"Leave Room For The Holy Spirit"

Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.

A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.

Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.

Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.

Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.

Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."

A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.

The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.

A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.

The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.

Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.

The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.

Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."

Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!

"Chasing His Own Tailpipe"

Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.

In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".

A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.

Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.

Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.

In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.

New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.

Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.

There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.

A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.

The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.

Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.

ALSO

What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.

Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.

Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!

"Cold Weather"

Today at sunset the traditional Chinese Lunar New Year 4709 begins; it is the Year of the Rabbit. In a related story, Elmer Fudd hates China.

CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.

An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.

Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.

Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.

A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.

A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"

Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".

American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.

A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?

A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?

According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.

A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".

A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".

That's all for today! More coming soon!

"Dead Last In Health Care"

Joke of the Day: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has offered to rebuild a lightning-struck 62-foot-tall Jesus statue in Ohio as long as it carries a message about vegetarianism. Isn't it weird how an advertisement on vegetarianism would be displayed on a man who fed fish to five thousand people?

The Society for Invertebrate Conservation wants the bumblebee in southern Oregon added to the endangered species list. For once, I'd be glad to see an animal on the endangered species list.

A poll says 62% of Americans say the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 38% of Americans don't follow the news.

Health officials are advising against swimming in the water off Pensacola, Florida because of the Gulf oil spill. They also advised against putting a key in a light socket.

A report says the U.S. is dead last in health care, spending more while getting less. They got this idea from going to a major league baseball game.

A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. Ironically, the last people to hear about this story: BP.

Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. Strangely enough, now all they do is bite themselves.

The Naked Cowboy, who performs in a cowboy hat and briefs on Times Square in New York, is suing a woman who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl and performs in a bikini. The judge has ruled that neither one of them are actually naked.

A South Carolina town is considering a law that would make it illegal to sing, yell, shout, whistle, hoot or holler on public streets if it is annoying nearby people. Or, as I call them, vuvuzelas.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Their First Gay Character"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.

88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.

A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.

A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.

A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".

Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.

The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.

Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.

The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.

German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?

A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.

A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.

Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!

"The Shootout At The OK Corral"

Joke of the Day: A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. Wouldn't it be a little easier just to count how many passengers are served food?

Today is Earth Day. People all over the world celebrate a movement to go green. Or, as Irish people call it, "We already celebrated St. Patrick's Day."

A hand-written transcript of the shootout at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona has turned up 125 years after the event took place. In fact, it was written by Larry King.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if it's covered in chocolate.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if your dog is a chihuahua.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for 6 games by the NFL for violating the league’s personal conduct rules. This is strange, because I didn't know the NFL had personal conduct rules.

A survey says the main form of communication between children ages twelve to seventeen is texting. Coming in a distant last place, face-to-face conversations.

Heather Locklear was cited for hit and run after knocking over a parking sign in Los Angeles. Strangely enough, she wasn't in a car.

A study says that male monkeys hold babies to make friends. Won't that be an awkward pose for the evolution of man picture?

A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. That's because the flight attendants lost count years ago.

A poll says that Americans think that American cars are better than those made in Asia. Asia calls this poll, "Thanks for ruining it, Toyota".

Taco Bell has opened up their first restaurant in India. However, since cows are sacred in India, the can't use regular beef. In other words, the Taco Bell recipe will not change.

A study says that a single dose of aspirin can relieve the pain in about half of all migraine headaches. Apparently half of the migraine patients received pills labeled Aspirin, while the other half received pills labeled Miley Cyrus.

The government is going high tech to redesign the $100 bill. Redesign? I didn't know America had a single $100 bill to its name.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Wait, Al Pacino? Sounds like Al Capone would have been a better fit.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is defending the actions of Wall Street bankers. To which Wall Street said, "We don't want him defending us. We have somebody better. Mr. Madoff, the floor is yours."

The Hotel Normandie in Los Angeles is trying to become the country’s first marijuana friendly resort. The hotel has begun their quest by staying in Los Angeles.

That's all for today! Thanks to my faithful reader for all his support.

"A Lifeless Man"

Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.

British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".

A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.

A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.

New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".

New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.

Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.

An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.

Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."

Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.

Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.

For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.

That's it for now! More later!