Tuesday, August 31, 2010

"Concussion Rates"

Lindsey Lohan's dad is planning to open up a rehab center in California. He's only doing this so Lindsay Lohan gets in free.

Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.

Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.

While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".

President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.

A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.

Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.

Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.

Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, August 30, 2010

"Closer To Stalling"

Joke of the Day: A massacre caused by a mushroom hunter in Italy has caused 18 deaths. Or, as we call that in America, "Super Mario Brothers".

Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".

Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.

More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".

The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.

A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.

Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.

John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.

Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.

Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".

A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.

A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.

That's all for now! More later!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

"A Single Curse Word"

Joke of the Day: President Obama said that he isn't worried about the rumors that he is Muslim. In fact, he said that if he ever starts to worry about it, he will go to Allah for guidance.

The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".

The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.

Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.

Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.

Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?

Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.

The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.

Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".

Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.

Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

"A High School Prom"

Holy crap! Today's my birthday! You don't have to worry about sending me birthday wishes. Both of my friends will take care of that. Anyway, here are today's jokes!

In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.

Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.

Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.

A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".

Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.

Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.

Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.

A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?

A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.

California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?

A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?

That's all for today!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"Passed Up A Chance"

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. In an unrelated poll, the number of Americans who prefer FOX News over CNN is 55%.

Jimmy Carter is expected to travel to North Korea to win the release of an American held there. Now why all of a sudden would Kim Jong-Il want to keep Americans in North Korea?

An intruder was arrested at Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles home after she said he tried to break in. It's the first time ever that Paris Hilton has ever disliked an invasion.

Outfielder Johnny Damon passed up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox and instead elected to remain with the Detroit Tigers. Psychological evaluations are scheduled for tomorrow.

Former Major League Baseball player Bobby Thomson, who hit the "Shot Heard 'Round The World", has died at the age of 86. His last words were, "The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the penn - oh, wait".

Sylvester Stallone says the U.S. apologizes too much. To which the U.S. said, "I'm sorry. I'll stop".

A nail salon in Georgia tried to charge a woman customer an extra $5 because she is overweight. This explains why I would qualify for $2,000 in extra fees.

That's all for right now. Off to school I go. More coming later today.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"Potentially Harmful Bacteria"

Joke of the Day: The Gateway Arch in St. Louis was found to be showing signs of rust and decay. It's big, in St. Louis, and showing signs of rust and decay. Kind of like the Rams.

North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?

Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.

Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...

California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?

Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.

House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.

Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.

A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".

That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.

Monday, August 23, 2010

"A Book To Read"

Well, I'm back from Camp Kodiak! I can now write jokes again. And here they are!

Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?

88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?

The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.

North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.

While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".

Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".

An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".

Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.

A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.

That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!