A man in Boston plotted to cook and eat children. And somehow, he's only the second most notorious Bostonian this year.
Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball in her new music video. This is the first time ever that a wrecking ball has gotten herpes.
Rush Limbaugh is writing a children's book. It's going to be called "How the Grinch Stole Your Tax Dollars To Help The Got Dang Queers".
An Afghan woman is wanted for stealing $1.1 Million from a bank she worked at. The real story here is that a woman in Afghanistan has a job.
Ariel Castro committed suicide in his prison cell. He did this after realizing that he's a dude named Ariel.
A study says there is a link between losing sports teams and overweight fans. To put that study in perspective, I root for the Bengals.
Louie Anderson recently did his first 3 meter dive into a pool. The moment was frightening for Louie, but even more frightening for the pool.
The NFL wants to ban large purses for women going to games, which means the only people who will bring purses to games play for the Browns.
A company has developed a cup that detects date rape drugs. "This is a major breakthrough," said Dave Lynch, CEO of Buzzkill Inc.
A new obesity map shows where the fattest Americans are. Which explains why today I was hit on the head by a giant red pin.
That's all for right now! Well, I'm 21 now, which means imma get drunk as fuck loljk I'm just getting into more open mics. The standup is going ok, I'm just trying to find the right stuff to write about.
Showing posts with label Afghanistan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Afghanistan. Show all posts
Friday, September 13, 2013
Thursday, May 31, 2012
"Five Wives"
A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.
Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Snakes In His Pants"
Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Alligator Fat"
A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"
Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 12, 2010
"A Slap In The Face"
Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
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