Monday, January 31, 2011

'Safe For Women"

Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.

An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.

A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?

Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.

An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.

Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?

The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?

There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.

A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.

A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.

Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.

A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.

NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.

MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.

A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.

AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.

A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!

A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.

An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".

That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

"Neck Cancers"

Rep. Dennis Kucinich is suing the Congressional cafeteria for an olive pit that he found in a sandwich. He's also pissed because the sandwich is taller than he is.

Singer Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Australia and was rushed to the hospital. That's the last time he ever drinks a margarita during Margaritaville.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he’ll reduce his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage next season. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler's salary is going to be reduced to $1 regardless of whether he plays or not.

Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Utah naming a state gun is like Kentucky naming a state rocket scientist.

Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest galaxy, and it is described as a small, hot affair that blazed to life during the childhood of the cosmos. Like Larry King's first marriage.

The body of former Italian quiz show host Mike Bongiorno was stolen from its grave. Bongiorno hosted numerous Italian quiz shows, while the thief was playing "Press Your Luck".

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" admitted her failed hookup with Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is one of her biggest regrets. Really, Snooki? Three drunken years on an MTV show and THAT'S one of your biggest regrets?

A new study says that the rise in head and neck cancers is a result of more oral sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton is undergoing chemotherapy.

A new study says that unhealthy eating can lead to depression. Which leads to more unhealthy eating, which leads to more depression...

Nintendo's profit has gone down 74%. It's so bad, their new currency is shiny stars with faces on them.

A study says that people sleep better when their bedroom is clean and comfortable. This study was conducted by moms everywhere.

An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. What? It's not like anyone's going to buy it.

That's all I have for today! More later!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"On The Shelves"

“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.

A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.

Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.

A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.

A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.

A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.

Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.

Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.

A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.

A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.

A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".

A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Monologue Jokes Special: State of the Union Address

Tonight was Barack Obama's State of the Union Address. It was amazing how he turned "We're screwed" into a two hour speech.

President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".

Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.

When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?

President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.

Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.

President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.

President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.

President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.

President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?

President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?

President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.

President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.

President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?

President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.

President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.

President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.

President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.

President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.

President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...

President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.

President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.

President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.

President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.

President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.

President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.

President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".

President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.

President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.

President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.

President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.

President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.

President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.

President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.

President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.

President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.

President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?

President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.

President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.

President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".

President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.

President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.

President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.

President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.

President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".

There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.

Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!

"A Half Sister"

Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.

Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.

A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.

President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.

Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!

Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.

A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.

Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...

Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.

An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.

Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, January 24, 2011

"Caught On Live TV"

Actor Richard Dean Anderson, TV’s MacGyver, celebrated his 61st birthday on Sunday. For his birthday, he received a paper clip, a rubber band, and a thumbtack.

“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)

South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".

New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.

Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.

Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.

MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)

A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.

A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, January 21, 2011

"Junior Lollipops"

Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James is engaged to marry “LA Ink” tattoo star Kat Von D. I wonder what would incline a man like Jesse James to marry a person known for tattoos.

A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.

January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.

In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.

A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.

An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.

Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.

Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.

A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

"Fatty Acids"

The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.

The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.

Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.

A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.

Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".

Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.

Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.

A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"The Kama Sutra"

Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?

A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".

New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.

A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!

A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.

Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.

A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.

Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".

A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?

A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.

A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.

Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

"Filed The Paperwork"

Actors January Jones and Jason Sudeikis split up. Jason reportedly has a thing for Jones' sister, February.

Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?

The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.

Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?

A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.

Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.

UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.

A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, January 17, 2011

"Trying To Lure"

The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.

Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.

In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.

The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.

The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.

A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".

The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

"A State Of Confusion"

CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.

A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.

A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.

A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.

The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?

A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.

That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

Friday, January 14, 2011

"Money For Nothing"

Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.

The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?

A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?

Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.

Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?

The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.

Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".

A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

"Genetic Screening"

Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...

The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!

After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.

Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.

LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".

Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.

President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.

A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.

The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"Sneezed The Bullet"

California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.

A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.

Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.

A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.

An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.

The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?

The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.

A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.

Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".

A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.

A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.

Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

"Just As Enjoyable"

On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.

More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.

A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.

Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.

A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?

California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.

Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.

MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".

Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, January 10, 2011

"Not An Issue"

Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.

“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.

The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.

The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.

On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?

Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.

The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.

Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".

Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.

67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.

A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?

Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.

A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".

New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, January 7, 2011

"The Season Premiere"

Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.

The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.

During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".

Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".

On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.

Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.

Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?

A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.

Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.

Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.

The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.

A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".

The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.

The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.

Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.

A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?

That's all for right now! More later!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

"A Garbage Can"

John Boehner was elected the new Speaker of the House, replacing Nancy Pelosi. You know, these two are very different. One is an old man who is known for doing a good job at giving Obama a bad reputation. The other one is John Boehner.

“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she often drinks until she blacks out and about once a month wakes up in a garbage can. That happens to be the one day a month that Jersey Shore is taping.

Starbucks updated its logo. It's a cup of overpriced coffee.

Pennsylvania State Police will stop issuing disorderly conduct citations to people who use profanity. This is great news for Philadelphia Phillies fans.

A Bluefin tuna weighing 754 pounds sold in Tokyo for nearly $396,000. Try putting THAT in a can.

Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden voice, has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. As their starting guard.

28 children in China have been hospitalized for lead poisoning. They should be back to work at the factories in no time.

In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Isabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. I don't know which is more gross: Sex with Hugh Hefner, or a dead fish.

That's all for right now! More later!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

"Full Trash Bags"

About 1,300 parishioners of a Catholic Church in New York may have been exposed to hepatitis A through communion on Christmas day. I'm not sure a good Christmas gift is "the gift that keeps on giving".

In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".

Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.

A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?

A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.

A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.

The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.

This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.

Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.

A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?

Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".

A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".

That's all for right now! More to come later!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

"Symptoms Of Depression"

January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.

Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.

More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".

It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.

Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.

Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.

On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.

The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.

A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.

A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.

A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?

A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.

David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.

A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.

Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, January 3, 2011

"A Muslim Version"

CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.

The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.

Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.

Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.

The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.

Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.

Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.

China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.

A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.

The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".

A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.

A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?

A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?

That's all for right now! More later!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

"Banished Words"

It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.

A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.

Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.

This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.

New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.

Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.

Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.

Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?

Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?

Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.

TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!

That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!