San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. This has proved extremely controversial, but his approval rating is still 100% among opposing defensive backs.
San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. However, I expect him to stand during the national anthem from now on, mainly because you can't sit down on the job while waiting tables.
Ryan Lochte signed a sponsorship deal with a cough drop company. It makes sense since he has a sore throat from putting his foot in his mouth.
Former No. 1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown is attempting an NBA comeback. This is according to his new agency, the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
The Cleveland Browns named Robert Griffin III their week 1 starting quarterback. As a result, Cleveland gym memberships increased by 97% so Browns fans can be in shape when they run RGIII out of town by Week 5.
Donald Trump selected Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. In other words, a guy who based his campaign on the "I'm not just another politician" platform selected a politician as his running mate.
Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. The full details of the trade: the New York Knicks traded three players to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose and 17 doctors to be named later.
The Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. After they won the title, rioters in Cleveland caused $10 million in improvements.
Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. "This is really exciting and a big day," said what I am assuming is some dude in a tie.
Tony Romo said "I have 4 seasons left in me". Any football fan knows that those seasons are Summer 2016, Fall 2016, Winter 2016 and Spring 2017.
A study said Javier Bardem's character in “No Country For Old Men” is the most realistic film psychopath. A close second: anyone who paid to see Zoolander 2.
Basketball coach Bobby Knight has endorsed Donald Trump. This is mainly because of Trump's campaign promise to throw a chair at ISIS headquarters.
Jerry Springer said that Donald Trump will not be President. This upset Donald Trump voters, most of whom have been guests on the Jerry Springer show.
That's all I have for right now! The sports world has been bananas over the past few months, which probably explains my influx of sports jokes. The world around us is not any less crazy by any means, and my world has just started to get as crazy as it could possibly get. I graduated college, I've been working like crazy, I've progressed as a joke writer, and I took a giant step into manhood (yeah, that one). It's been a crazy ride, but we've only just started the car. But I can't drive that car because my driver's license was suspended until January 1st. Unless it's for work, I'm screwed.
Anyway, I'll have more monologue jokes on New Year's Eve where I'll reflect on the life changing year that has been 2016. LEGGO!!!!!!
Showing posts with label Jerry Springer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jerry Springer. Show all posts
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Allergic To Electricity"
Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Praying For Charlie Sheen"
The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
"A Slime Highway"
Joke of the Day: A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent then celebrated by doing the exact same thing.
Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.
A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.
Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".
Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.
A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.
Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.
A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.
A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?
U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?
The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".
Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.
A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?
The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.
“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.
The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?
Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.
That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!
Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.
A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.
Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".
Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.
A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.
Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.
A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.
A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?
U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?
The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".
Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.
A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?
The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.
“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.
The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?
Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.
That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"A Full Hour In The Gym"
Worried that the American people still do not support the health care overhaul, Pres. Obama will make his case on the road, starting in Iowa. Or, as George Bush calls it, a coast-to-coast trip.
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
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