"Riddled With Errors"

Joke of the Day: Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".

The shares of BP dropped sharply in London amid a massive sell off. Don't they mean a massive oil spill?

CNBC financial host Suze Orman underwent an emergency appendectomy and had to have her appendix removed on Saturday. Apparently her appendix was suffering from heat exhaustion under her flashy jackets.

The Democrat Senate candidate in South Carolina is a 32-year-old man who lives with his parents and who’s been charged with showing obscene photos to a college woman. This guy was born to be a Senator.

A new survey found that 3 out of 4 Americans still believe that global warming is occurring. The other person didn't have Al Gore put a gun to their head.

Scientists say that the sun is about to become much more active, producing numerous sun spots. These scientists work for the Al Gore Institute.

New research from Britain found that an unmade bed may be unappealing to dust mites and thus may be healthier than one that is made. Apparently these researchers are not parents.

Boston Celtics guard Ray Allen was 0-for-13 from the field Tuesday night against the Lakers in the NBA championship series. Even BP was giving him advice on how to perform better.

British Petroleum’s 582 page plan for oil spills was riddled with errors and omissions, according to an analysis. Or, as CEO Tony Hayward calls it, "Perfect".

The oldest leather shoe ever found was discovered in Armenia. To which Larry King said, "I've been looking for that!".

A woman on a Continental Airlines flight from Israel to Newark, New Jersey says she was drugged and robbed on the flight. That sounds like something your health insurance company would do to you.

A 600 pound New Jersey woman wants to become the world’s fattest woman by making it to 1,000 pounds. I'm sure her parents will be so proud.

That's all for today! I hope I have more jokes tomorrow!

"Consumed By A Star"

Joke of the Day: The Hubble telescope discovered a planet in our galaxy that was in the process of being consumed by a star. To which Al Gore said, "The planet is Earth, the star is the Sun, and the process is called Global Warming!".

The new president of the Philippines says he is not going to give up his smoking habit because it will affect his decision making. Apparently when he doesn't smoke, he makes good decisions.

The US Congress declared May 25 “National Tap Dance Day”. Next, they are going to declare May 26 "National Wear Earplugs Day".

A West Virginia man set his house on fire after he returned home to find his wife did not have dinner ready for him. To which his wife said, "I hope you like burnt pork roast".

The Supreme Court ruled that the National Football League consists of 32 separate professional teams. This is the clearest example ever of old people that just found something out.

Police in Chicago say an elderly couple was found buried in trash for three weeks. It turns out, Lou Piniella and his wife were locked in the Cubs locker room.

Hollywood studios are considering renting new films within thirty days of their release. Hollywood has now decided to change their name to "China".

Jesse James says he “wanted to be caught” cheating by Sandra Bullock. And with a woman who stands out as much as "Bombshell McGee", he did a good job of that.

Jesse James says he “wanted to be caught” cheating by Sandra Bullock. And, of course, not by Elin Nordegren with a nine-iron in her hand.

The CEO of British Petroleum says he is “Devastated by what I have seen” with the Gulf oil spill. This has devastated him so much that he hasn't been able to do anything in weeks.

Sarah Palin says Rand Paul is finding out what it is like to be her. Suicide Prevention programs have been asked to intervene.

That's all I have for today everyone! More coming tomorrow!