Thursday, September 1, 2016

"Some Dude In A Tie"

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. This has proved extremely controversial, but his approval rating is still 100% among opposing defensive backs.

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. However, I expect him to stand during the national anthem from now on, mainly because you can't sit down on the job while waiting tables.

Ryan Lochte signed a sponsorship deal with a cough drop company. It makes sense since he has a sore throat from putting his foot in his mouth.

Former No. 1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown is attempting an NBA comeback. This is according to his new agency, the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Cleveland Browns named Robert Griffin III their week 1 starting quarterback. As a result, Cleveland gym memberships increased by 97% so Browns fans can be in shape when they run RGIII out of town by Week 5.

Donald Trump selected Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. In other words, a guy who based his campaign on the "I'm not just another politician" platform selected a politician as his running mate.

Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. The full details of the trade: the New York Knicks traded three players to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose and 17 doctors to be named later.

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. After they won the title, rioters in Cleveland caused $10 million in improvements.

Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. "This is really exciting and a big day," said what I am assuming is some dude in a tie.

Tony Romo said "I have 4 seasons left in me". Any football fan knows that those seasons are Summer 2016, Fall 2016, Winter 2016 and Spring 2017.

A study said Javier Bardem's character in “No Country For Old Men” is the most realistic film psychopath. A close second: anyone who paid to see Zoolander 2.

Basketball coach Bobby Knight has endorsed Donald Trump. This is mainly because of Trump's campaign promise to throw a chair at ISIS headquarters.

Jerry Springer said that Donald Trump will not be President. This upset Donald Trump voters, most of whom have been guests on the Jerry Springer show.

That's all I have for right now! The sports world has been bananas over the past few months, which probably explains my influx of sports jokes. The world around us is not any less crazy by any means, and my world has just started to get as crazy as it could possibly get. I graduated college, I've been working like crazy, I've progressed as a joke writer, and I took a giant step into manhood (yeah, that one). It's been a crazy ride, but we've only just started the car. But I can't drive that car because my driver's license was suspended until January 1st. Unless it's for work, I'm screwed.

Anyway, I'll have more monologue jokes on New Year's Eve where I'll reflect on the life changing year that has been 2016. LEGGO!!!!!!

Monday, March 14, 2016

"Hangover-Free Alcohol"

Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79. It's a shame that Antonin Scalia died before he could witness the hurricane that God caused as a result of legalized gay marriage.

Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.

Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.

Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.

Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.

A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.

Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.

Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.

Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.

An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?

Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.

North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".

Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.

Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!

By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.