"Coronavirus Fears"

Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.

Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”

The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.

A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.

Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.

A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.

Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.

A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.

The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.

Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.

The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.

The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”

38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.

Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.

That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!

"Fashion Faceoff"

Ron Paul says he is “trying to save the Republican Party”. From what? Youth?

A Texas hospital says it will not hire overweight people with a BMI of more than 35. So we know where I'm not gonna work.

A study proves that “beer goggles” actually exist, and that drinking alcohol can make people look more desirable. Now I have an excuse to buy beer.

Amanda Bynes was recently arrested for DUI. She was so drunk, she thought she saw real dancing lobsters.

Heidi Klum has filed for divorce from Seal, citing "irreconcilable differences". Like the fact that Heidi Klum's face is good looking.

I just read an article called "Mila Kunis vs. Kate Upton Fashion Faceoff". Goddamnit, now my computer is all sticky.

NASA has recently discovered the quietest room on Earth. It's a comedy club after I tell a joke.

A report says that a British sperm clinic founder may have fathered as many as 600 children. And here, I thought the dudes on the Maury Povich show were out of control.

Anchorage, Alaska has broken a 57 year old snow total record for the year with 133.6 inches. Also known as Adele's waistline.

A report says that Americans’ favorite chocolate to eat is Snickers. Americans' least favorite chocolate to eat: Oprah Winfrey.

Baseball announcer Tim McCarver says that social networking is “disturbing”. Well Mr. McCarver, get off my Twitter and Facebook pages.

Chris Daughtry has been sued by former bandmates. If I was forced to listen to Daughtry's music every fucking night, I think I'd deserve a reward.

An ex-teacher in Modesto has been arrested for sexual abuse of one of his students. Can we rename that city Molesto?

George Zimmerman has launched a website to help pay for his legal expenses. He has received countless donations - from white people.

That's all I have for right now! More later!