man has been sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles on his dice.

Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. This sounds like a game of Truth or Dare gone horribly wrong.

Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.

A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. The union consists entirely of young female nurses.

Women who took the birth control pill beginning in the late 1960s lived longer than those never on the pill, a new study says. The study also said that the children of the mother who took the pill never lived period.

Obesity plus daily drinking boosts the risk of liver disease in men and women, researchers report in two new studies. In other words, if you are a Buffalo Wild Wings regular, you're screwed.

Authorities in Riverside County, California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6. She is now the richest person in California.

Running back Larry Johnson has signed a three-year deal with the Washington Redskins. This is a terrible idea. If he can make fun of gays, I wouldn't be surprised if Native Americans took a little heat as well.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

"A Hoax Weapon Of Mass Destruction"

The wife of Congressman John Conyers has been sentenced to three years in prison for bribery. To which she said, "If anyone helps me find a way out of jail, I'll give them five thousand bucks".

Kansas City, Missouri is planning on closing nearly half its public schools because of money problems. I'm not sure that one public school closing is all that big of a deal...

A study says that good health is equated to more senior sex. I don't care if they're healthy, I really don't want to see that.

Senator John McCain is abandoning his own bill that would increase regulations over diet supplements. So Obama really should try to improve his cholestorol FAST.

Carlos Slim Helu of Mexico is now the world’s richest man. See, not all Mexicans have minimum wage jobs.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. This isn't that big of a deal. I mean come on, al-Qaida is more popular in Congress.

A poll says that President Obama is more popular than Congress. Apparently strippers and gay people were not allowed to vote.

Unemployment rose in thirty states in January. The other twenty didn't have jobs to start with.

Virginia has become the first state to ban mandatory health insurance. They were also the first US state on the Republican mortal enemy list.

The Obama Administration is considering helping airlines meet the cost of modernizing the air traffic control system. All the Obama Administration needs to do is buy two pillows and a blanket.

A college student in Florida has been charged with making a hoax weapon of mass destruction when he put fake dynamite on the seat of a Toyota. Heh, at this rate, a Toyota by itself is a weapon of mass destruction.

Charlie Sheen is out of rehab. He will likely be able to once again start taping his TV show Two and a Half Men. The twist is, though, that Charlie is the half man.

The Pittsburgh Steelers are offering a new version of the Terrible Towel to female fans. It will be used to dry their husbands' tears when the Steelers choke.

A federal appeals court in San Francisco upheld the use of the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. currency. After all, who else to remove those words from daily life than the city farthest from him...

That's it, everybody! Definitely more tomorrow!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

"Drugged Driving"

College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.

Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.

The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.

South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.

Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.

Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.

Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.

A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.

Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.

That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"The iPhone Is Addicting"

Last week was National Procrastination Week. Isn't it ironic that I'm telling you this now?

Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.

Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.

A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"

Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.

A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.

Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.

The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.

The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.

A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.

About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.

Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.

Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.


That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!

Monday, March 8, 2010

"Destroyed By Fire"

A historic metal forge in Pennsylvania that made ashtrays for the Hinderberg was destroyed by fire. That's like the local fireworks factory being destroyed by random explosions.

Armed robbers stormed a televised poker tournament in Germany and stole the $1.36 Million pot. Police were then baffled when the robbers were caught and they said, "Hit me".

A Washington man suffered minor injuries when the steering wheel came off his 1978 Buick. It's official. I'm traveling by bicycle from now on.

A Japanese Princess has been having problems being bullied at her elementary school. The problem is that she isn't actually a princess, she just dresses like one.

An 11 year old boy in Azerbaijan bought nine homes in Dubai for $44 Million. The sad part: an 11 year old boy from Azerbaijan has more money than the entire United States.

The Knicks missed all 18 three point shots they attempted in an NBA game last week. Strangely enough, that's the best they've played all season.

The football coach at Texas A&M-Commerce, Guy Morris, says he is "proud" of his players who took all the campus newspapers that had an article about drug abuse by the football team. Apparently they needed all those newspapers because all the coffee tables were taken.

Golfer Mark Calcavecchia says Tiger Woods changed his cell phone number five times last year. Calcavecchia also said that Woods had to change his Fave 5 every week.

This is National School Breakfast Week. This makes the other 51 weeks of the year "National Skip Breakfast Week".

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been accused, for the second time in a year of sexual misconduct. I guess he's doing a good job of living up to the name "Steelers".

March 9th is "Get Over It Day". Oh, it's not that bad. Stop whining.

Australia is producing underwear with 27% banana fiber. Don't men already have a banana in their pants?

Well, these are some great jokes (I think), so I hope you enjoyed.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

"A Big Lie"

The American-born spokesman for al-Qaida has been arrested by Pakistani intelligence officers in the southern city of Karachi. In court, he is expected to plead "irony".

A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.

Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.

Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".

Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.

President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.

New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.

My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.

That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

"Bush's Brain"

A study says that life experiences make people more happy than buying things. The study was conducted when researchers listened to the Beatles' "Money Can't Buy Me Love".

Karl Rove says he wasn't "Bush's brain" as many critics have said. That's like critics saying that Karl Rove is "Cheney's heart".

The FBI says that terrorists are using cyber assaults to eat away at data, cash and security. While Americans are eating away at everything else.

A college girlfriend of Tiger Woods says he was a great boyfriend. This was back when banging every chick you can find was okay.

Washington DC will become the first city in the United States to distribute female condoms free, part of a project that will make 500,000 of them available in beauty salons, convenience stores and high schools. Good job Washington. Distribute condoms in the three places where you shouldn't be having sex in the first place.

President Obama has started walking to improve his cholesterol. Unfortunately, McDonald's is within walking distance of the White House.

I know this isn't much, but that's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!

Friday, March 5, 2010

"A Tax On Clothing"

A study says that baseball players are getting fatter, with 55% of major leaguers at least borderline overweight. This was discovered when people realized that baseball barely involves any physical activity.

The Center for Disease Control says that home births are on the rise. Does this mean that being born at home is a disease?

A study says that obesity and depression are interrelated. That's because tons of people are depressed about being fat.

A candidate for Governor of Minnesota is calling for a tax on clothing. Considering how cold it is in Minnesota, this person will get all of zero votes.

American Airlines flight attendants are threatening to go on strike. They are ticked off because the pilots are hogging all the alcohol.

China says it expects its economy to grow 8% this year. Now, China will have enough money to invest in more lead.

The American Cancer Society says some of the traditional tests for prostate cancer may not be necessary. I guess somebody just realized what a prostate exam consists of.

Appearing on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Brett Favre said he was not certain he’d be back next season. This is the world's greatest example of history repeating itself.

Olympic gold medalist Lindsay Vonn will soon appear on boxes of Wheaties. Wheaties - the Breakfast of Champions (of Wipeout).

Police said a cook put a body hair in the bagel sandwich of a police officer who had given him tickets in the past. This is actually a valuable lesson to us all. Never get any ideas from Family Guy.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

"A Reality Show For Alaska"

The FAA is investigating an air traffic controller who brought his two children in to work and let them transmit directions to pilots. A pilot would only do that if he was really drunk, and we know that would never happen.

Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.

McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".

Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".

Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"

A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.

Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.

New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.

The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.

Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?

More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.

A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.

That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

"Google, Kansas"

Starbucks is trying out a 31 ounce iced drink it is selling for $2.60. They are calling it "water".

Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.

A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.

Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.

The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.

The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.

NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".

President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.

A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?

Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".

The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.

Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"The Mark McGwire Highway"

Fox is leading all other networks with indecency complaints to the FCC. Sadly, it only took Family Guy to put them at the top.

The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.

The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.

A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.

The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?

Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.

Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.

80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?

More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.

Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.

The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.

People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.

New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.

Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.

General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.

That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!

Monday, March 1, 2010

"Chocolate Covered Bacon"

George W. Bush says that faith helped him through the tough times in his presidency. Unfortunately, not even a prayer could increase his approval rating.

A study says that parents are choosing less common names for their children. The study is entitled, "Think of one other person named Bronx-Mowgli".

Rickey Henderson has been hired to teach the Oakland A's baseball team how to steal bases. I think they need to hire someone to teach them how to get on base.

Nike says it will continue to support Tiger Woods. I mean who better to support a company whose slogan is "Just Do It" than Tiger Woods?

According to an article in USA Today, Florida is the deadliest state for walkers and cyclists. That article is based on the fact that the people walking and cycling are in retirement.

Marie Osmond's 18 year old son has committed suicide. This came about when the boy realized that he was an Osmond.

According to sources close to Phil Jackson, LeBron James has expressed interest in joining the Los Angeles Lakers. LeBron should realize that if he joins a team like the Lakers, he can't score all the points. That's Kobe's job.

The NHL is considering keeping their players out of the Olympics in 2014. I guess that means no team Canada.

A minor league baseball stadium in Michigan is selling chocolate-covered bacon and foot long hotdogs served in Twinkies. Apparently their goal is for fans to die as soon as possible.

That's it for today. Definitely more tomorrow!