Saturday, December 31, 2011

"Knighted In England"

Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.

China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.

The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.

Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is strange, because I have that nickname for all the GOP candidates.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. I can't believe anyone would want to marry that annoying woman. And Katy Perry isn't that great, either.

Kelly Clarkson reportedly lost Twitter followers after she endorsed Ron Paul for President. I would've thought it was because of her music.

The designer behind Apple's products was knighted in England. I didn't know you could knight a casket.

And that's all I have for 2011! Let me sum up 2011 with one tweet:
2011 disappeared faster than Osama bin Laden, Moammar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il combined.

It's been a crazy as hell year. Let's hope 2012 is much better than 2011!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

"1 Trillion Playbacks"

Mike Huckabee says that Mitt Romney will win the Iowa primary if the weather is nice on January 3rd. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God is preparing the world's largest thunderstorm.

Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate.

Robert De Niro has become a father at age 68. You can tell it was De Niro's kid because it already made a shitty movie with Ben Stiller.

A survey says that religious Americans are just as likely to incorporate technology into their lives as others. Are we forgetting that Amish is a religion?

A Vietnam store has made a Christmas tree completely out of cellphones. Well to be fair, they were cell phones from the 80s, so it only took six phones.

Justin Bieber surprised a friend with a brand new car for Christmas. The real surprise here is that Justin Bieber has friends.

Youtube says it has had more than 1 Trillion playbacks in 2011. Thanks a lot, Rebecca.

That's all I have for right now! My next post will be coming on New Year's Eve! I hope everybody had a great Christmas!

Saturday, December 10, 2011

"Sex With Animals"

McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.

A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.

Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.

An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.

A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.

“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.

Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.

Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

"A Purse Thief"

A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."

A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.

Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Colts game.

A woman’s face caught fire while she was undergoing surgery in Florida. She will have to go through life with a busted face. You know, like Gary Busey.

Several grenades were found in a bag at the Newark Airport. When the people who found the bags realized they were in Newark, they pulled the grenades but didn't throw them.

A Nigerian e-mail scam is using Hillary Clinton’s name. To make it more convincing, every subject line reads "RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you Bill."

Shoppers in California were pepper sprayed by a purse thief in a department store. Hey lady, black friday is over.

Proposed federal guidelines say that anyone having sex with two or more partners in a year would be a risk for organ donation. This is great news for people getting my organs.

Ann Coulter recently called John McCain a "douchebag". Who is still letting this bitch talk?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

"Rod And Reel"

The NBA lockout is over. Oh crap, what's SportsCenter going to talk about now?

There is a story of a sixth grader who develops iPhone apps. I hope he develops one that can get him a girlfriend.

A 13 year old boy in my hometown of Cincinnati was accused of raping a 5 year old girl in a McDonald's playplace. The boy was taken into custody, where he was later raped by Jerry Sandusky.

Mila Kunis attended the North Carolina Marine Corps Ball with a soldier in the Marine Corps. That soldier is one lucky bastard.

The DMV is Washington, D.C. is offering free HIV tests. San Francisco, take note.

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has banned all executions in the state. Oregon: that third thing Rick Perry wanted to get rid of.

A survey says the most popular passwords in 2011 are “password” and “12345”. Of course, on websites where numbers and letters are both required in passwords, the most popular password was "password12345".

A man in Massachusetts caught an 881-pound tuna, only to have it taken away by authorities because he didn't catch it with a rod and reel. Sounds fishy to me.

Michele Bachmann has accused CBS News of being biased. And FOX News isn't?

A memory expert is offering memorization tips to Rick Perry. It's quite simple, really. It's called "pen and paper".

A Russian TV anchor has been fired for giving President Obama the finger during a live newscast. He was then immediately hired at FOX News.

That's all I have for today! Follow me on Twitter @GroperCleveland for one liners and more stupid stuffs like that. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Monday, November 21, 2011

"Fix-A-Flat"

A researcher says that right handed people are less likely to like less familiar types of music like bluegrass and reggae. I completely disagree. Now if you'll excuse me, I just bought this Three Days Grace album, and I'm dying to listen to it.

Bradley Cooper has been chosen as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I was second to last, right next to Michael Moore's belly button.

A congressional committee says the TSA is bloated, needs to slash its workforce and make public its performance results. You know, like Penn State should be.

Italy’s new Prime Minister Mario Monti has formed a government with no politicians. And considering Italy's last prime minister, hopefully no underage interns.

EU officials are being criticized for banning the claim that water prevents dehydration. Isn't that what the Gatorade commercials do?

A Florida man was arrested after giving a woman a butt injection with “Fix-A-Flat”. A butt injection; is THAT what they're calling it nowadays?

A Los Angeles psychologist is still working, even though she is 102. I'm just thankful she isn't a gynecologist.

Scientists say North Pole dinosaurs led tough lives and had trouble reaching their 20th birthdays. Nowadays, people who lead tough lives and have trouble reaching their 20th birthdays are known as "gay teens".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"Better Dancers"

JWOWW of “Jersey Shore” was patted down by TSA agents at an airport in Fargo, North Dakota. Not surprisingly, the patdown lasted over nine hours.

Parents are sending away for lollipops that have been licked by a child who has the chicken pox so their own children can get the disease. I miss the old days when young parents would just kill their kids.

Newt Gingrich has risen to the top in the polls of potential GOP presidential nominees. Congratulations, Barack.

A survey says that 12% of employees worldwide are optimistic. The other 88% have a boss.

A study says that nice guys make better dancers. You know what this means? White people are the meanest people on Earth.

A study says that male spiders that offer their mates useless gifts get turned down for sex. And by "spiders", I mean "people".

A study says that cleaning teeth can cut the risk of heart attack. Sorry about your luck, England.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

"Medical Bills"

Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.

The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.

A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.

Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.

A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.

The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.

Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?

A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".

Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Monday, November 7, 2011

"Only Two Friends"

Andy Rooney has died at age 92 from complications following surgery. I'm shocked. He had his whole life ahead of him.

John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?

Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.

An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL receiver Terrell Owens. It's nice to know somebody wants him.

A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Oklahoma. In fact, the only shakier thing in that state was the Oklahoma State defense last Saturday.

A study says that a supersized soft drink can actually be a status symbol for people. Unfortunately, that symbol is called "fat".

Reese Witherspoon is giving up her $3,280 python handbag. I haven't seen a bag worth that much money since, I guess, Reese Witherspoon.

A study says that most Americans have only two friends. Thanks a lot, technology.

Some Oregon kids who were robbed of their Halloween candy received several pounds of candy donations over Craigslist. Talk about encouraging obesity.

Anonymous hackers have pledged to destroy Facebook. Anything but my farm! Anything!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

"Banana Republic"

An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.

A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.

A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.

A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".

Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.

Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, October 31, 2011

"Nokia Lunia"

Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.

A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.

An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.

The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.

A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.

Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.

Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, October 28, 2011

"Large Quantities"

A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.

A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.

The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.

The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.

Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.

A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"GPS Shoes"

President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?

Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.

Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.

A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".

Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.

Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?

GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.

A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, October 24, 2011

"Funnier Than Women"

Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."

A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.

Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.

Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.

Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.

The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?

A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)

The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.

Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.

A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, October 21, 2011

"The Luckiest Town"

Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.

San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.

The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.

Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.

A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!

A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.

San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.

A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.

A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.

Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"Fecal Matter"

Michelle Obama says the President is not a fan of the Kardashian’s TV shows. Well at least something good can be said about an Obama.

The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.

A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.

Actress Reese Witherspoon says on Saturdays she gets her nails done and makes out with good friend Jennifer Aniston. In other news, the population in Hollywood has increased by 950%.

The driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. I miss the old days where ice cream truck drivers were pedophiles, not drug dealers.

President Obama accused Republicans of wanting dirtier air, dirtier water and fewer people with health insurance. And by "Republicans", he means Chris Christie.

An 11 year old boy has enrolled at the University of Minnesota. Me and him are the only two people in the world who are guaranteed never to get laid in college.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five phones don't have the vibrate feature.

A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five were never smuggled into prison.

A report says knee injuries are on the rise in young people. That report is called "My medical history".

That's all I have for today. Goodbye Carson Palmer, and good riddance. Anyway, more coming soon!

Friday, October 14, 2011

"Portable Toilets"

An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.

A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.

Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.

Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.

Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.

A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.

Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?

There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

"Running A Marathon"

Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.

A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?

The NBA has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season. This is the worst thing to happen to black people since the death of Biggie.

Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".

Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.

A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!

LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.

Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."

Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.

An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

"Aggravated Child Abuse"

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.

Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.

The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.

The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.

A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...

A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.

A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?

A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

"Older Dads"

Steve Jobs has died at the age of 56. His headstone is the first to come with a crappy camera.

The IRS has hit an Oakland medical marijuana dispensary with a $2.4 Million tax bill. A marijuana dispensary with that big of a debt? It has to be run by Willie Nelson.

Sesame Street has introduced Lily, an impoverished Muppet who suffers from hunger. I guess the Cookie Monster has to learn about sharing.

A study says that embarrassing moments make people more likable. Then why is President Bush's approval rating so low?

Guinness says the new rage in China is breaking world records. Like the world's shittiest drivers.

The Post Office plan for recovery involves delivering more junk mail. Nigerian princes are already writing their fake letters.

Tiger Woods has signed his first endorsement in two years, with Rolex. Really? I would've guessed Trojan.

A study says that football players who cry after a game have higher self esteem than those who don’t. I didn't know it helped your self-esteem to have people who see you cry call you a pussy.

A study says that older dads have a higher chance of having less intelligent children. "That's a straight up lie," said Snooki's 104-year old dad.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

"A Single Strand Of Hair"

Madonna is set to perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. A sign she's going to be awful: she's older than the Super Bowl.

British scientists have created the world’s smallest periodic table on a single strand of hair. And yet, still no dentists.

Three Ohio State football players were suspended for being overpaid on their summer jobs. I thought being an Ohio State football player WAS their paying job.

A “fat tax” has gone into effect in Denmark that charges for the amount of fat in a product. This would make me the most expensive product on the planet.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is asking for donations to help create jobs. You know your company is doing bad when you overcharge for a small cup of coffee, people constantly buy it, and you STILL need donations.

Casey Anthony has told authorities that she's unemployed. Honestly though, who the hell would hire her?

Chris Christie says that he's not running for president. I'm not surprised. After all, it involves running.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Friday, September 30, 2011

"Toast Of The Country"

A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.

FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.

A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.

Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".

(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"An Elk Hunter"

A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. He went to the hospital, and while there, he was reminded by doctors that this is not the 14th century.

A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".

A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.

Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.

A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.

A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.

That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

"Asthma Inhalers"

The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?

Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.

Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)

Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.

Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.

A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

"Straw Poll"

The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!

A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?

Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.

Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.

A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!

Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.

Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.

Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.

Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.

A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.

That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

"Nude Photos"

President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.

The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?

SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.

Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.

Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.

Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.

Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.

Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".

A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.

That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"Suspicious Packages"

Nearly 1 in 6 Americans lives in poverty. The other five don't invest in stocks.

Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.

New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...

A study says that night owls are more likely to have nightmares. How can you have a nightmare if you sleep during the day?

A Youtube video features a man who performs 34 “Star Wars” voice impressions. And guess what ladies, he's single!

Iran has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. I'm guessing Ahmadinejad tuned in to Jersey Shore.

Former White House party crasher Michaele Salahi was reported to be kidnapped, but it turns out she ran off with the guitarist from Journey. As to where she ran off, check all the parties she wasn't invited to.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, September 12, 2011

"A Young Dad"

One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".

A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.

Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.

AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.

Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.

Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.

Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.

Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.

Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

"Mistakenly Tweeted"

A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."

Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.

Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.

The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".

CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.

Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...

That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

"Schweddy Balls"

The CDC reports that fewer Americans are smoking cigarettes. Have they been to my family reunion?

People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.

Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader included having to take a football IQ test. If it's an IQ test, any cheerleader is screwed.

Ben and Jerry's has introduced their new ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls", based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Schweddy Balls, or as Coldstone calls it, vanilla.

Yahoo fired its CEO, Carol Bartz. You don't know who Carol Bartz is? Good, me neither.

The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers, this concert would have importance.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

"Joined Foursquare"

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turns 49 on Tuesday. Don't expect the cake to last very long.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" says her weight loss secret is drinking vodka. Wait, what weight loss?

Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Literally.

An Australian airline offered discounts to passengers after a man died on an 11-hour flight. I'm not very keen on their new slogan: "We hope you like ghosts".

Honda has recalled 962,000 cars due to defects with power windows, saying there is a possibility of melting them and catching fire. Also, members of the Tea Party were given a free Honda.

President Obama has joined Foursquare. If you don't know what Foursquare is, good. Neither do I.

There is a famine in Somalia. Maybe those Somalian pirates could go fishing sometime soon.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I'm not posting very often. I'm either busy on Facebook (yeah, busy), or posting to my Twitter account (@GroperCleveland - follow me). I'll try to get better. Anyway, more coming soon!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

"Sexual Prime"

An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. Oh, he's going to make a lot of friends in prison.

George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".

A human foot washed ashore on a beach in Vancouver, B.C., the eleventh one since 2007. It looks like Rex Ryan is going to have a very merry Christmas this year.

44-year old singer Sinead O'Connor says she is "in her sexual prime". I believe she spelled "past" wrong.

Oscar de la Hoya revealed that he used to be a crossdresser. Forget boxing. He should be the ring girl.

Katt Williams apologized for a racist rant against a Mexican heckler. That's right, she should be sorry.

That's all I have for today! Gotta go participate in a Demi Lovato twitter meme. She cuts herself! I would too if I were Demi Lovato. Well anyway, more tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"Enthusiasm Week"

Thursday, Sept. 1, is the start of International Enthusiasm Week. So what?

Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.

Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.

In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’t think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U.S. President Bush's reputation, maybe...

14 of the 33 trapped Chilean miners were given early retirement. Didn't they technically already have a 69-day retirement?

A physicist says he has devised a plan to cut boarding time on planes by half. It's called "being white".

An Arizona ski resort is planning to make snow from recycled sewage plant water. And you thought your frontyard had a lot of yellow snow.

A new tropical storm is arising, and it is named "Katia". Katia, as in, "We are running out of ideas".

Michael Vick signed a massive eight year contract worth $100 million. Remember the last time Michael Vick had a lot of money?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

"Bad Mothering"

Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.

Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.

Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.

Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".

Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.

A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?

Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.

That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Monday, August 29, 2011

"Reportedly Pregnant"

Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.

Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.

Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.

Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.

Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.

Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.

Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?

Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.

At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.

That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.

Friday, August 26, 2011

"Snakes In His Pants"

Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.

Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.

Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".

A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.

One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.

Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.

A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.

The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.

Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.

Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.

The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".

A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.

That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

"Resigned As CEO"

Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.

A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.

Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.

Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.

Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!

Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.

A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.

NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, August 22, 2011

"Alligator Fat"

A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.

A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.

Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.

A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?

Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.

A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.

A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".

Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?

A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.

A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, August 19, 2011

"The Most Debt"

An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."

Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.

Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.

The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.

Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.

A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.

Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".

A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.

French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

"The Most Hated Person"

9 Million people watched the season premiere of "Jersey Shore". My sympathies go out to them.

Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.

Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says something about our border patrol, doesn't it?

A study says that genes play a big role in a person’s intelligence. This means that Bush Sr. was pretty stupid.

An Arizona man accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend’s small pink handgun. Let's see the cast of Jackass do that.

When playing basketball in England, Ron Artest will have World Peace on his jersey; it’s his new last name. You're asking for peace there? In England, you're more likely to find a dentist.

Sarah Palin's tour bus is in Iowa. As in, "Thanks to President Obama, Iowa lotta money to China".

Lopez Tonight is getting cancelled. What a shocker. Another Mexican out of work.

A poll says that the most hated person in America is Casey Anthony. I placed in between Michele Bachmann and the Sham-Wow guy.

Al Gore went on a rant about global warming skeptics. You could say he turned into a "hothead".

Sorry I couldn't post in a few days. Lightning struck my house and I was without internet since Monday. Don't worry, everybody's ok. Anyway, more coming soon!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

"Descended From King Tut"

A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.

Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.

A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.

A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.

Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.

The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.

A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.

A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.

A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.

A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

"McDonald's Wipeouts"

An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".

Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.

Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?

Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.

Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.

A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.

A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.

A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?

“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.

All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.

A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.

That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Friday, July 29, 2011

"Gaining Weight"

In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.

Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.

A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?

Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.

A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.

New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.

Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.

Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancé Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.

The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.

A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, July 25, 2011

"Ecstasy And Cocaine"

The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?

Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.

A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.

Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?

A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.

A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.

A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.

I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.

Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

"Spousal Support"

Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.

An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)

A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".

Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.

34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.

Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".

A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.

Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.

The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon - 2nd time



He loves my screen name!

"Paradise Lost"

“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.

The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.

Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".

Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.

Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.

Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.

A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...

A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.

Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"Briefly Interrupted Play"

New Mexico is using Billy The Kid as a tourist draw because he was shot there. They used a murder to attract people? It's like America's version of Abbottabad.

The San Francisco Giants will visit President Obama at the White House. Of course, "Giants" is the nickname of President Obama's ears.

LA Laker forward Lamar Odom was in an automobile accident in New York. He was so disoriented that he was sexually attracted to Khloe Kardashian.

A man wearing a wedding dress ran onto the field during a Braves game in Atlanta and briefly interrupted play. I knew he was in Atlanta because he threw a bouquet in the air and nobody caught it.

A report says that British troops that were serving in Afghanistan were “unacceptably weak”. Like their toothpaste.

A study says that educators who mentor young doctors miss opportunities to teach them about medical ethics. Mainly because the educators are too busy sleeping with the young doctors.

A poll says that “Jersey Shore” does not hurt the image of New Jersey. When Jersey Shore doesn't negatively affect your reputation, it's time to make some changes.

Scientists say that Neanderthals bred with early humans and that some people could still have their DNA. Apparently scientists are huge fans of Larry King.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, July 18, 2011

"Dog Meat Soup"

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.

Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.

(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.

Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.

U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.

Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.

Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.

North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?

Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".

Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, July 15, 2011

"Double Leg Transplant"

The Labor Department says that one in five recent college graduates is out of work. The other four don't have a liberal arts degree.

The first double leg transplant was done in Spain. I would like to congratulate the patient, Stump.

Elizabeth Smart is joining ABC News as a missing persons contributor. Unfortunately, she didn't show up to work on her first day.

A British company has started an online for pay site to cure porn addicts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a porn website. It just features naked pictures of Khloe Kardashian.

A Rihanna concert in Dallas ended earlier as a fire started at the arena. Actually, someone saw Rihanna's hair and assumed as such.

David Letterman's studio was vandalized. Not only that, but it was polluted by shitty jokes.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

"A Jail Visit"

A Phoenix suburb is experimenting with using dog poop as a power source. Of course, they're going to get it from the number one place that it exists: the bottoms of people's shoes.

LeBron James' popularity is at an all time low. To give you an idea of how low it is, even President Obama is laughing at him.

"Celebrity Rehab" star Kari Ann Peniche says she is pregnant and divorcing, with her husband claiming the child isn't his. This has "Maury Povich" written all over it.

Casey Anthony refused a jail visit from her mother. When Casey Anthony doesn't like you as a mother, you're probably doing something wrong.

Research says that people with wide faces are more likely to cheat and lie. And after years of watching Family Guy, they are more likely to want to achieve world domination.

The bikini has turned 65 years old. Hopefully the first one purchased isn't still in use by the same person.

A study says that schools that give report cards about kids' weight made no difference in the problem. In fact, the overweight boys have D's. Oh, and their report cards aren't so hot, either.

Albertson's grocery stores are doing away with their self checkout lines. This would be a bigger news story if they had more than four customers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

"Acting Skills"

Casey Anthony will be released from prison on July 13. She is being released on accounts of previous time served, good behavior, and huge tits.

ABC Television says its soap opera “All My Children” may continue its storyline on the Internet. Considering the title, I hope Casey Anthony isn't scheduled for a cameo.

The U.N. says that going green will cost the world $76 Trillion over the next 40 years. And that's just in TV advertisements.

Photos of a Sinead O’Connor comeback concert have been released. Soon after that, she went on SNL and ripped them in half.

“Harry Potter” series star Tom Felton admits none of the cast were chosen for their acting skills. I think we figured that out after the second movie.

A juror in the Casey Anthony case says the jury was sick to their stomach with the verdict. And by "jury", they mean "world".

Experts say that Casey Anthony has become comfortable with lying. Mainly because it worked for her.

That's all I have for today! Sorry about all the Casey Anthony jokes. There's just a lot of material available in regards to that lying whore. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Monologue Jokes Special: Casey Anthony NOT GUILTY

A lot of jokes have been posted about Casey Anthony. I have found some on Twitter and posted some of my favorites.


God must not like defenseless little girls. - @RitleySammich

It may not be a popular opinion right now, but I still think it's wrong to kill babies. - @robdelaney

"OMG, SAMESIES!" - O.J. Simpson's congratulatory call to Casey Anthony - @shiraselko

Right now, Casey Anthony is giving Jose Baez an awesome lap dance. - @JerryPerisho

Pretty fucking sure this isn't what Francis Scott Key meant by "land of the free". - @MrBrownEye2

There are two kinds of people in the world: People that believe Casey Anthony was guilty, and the jurors. - @GroperCleveland

Vick kills dogs= Prison. Plaxico shoots himself= Prison. Pretty white girl kills her daughter= Book deal, Reality TV show, Playboy shoot - @DumbNOTDeaf

I hate having sex with Casey Anthony, she gets off too easy. - @thisjason


I hope you enjoy these as much as I did!

Monday, July 4, 2011

"Grunt Control"

Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".

The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.

A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.

A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?

Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.

The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

"Environmental Literacy"

General Mills reported that its 4th quarter profits rose 51%. In other words, General Mills is a polar opposite of LeBron James.

June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".

Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?

Turtles crossing a runway at JFK International Airport in New York caused flight delays. Have you ever been on the runway at an airport? The airplanes ARE the turtles.

A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. I blame the man for taking advice from Jerry Seinfeld.

Maryland schools are adding environmental literacy to their graduation requirements. Environmental literacy; isn't that called "science class"?

Norma Lyon, the butter sculptor for Iowa State Fair, has died at age 81. She will be buried on the shelf of her refrigerator.

Chicago has adopted a new tourism slogan, “Second to none”. I think "Second to last" sounds more appropriate.

That's all I have for today! Well, this was my 400th post! Yay me! And personally, I think this was a good bunch of jokes for an anniversary post like this. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Monday, June 27, 2011

"Legalized In New York"

Gay marriage has been legalized in New York. Finally, some good news for A-Rod and Jeter.

Two Kansas golfers scored back to back holes in one on the same hole. Do you know what perverts call this? A threesome.

Lady Gaga is urging tourists to visit Japan despite the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. At least Japan is less of a disaster than her music.

Saab is out of money to pay their worker's wages. Don't worry, it's just a Saab story.

Scientists say they are close to developing an artificial pancreas. An artificial pancreas? I thought hips don't lie.

Priests are being encouraged to interact with people online. They already do. It's called chatroulette.com.

Ted Turner says that climate change is the most serious problem that humanity has ever faced. Then he saw the Cincinnati Bengals practice and he said, "Okay, scratch that".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

"Sexual Sin"

Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.

Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.

A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.

A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!

Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".

France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?

An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.

Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.

The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, June 24, 2011

"A Wailing Baby"

Winds of up to 100-mph were clocked in the Chicago area on Tuesday. Now what do they call Chicago again?

George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.

President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.

The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.

Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.

A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.

Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".

Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.

Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.

Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

"A Schizophrenia Medication"

Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race. John Huntsman? Say no more...

Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.

A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate exams there, but they don't use their hands.

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake star in the new film “Bad Teacher”. I know a few people in my life that would be perfect for the role.

A study says that hammocks help people fall asleep faster and sleep better. Unless you're really fat.

The world's oldest woman has died in Brazil, just weeks shy of her 115th birthday. The family had already prepared for her birthday. They spent $20 on the cake, and $8,000 on the candles.

Country music legend Glen Campbell has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. You'll hear about it in his remixed song, "By The Time I Get To Phoenix, I'll Have Forgotten Why I Went There In The First Place".

Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour because she was called for jury duty. I'm not even sure that the result of chance would tolerate that.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

"A Referee's Error"

In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.

Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.

Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.

A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".

Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.

The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.

The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.

A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.

A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.

A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, June 20, 2011

"Too Drunk To Sing"

An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".

A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.

A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.

Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.

A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.

Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.

One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?

Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

"Close Relationships"

A study says that Facebook users are big on trust and close relationships. Because when I think of Facebook, two words that come to mind are "trust" and "relationships".

New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".

A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.

A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?

A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.

A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.

IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".

A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.

Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, June 17, 2011

"Officially Resigned"

Anthony Weiner has officially resigned. God, I wonder what he's going to do with all his free time.

A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.

Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?

According to a new study, fathers are now spending twice as much time with their kids as the did in the past. Apparently this study did not include black men.

Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.

Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"Better Than Anyone Else"

The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.

HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.

A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.

Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.

A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.

The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.

The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.

LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Using The F-Word"

Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.

Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.

President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.

A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.

A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.

A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, June 13, 2011

"A Round Of Golf"

Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".

June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.

Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.

Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.

Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.

Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.

Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".

A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.

The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.

3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.

Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

"Rent-A-Grandma"

USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.

The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.

There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.

Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?

A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?

Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

"Foreskin Man"

Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that the underwear photo that appeared on his Twitter account was his. With a name like Weiner, what do you expect?

Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".

Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.

There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.

There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.

Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.

A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.

A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Chosen By Their Fans"

Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. In other words, she won't be going to her house for awhile.

The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?

A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently the shit missed the toilet, and hit the fan.

Researchers say allergy medicine could be making people fat. These researchers obviously know that I have a prescription for Zyrtec.

The Kardashian sisters are working on a novel, with the name getting to be chosen by their fans. The leading candidate: Crayons Sold Separately.

A new drug that treats premature ejaculation is showing promise in testing. Unfortunately, they weren't supposed to tell us that for another two weeks.

A study says that kids with bad asthma are more likely to have food allergies than kids who don't. For example, most kids with asthma have a severe allergy to vegetables.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” lost her license when she hit a police car in Italy. That's a change. Snooki ramming someone else?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently rode in a helicopter to his son's baseball game. Man, that must be one exhausted helicopter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

"The Fire In My Belly"

A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".

Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.

A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".

A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".

Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.

A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".

Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"

The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.

That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"His Rapture Prediction"

In the California prison system, there are reports of 54 people sharing a single toilet. At the same time.

Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.

60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged doping among his fellow cyclists. God, talk about encouraging a stereotype.

A Canadian couple is keeping their baby’s gender a secret. I haven't heard about a Canadian baby with an unknown gender since Justin Bieber.

A study says that the way people make their vowel sounds can reveal their sexual orientation. I thought it was the way they pronounced their S's.

Health experts say that vuvuzelas may spread diseases. Like contagious ear ringing.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 23, 2011

"Allergic To Electricity"

Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".

A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.

Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.

The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?

Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.

The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

"Mentally Incapable"

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.

Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.

Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.

A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.

A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.

Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 16, 2011

"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"

Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.

NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).

Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.

The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.

Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.

A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?

Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

"50 Pound Breast Implants"

A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.

A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.

In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?

Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.

Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.

STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"Viagra Condom"

President Obama said the SEAL’s raid of the bin Laden compound was “the longest 40 minutes of my life.” And he hasn't even been to my standup shows.

A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.

Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay free at her next visit.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. doesn’t see China’s economic growth as a threat. She clearly hasn't been to a Walmart recently.

A study says that 4 in 10 women over the age of 85 are showing signs of early dementia. The other 6 already have full blown dementia.

Apple is now the world’s most valuable company, worth an estimated $153 Billion. What do you expect from a company whose CEO's last name is "Jobs"?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, May 9, 2011

"Water And Trail Mix"

South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.

Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".

Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.

Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.

Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".

Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.

A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!