Saturday, April 21, 2012

"Too Sexy"

Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.

Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".

A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.

A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.

A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.

A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.

An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.

The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.

Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

"Colorado Rockies Tickets"

Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of the late Kurt Cobain, says that her mother, Courtney Love, should be banned from Twitter. Screw that. Courtney Love should be banned from Walgreens.

Kate Winslet says that Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten fatter since Titanic. Well if I had to look at her disgusting face, I'd need some comfort food, too.

President Obama wants a "rigorous" Secret Service probe after the sex scandal in Columbia. Seriously? There's been enough probing going on there...

A 14-year old kid, who is set to graduate from UCLA very soon, insists he's not a genius. Yeah, and I'm not THAT bad at picking up women.

Ashley Judd is upset about the media's comments regarding her puffy appearance. She called the comments "nasty", "mysogynistic", and "100% right".

Kenyans won both the men and women’s divisions of the Boston Marathon. Are either of the winners ridiculously photogenic? No? Then fuck 'em.

University of Kentucky center Eloy Vargas took a high school senior to her prom after she asked him. If I ever meet Kate Upton, I'm gonna try this.

A middle school cross country runner was on a jog, where she found $1,500 in Colorado Rockies tickets. When asked where the tickets came from, he said, "Oh, they just came out of thin air."

Despite rumors, Khloe Kardashian is not pregnant. Well of course. Men can't get pregnant.

Kim Kardashian says she wants to run for mayor of Glendale, California. It's the first time she's wanted a job in her entire life.

That's all I have for today! Remember, on Friday is Cover the Night, where we go after Joseph Kony, aka the second most hated man on Earth...

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

"Fashion Faceoff"

Ron Paul says he is “trying to save the Republican Party”. From what? Youth?

A Texas hospital says it will not hire overweight people with a BMI of more than 35. So we know where I'm not gonna work.

A study proves that “beer goggles” actually exist, and that drinking alcohol can make people look more desirable. Now I have an excuse to buy beer.

Amanda Bynes was recently arrested for DUI. She was so drunk, she thought she saw real dancing lobsters.

Heidi Klum has filed for divorce from Seal, citing "irreconcilable differences". Like the fact that Heidi Klum's face is good looking.

I just read an article called "Mila Kunis vs. Kate Upton Fashion Faceoff". Goddamnit, now my computer is all sticky.

NASA has recently discovered the quietest room on Earth. It's a comedy club after I tell a joke.

A report says that a British sperm clinic founder may have fathered as many as 600 children. And here, I thought the dudes on the Maury Povich show were out of control.

Anchorage, Alaska has broken a 57 year old snow total record for the year with 133.6 inches. Also known as Adele's waistline.

A report says that Americans’ favorite chocolate to eat is Snickers. Americans' least favorite chocolate to eat: Oprah Winfrey.

Baseball announcer Tim McCarver says that social networking is “disturbing”. Well Mr. McCarver, get off my Twitter and Facebook pages.

Chris Daughtry has been sued by former bandmates. If I was forced to listen to Daughtry's music every fucking night, I think I'd deserve a reward.

An ex-teacher in Modesto has been arrested for sexual abuse of one of his students. Can we rename that city Molesto?

George Zimmerman has launched a website to help pay for his legal expenses. He has received countless donations - from white people.

That's all I have for right now! More later!