"One Hard Cheeseburger To Swallow"

Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli was arrested by the FBI. His bail has been set at $200 thousan... I mean... *whips out calculator* $11 million dollars.

Coldplay has been announced as the Super Bowl 50 halftime act. The people who decided this made the decision for some reason I can't explain.

A woman in Georgia finished a college exam while in labor. The real story here is that someone in Georgia waited until college to have a kid.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. His loyal fans agree that this name change will be one hard cheeseburger to swallow.

Buccaneers WR Mike Evans dropped six passes in a game against the Giants. It's ironic considering he's named after something that can also be dropped.

Domino’s has designed a delivery vehicle that comes with an oven. Now something other than the delivery driver can get baked in that car.

The WHO said that bacon and sausage lead to an increased risk of cancer. Ironically enough, the WHO saying that is going to be a cancer to comedy open mics for awhile.

Bob Barker recently injured his head after a fall. He was promptly rushed to the hospital... in a brand new ambulance!

Bret Michaels has a new animal clothing line at PetSmart. You know, because your dog can't straight up tell you that he has hepatitis.

A study says apples are the most eaten fruit among American kids. In fact, last year, American kids combined to eat a staggering 13 apples.

A judge overturned Tom Brady's 4-game suspension. This proves the only thing that's been deflated is how much I care about Deflategate.

Redskins coach Jay Gruden named Kirk Cousins as the week 1 starter for the team. Afterwards, he named the caterer for the Redskins' playoff watch party.

That's all I have for now! Well, it's the last day of the year, and let me start off by saying that 2015 has been an absolute dream for me. It truly was a crazy year that featured a lot of milestones, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the luckiest of breaks. Some of the milestones I experienced were some that I expected, some that came with hard work, and some that caught me completely off guard. Some of these include my first "TV credit" (a tweet on @midnight), my first professional weekend of comedy (opening for Nate Bargatze), my first date, and as of a few days ago, my first paid league win in fantasy football. Those milestones. I also did get to experience the highest of highs, many of which were these milestones. Many of these high highs included some of the greatest comedy sets, moments, and jokes I've ever had in this crazy comedy dream I'm living. The lowest of lows, well, I won't get into that, because while they sucked at the time, I'm human and while they happen to everyone, it makes the good moments that much better. But this year has been made possible thanks to hard work, progress, and a few absurdly lucky breaks. Every one of these moments, both good and bad, have made 2015 the best year ever for me. Here's to 2016!

"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"Sex With Animals"

McDonald’s global sales are up 7.4%. Good job, Mrs. Obama.

A study says that yawns are more contagious among friends. Especially when I'm telling jokes.

Forbes says that the toughest metro area to find work in is Miami. Well no shit. Everyone down there is retired.

An Islamic Cleric in Europe is warning Muslim women to stay away from cucumbers, carrots and zucchini to avoid having “sexual thoughts”. Of course, if you're a Muslim woman in Asia, stay away from baby carrots.

A defense bill would repeal a military law against sodomy and sex with animals. I hope nobody is openly celebrating this.

“Survivor” hose Jeff Probst got married for the second time. Of course, since it was a guy from Survivor, everybody lost interest after the first five minutes.

Selena Gomez is denying that she is engaged to Justin Bieber. It really takes a lot of guts to even admit that you're even in a relationship with him.

Penn State will no longer license the name, likeness or image of former coach Joe Paterno. Meanwhile, Jerry Sandusky has applied for a job as a mall Santa.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"A Purse Thief"

A show on FOX News claims the new Muppet movie is brainwashing kids. FOX News said, "They can't brainwash anybody. That's our job."

A study says that one quarter of the parents of overweight kids say their doctor mentioned it. The other three parents have blind doctors.

Madonna will perform the half time show at Super Bowl XLVI. Her show will be more painful to watch than an Indianapolis Colts game.

A woman’s face caught fire while she was undergoing surgery in Florida. She will have to go through life with a busted face. You know, like Gary Busey.

Several grenades were found in a bag at the Newark Airport. When the people who found the bags realized they were in Newark, they pulled the grenades but didn't throw them.

A Nigerian e-mail scam is using Hillary Clinton’s name. To make it more convincing, every subject line reads "RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: I hate you Bill."

Shoppers in California were pepper sprayed by a purse thief in a department store. Hey lady, black friday is over.

Proposed federal guidelines say that anyone having sex with two or more partners in a year would be a risk for organ donation. This is great news for people getting my organs.

Ann Coulter recently called John McCain a "douchebag". Who is still letting this bitch talk?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Only Two Friends"

Andy Rooney has died at age 92 from complications following surgery. I'm shocked. He had his whole life ahead of him.

John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?

Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.

An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL receiver Terrell Owens. It's nice to know somebody wants him.

A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Oklahoma. In fact, the only shakier thing in that state was the Oklahoma State defense last Saturday.

A study says that a supersized soft drink can actually be a status symbol for people. Unfortunately, that symbol is called "fat".

Reese Witherspoon is giving up her $3,280 python handbag. I haven't seen a bag worth that much money since, I guess, Reese Witherspoon.

A study says that most Americans have only two friends. Thanks a lot, technology.

Some Oregon kids who were robbed of their Halloween candy received several pounds of candy donations over Craigslist. Talk about encouraging obesity.

Anonymous hackers have pledged to destroy Facebook. Anything but my farm! Anything!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Banana Republic"

An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.

A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.

A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.

A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".

Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.

Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Large Quantities"

A poll says that half of all Germans are obese or overweight. I'm not saying it's bad, but every time someone does a Nazi salute, they have a cheeseburger in their hand.

A new book says that President Obama and Mitt Romney got their health care ideas from President Nixon. That explains why there are approximately six f-bombs per page.

The Screen Actors Guild is telling IMDb.com to stop publishing actors’ ages on their website. I'm guessing this is an organization run by older women.

The FDA says that eating black licorice in large quantities can cause heart problems. Also, drinking in large quantities can cause liver failure.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". To be fair, it did involve a lunatic that killed himself.

Jack Hanna called the killing of the exotic animals in Ohio "the 9/11 of the animal world". The difference between the animal killings and the actual 9/11 is that nobody cares about animals.

Lady Gaga is going to perform at an Indian Formula One racing event. She should have performed at the Indiana State Fair.

A boy in Pennsylvania died after smoking synthetic pot. The theme to his funeral will be "he had it coming".

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Alligator Fat"

A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.

A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.

Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.

A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?

Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.

A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.

A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".

Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?

A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.

A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Most Debt"

An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."

Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.

Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.

The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.

Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.

A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.

Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".

A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.

French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Descended From King Tut"

A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.

Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.

A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.

A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.

Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.

The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.

A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.

A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.

A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.

A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Gaining Weight"

In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.

Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.

A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?

Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.

A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.

New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.

Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.

Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancé Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.

The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.

A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Jail Visit"

A Phoenix suburb is experimenting with using dog poop as a power source. Of course, they're going to get it from the number one place that it exists: the bottoms of people's shoes.

LeBron James' popularity is at an all time low. To give you an idea of how low it is, even President Obama is laughing at him.

"Celebrity Rehab" star Kari Ann Peniche says she is pregnant and divorcing, with her husband claiming the child isn't his. This has "Maury Povich" written all over it.

Casey Anthony refused a jail visit from her mother. When Casey Anthony doesn't like you as a mother, you're probably doing something wrong.

Research says that people with wide faces are more likely to cheat and lie. And after years of watching Family Guy, they are more likely to want to achieve world domination.

The bikini has turned 65 years old. Hopefully the first one purchased isn't still in use by the same person.

A study says that schools that give report cards about kids' weight made no difference in the problem. In fact, the overweight boys have D's. Oh, and their report cards aren't so hot, either.

Albertson's grocery stores are doing away with their self checkout lines. This would be a bigger news story if they had more than four customers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Schizophrenia Medication"

Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race. John Huntsman? Say no more...

Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.

A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate exams there, but they don't use their hands.

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake star in the new film “Bad Teacher”. I know a few people in my life that would be perfect for the role.

A study says that hammocks help people fall asleep faster and sleep better. Unless you're really fat.

The world's oldest woman has died in Brazil, just weeks shy of her 115th birthday. The family had already prepared for her birthday. They spent $20 on the cake, and $8,000 on the candles.

Country music legend Glen Campbell has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. You'll hear about it in his remixed song, "By The Time I Get To Phoenix, I'll Have Forgotten Why I Went There In The First Place".

Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour because she was called for jury duty. I'm not even sure that the result of chance would tolerate that.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Chosen By Their Fans"

Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. In other words, she won't be going to her house for awhile.

The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?

A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently the shit missed the toilet, and hit the fan.

Researchers say allergy medicine could be making people fat. These researchers obviously know that I have a prescription for Zyrtec.

The Kardashian sisters are working on a novel, with the name getting to be chosen by their fans. The leading candidate: Crayons Sold Separately.

A new drug that treats premature ejaculation is showing promise in testing. Unfortunately, they weren't supposed to tell us that for another two weeks.

A study says that kids with bad asthma are more likely to have food allergies than kids who don't. For example, most kids with asthma have a severe allergy to vegetables.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” lost her license when she hit a police car in Italy. That's a change. Snooki ramming someone else?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently rode in a helicopter to his son's baseball game. Man, that must be one exhausted helicopter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Mentally Incapable"

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.

Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.

Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.

A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.

A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.

Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Their Own Advice"

Jennifer Lopez has been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman. Coming in a close second: Justin Bieber.

A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.

A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.

Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.

Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?

Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.

Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.

FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A YouTube Video"

Mitt Romney started his White House run with a YouTube video. Romney is exactly like Rebecca Black: an annoying little girl making news on YouTube.

An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.

Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Spears. I agree. She is a terrible singer, and an insult to music. And Britney Spears is pretty bad, too.

California Governor Jerry Brown says the country is the most divided it has been since the Civil War. A poll was held in response to this quote. 50% of Americans agreed, and 50% of Americans disagreed.

A teenager claims she was told she was too fat to be in the front row of a taping of “American Idol”. Being too fat certainly makes her put the "American" in "American Idol".

Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant appeared to use a homophobic slur against a referee during their game yesterday. It's the angriest Kobe has been since he was with a hotel room employee.

An Indonesian clinic says that smoking cigarettes can cure cancer and emphysema. That must explain Indonesia's new official mammal: the Camel.

Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized with bipolar disorder. I guess that's what being married to Michael Douglas does to you.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Common Forgetfulness"

A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?

A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.

Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?

Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?

Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.

Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.

Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.

President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Stressed Out"

The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. I can't wait for their hit song: Out of the Closet.

Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".

A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?

A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?

Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.

That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!

"Praying For Charlie Sheen"

The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.

Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".

A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".

Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.

Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.

A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!