Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.
Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.
A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.
Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?
Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.
Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.
Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?
There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.
There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.
James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.
Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Showing posts with label Stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupid. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, December 16, 2010
"Offensive To Muslims"
Two of Kate Gosselin’s children have been expelled from their school. That's what happens when Jon Gosselin is your role model.
Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again someday. That's like me saying I would like to eat another piece of pizza.
A fight broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding ceremony. That's like a wet t-shirt contest at Paris Hilton's wedding ceremony.
Researchers discovered that flu germs are passed easily in high schools. Also passed at high schools: STDs.
An Austrian judge ruled that yodeling can be offensive to Muslims. Muslims first need to know that them playing Jenga is offensive to Americans.
Washington, D.C. is the most educated region in the nation, according to the Census Bureau. Try saying that during Bush's presidency.
A 71 year old Kansas woman beat down an intruder with a frying pan. Police are still trying to determine what's more hilarious: getting beat up by an old woman or a frying pan.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again someday. That's like me saying I would like to eat another piece of pizza.
A fight broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding ceremony. That's like a wet t-shirt contest at Paris Hilton's wedding ceremony.
Researchers discovered that flu germs are passed easily in high schools. Also passed at high schools: STDs.
An Austrian judge ruled that yodeling can be offensive to Muslims. Muslims first need to know that them playing Jenga is offensive to Americans.
Washington, D.C. is the most educated region in the nation, according to the Census Bureau. Try saying that during Bush's presidency.
A 71 year old Kansas woman beat down an intruder with a frying pan. Police are still trying to determine what's more hilarious: getting beat up by an old woman or a frying pan.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 22, 2010
"Fainted On Stage"
President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".
Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.
A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.
New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.
Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.
Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".
Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.
Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.
The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.
A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.
A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.
New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.
Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.
Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".
Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.
Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.
The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.
A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"Concussion Rates"
Lindsey Lohan's dad is planning to open up a rehab center in California. He's only doing this so Lindsay Lohan gets in free.
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
"A Temporary Hotel"
Joke of the Day: A report says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are nearly broke and living on credit. They are so broke they can't even afford to make idiots of themselves anymore.
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Australian restaurateur fed up with the waste left by diners has ordered her customers to eat everything on their plates or pay a penalty and be banned from her eatery. To which Kirstie Alley said, "Fine by me".
Anamika Veeramani, 14, of North Royalton, Ohio, won the 2010 National Spelling Bee in Washington on Friday. She said after mastering the spelling of her own name, the rest was a piece of cake.
European Ryder Cup captain Colin Montgomerie has just apologized to his wife for having an affair with his ex-lover. Or, as Tiger Woods likes to call it, "Amateur".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. To which people with low IQ said, "What's suicide?".
A study says that people with a low IQ are at a higher risk of committing suicide. Someone needs to write George Bush's last will before it's too late.
The USDA is getting more picky over what qualifies olive oil to be labeled “extra virgin”. Here's what qualifies something to be labeled "extra virgin": Too many video games, pimples, and empty bags of Doritos on the floor.
“American Idol” winner Lee DeWyze will sing the National Anthem at Game 2 of the NBA Finals. He will then give a $10,000 grand prize to the first person who can spell his last name correctly.
A lawyer says Gary Coleman has a will that dates back to 1999. Which, strangely enough, was the last time he wasn't bankrupt.
Environmental campaigners in Rome have built a temporary hotel out of rubbish to raise awareness about pollution. Or, as Simon Cowell calls it, "A really bad American Idol audition".
Wal-Mart says it is planning a global expansion over the next five years in which it will hire 500,000 new workers. To which the rest of the world said, "That's OK, keep your lead to yourselves".
The North Korean soccer team has arrived in South Africa for the World Cup with no fans accompanying them. Nobody can go with their soccer team to South Africa because of someone we call "Kim Jong-Il".
Four day school weeks are becoming a popular idea across the nation as a way to save money. Especially now that most students are on summer break.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. Even worse, the baby is a girl.
Reporter Laura Ling, who was freed from captivity in north Korea with the help of Bill Clinton has named her new baby after him. The baby, whose name is Bill Ling, weighed 6 lbs. 10 oz., while her hospital Bill Ling was through the roof.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Friday, February 5, 2010
"The Most Drunk City In The US"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
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