"One Hard Cheeseburger To Swallow"

Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli was arrested by the FBI. His bail has been set at $200 thousan... I mean... *whips out calculator* $11 million dollars.

Coldplay has been announced as the Super Bowl 50 halftime act. The people who decided this made the decision for some reason I can't explain.

A woman in Georgia finished a college exam while in labor. The real story here is that someone in Georgia waited until college to have a kid.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. His loyal fans agree that this name change will be one hard cheeseburger to swallow.

Buccaneers WR Mike Evans dropped six passes in a game against the Giants. It's ironic considering he's named after something that can also be dropped.

Domino’s has designed a delivery vehicle that comes with an oven. Now something other than the delivery driver can get baked in that car.

The WHO said that bacon and sausage lead to an increased risk of cancer. Ironically enough, the WHO saying that is going to be a cancer to comedy open mics for awhile.

Bob Barker recently injured his head after a fall. He was promptly rushed to the hospital... in a brand new ambulance!

Bret Michaels has a new animal clothing line at PetSmart. You know, because your dog can't straight up tell you that he has hepatitis.

A study says apples are the most eaten fruit among American kids. In fact, last year, American kids combined to eat a staggering 13 apples.

A judge overturned Tom Brady's 4-game suspension. This proves the only thing that's been deflated is how much I care about Deflategate.

Redskins coach Jay Gruden named Kirk Cousins as the week 1 starter for the team. Afterwards, he named the caterer for the Redskins' playoff watch party.

That's all I have for now! Well, it's the last day of the year, and let me start off by saying that 2015 has been an absolute dream for me. It truly was a crazy year that featured a lot of milestones, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the luckiest of breaks. Some of the milestones I experienced were some that I expected, some that came with hard work, and some that caught me completely off guard. Some of these include my first "TV credit" (a tweet on @midnight), my first professional weekend of comedy (opening for Nate Bargatze), my first date, and as of a few days ago, my first paid league win in fantasy football. Those milestones. I also did get to experience the highest of highs, many of which were these milestones. Many of these high highs included some of the greatest comedy sets, moments, and jokes I've ever had in this crazy comedy dream I'm living. The lowest of lows, well, I won't get into that, because while they sucked at the time, I'm human and while they happen to everyone, it makes the good moments that much better. But this year has been made possible thanks to hard work, progress, and a few absurdly lucky breaks. Every one of these moments, both good and bad, have made 2015 the best year ever for me. Here's to 2016!

"GPS Shoes"

President Obama is going to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. However, due to major budget cuts at the White House, he will be appearing next week on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Lindsay Lohan fired her manager. Manager? How about her publicist?

Jamie Moyer, who turns 49 next month, says he hopes to pitch at least one more year. I'd be surprised if he's able to live one more year.

Coldplay was picked by Q Magazine as the best act in the world right now. In other news, Q Magazine has lost 93% of its subscribers.

A study says that the speech patterns of psychopaths give them away. Like when they say, "Winning!".

Smart phone sales are reportedly down for the first time ever. That's because everyone who used to buy them got into car accidents.

Steve Jobs said that Bill Gates was unimaginative and should have taken LSD. How is this guy still talking?

GPS shoes for Alzheimer’s patients will soon be available. We already have something to help Alzheimer's patients get around. It's called a personal assistant.

A study says that playing outdoors makes for better eyesight for children. How could they do this study? No children play outside anymore.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!