"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

"Broke His Leg"

HELLO!!! OMFG THIS IS MY 200TH POST!!!

Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.

Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?

President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.

NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.

Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.

British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.

Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.

A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.

Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...

A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.

The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?

A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!