"A Pepperoni Swastika"

Dwayne Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19. Due to his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Dwayne Johnson can no longer smell what the rock is cookin'.

Donald Trump has said he'll ban TikTok. It's the first time he's ever disapproved of videos of teenage girls.

A Little Caesars in Ohio delivered a pizza with a pepperoni swastika. It was the craziest way to find out that Little Caesars had a delivery option.

Comedian Chris D'Elia has come under fire for texting and sexting underage girls. Considering his unkempt look, this underage sex scandal is the first time I've ever heard of Chris D'Elia doing any grooming.

Reggie Bush came out against paying college athletes. In a related story, "That's like this guy being against this thing" jokes have increased by 86,000%.

The Patriots drafted kicker Justin Rohrwasser, who had white supremacy tattoos on his arm. This was a poor decision by the Patriots, as all his kicks will end up going far-right.

The NFL Draft will be held virtually and in quarantine due to coronavirus. To make him feel like he's actually at the NFL Draft, Roger Goodell will have his family boo him while he announces picks.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

The Library of Congress honored The Village People. It marked the first time in history that Washington DC has ever done something nice for a Native American.

That's all I have for now! This is a three part post, so more coming soon.  

"COVID-61"

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.

New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.

Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”

A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?

Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.

The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.

A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.

A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.

The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.

Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.

An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.

The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.

Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.

One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.

"Too Sexy"

Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.

Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".

A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.

A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.

A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.

A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.

An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.

The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.

Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Stealing Tide Detergent"

Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.

More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.

A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.

A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.

An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.

Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".

A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.

A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.

Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"Briefly Interrupted Play"

New Mexico is using Billy The Kid as a tourist draw because he was shot there. They used a murder to attract people? It's like America's version of Abbottabad.

The San Francisco Giants will visit President Obama at the White House. Of course, "Giants" is the nickname of President Obama's ears.

LA Laker forward Lamar Odom was in an automobile accident in New York. He was so disoriented that he was sexually attracted to Khloe Kardashian.

A man wearing a wedding dress ran onto the field during a Braves game in Atlanta and briefly interrupted play. I knew he was in Atlanta because he threw a bouquet in the air and nobody caught it.

A report says that British troops that were serving in Afghanistan were “unacceptably weak”. Like their toothpaste.

A study says that educators who mentor young doctors miss opportunities to teach them about medical ethics. Mainly because the educators are too busy sleeping with the young doctors.

A poll says that “Jersey Shore” does not hurt the image of New Jersey. When Jersey Shore doesn't negatively affect your reputation, it's time to make some changes.

Scientists say that Neanderthals bred with early humans and that some people could still have their DNA. Apparently scientists are huge fans of Larry King.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Schizophrenia Medication"

Republican John Huntsman joined the presidential race. John Huntsman? Say no more...

Johnson & Johnson says it has recalled 40,000 bottles of a schizophrenia medication. The company knew the schizophrenia drugs weren't working because Johnson & Johnson are the same person.

A North Carolina man admits he robbed a bank of $1 so he could go to prison and receive health care. They do prostate exams there, but they don't use their hands.

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake star in the new film “Bad Teacher”. I know a few people in my life that would be perfect for the role.

A study says that hammocks help people fall asleep faster and sleep better. Unless you're really fat.

The world's oldest woman has died in Brazil, just weeks shy of her 115th birthday. The family had already prepared for her birthday. They spent $20 on the cake, and $8,000 on the candles.

Country music legend Glen Campbell has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. You'll hear about it in his remixed song, "By The Time I Get To Phoenix, I'll Have Forgotten Why I Went There In The First Place".

Sarah Palin cancelled her bus tour because she was called for jury duty. I'm not even sure that the result of chance would tolerate that.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"List Of Performances"

Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.

The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?

An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.

Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.

U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.

“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.

Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.

A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.

84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Cut In Half"

Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.

Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.

Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.

Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.

An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.

Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.

A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.

The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.

A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.

“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.

Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.

Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.

The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".

A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?

Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Entirely In Klingon"

President Clinton says that anger, apathy and amnesia could hurt the Democrats in November. In his defense, they've already hurt the Republicans.

The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.

A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.

An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.

Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.

Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.

The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?

China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.

Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.

A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?

A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.

Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".

Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

"Moving To Florida"

After years of growth, Las Vegas is losing people who can't find work and think they will have better luck elsewhere. No wonder they have so many hookers.

A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.

The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.

A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.

Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?

An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?

Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.

A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.

Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Book To Read"

Well, I'm back from Camp Kodiak! I can now write jokes again. And here they are!

Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?

88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?

The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.

North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.

While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".

Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".

An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".

Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.

A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.

That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!

"Brake Wiring Problems"

Joke of the Day: Chrysler is recalling 600,000 minivans for brake wiring problems. Gosh, these pedal problems are less likely to stop than the cars themselves.

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Meg Whitman spent $70 million of her own money running in California’s gubernatorial primary. Where did she get all that $70 million? Bonuses.

Actress Lindsay Lohan may have drunk alcohol at an after-party following her appearance at the MTV Movie Awards. Maybe her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet didn't go off because it was fascinated by all the white powder on her feet.

A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Apparently a bunch of snakes decided to take a trip to the Gulf of Mexico.

A study found that the number of snakes in the world is plummeting. Either that, or they all got jobs on Wall Street.

A Massachusetts school teacher who was preparing to move her classroom found a document dated “April 1792”. It was an essay handed in by John McCain.

Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen says the oil spill containment operation in the Gulf of Mexico is now catching up to 630,000 gallons daily. The bad news: it's being contained in the Gulf of Mexico.

The Georgia Bureau of Investigation has released more than 50 audio and video recordings from its investigation of suspended Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Unfortunately for Roethlisberger, they are all phone calls and sex tapes.

A study says that one in five Americans is prone to fall asleep in meetings. The other four are playing games, texting, and watching porn during those meetings.

A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. Which expl - oh man, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.

A study says that short people are more at risk for heart problems. In related news, Gary Coleman's coroner has altered the autopsy.

Chicago teachers are suing the school district saying their classes are too large with as many as 35 children in a room. The teachers are upset because now, it's too hard to determine who they want to have sex with.

President Obama has finally expressed his anger over the oil spill. He said he was going to find out "whose ass to kick". Considering all the bad things going on in Washington right now, he should have said, "whose ass not to kick"; it would have been a smaller list.

The price of US gold hit a record high on Euro zone credit fears. In a related story, I will now set my time machine to 1849.

A construction worker in China suffered only a broken leg after falling into a working concrete mixer. The worker hopes to be off crutches by the time he starts the first grade.

An Oregon man ran 102 miles barefoot to set a world record for the longest distance run while barefoot. When asked what he was going to buy with the prize money, the man said, "Shoes".

That's all for now! And good news for me: I finally have my second follower! Before, I had one follower: ME! More jokes coming tomorrow, and definitely better jokes tomorrow!

By the way, I hope I keep getting more followers!

"Targeting Ethnic Studies"

Joke of the Day: Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. Oddly enough, it's a cruise.

The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.

A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".

Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.

A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.

A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.

The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.

Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"The Cause Of Earthquakes"

Joke of the Day: A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and who have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. In that case, why is Maury Povich's studio still intact?

US and Iraqi officials say they killed al-Qaida’s top two officials in air and ground assaults. And yet, still no word on Osama bin Laden.

The best-selling relationship book, “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”, will soon be on the big screen. The tagline: "Either way, they come from my... you know."

Twenty Nepali climbers are on a mission to clean up the area on Mt. Everest known as the “death zone”. Which is strange, because I thought Los Angeles was in California.

A set of quadruplets from New York have all chosen to attend the same college. In a related story, Kate Gosselin has just been inspired.

A suburban school district secretly captured at least 56,000 webcam photographs and screen shots from laptops issued to high school students, And those were just in the showers.

Returning from Mexico, Michelle Obama made a brief stop Thursday in San Diego to visit a community garden farmed by international refugees. She is calling this journey, "A day in the life of an illegal Mexican immigrant".

A gene variant that may help protect memory and thinking skills in elderly people has been identified by U.S. researchers. It's called a notepad.

A new study has found that almost six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin send home children who have minor illnesses. That means that six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin have really good liars.

High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one person said they thought the limo was being stolen. It was a repo man, so that person was right.

A new study says that one third of U.S. teenagers with cell phones send more than 100 texts per day. The same study has found that 99 of these texts were gramatically incorrect.

Jay Leno says he knew that Conan O'Brien would land on his feet. That's weird. Conan usually says he lands on his hair.

A 9 year old boy in Georgia is raising money for his own heart surgery by selling manuscripts of his life online. A 9-year old selling his life story? And you thought the book called "Jewish Sports Legends" was short.

A study says that tanning is as addictive as drinking, with one third of all college students hooked. To both tanning and drinking.

A study says that people grow to dislike diet foods after a period of time. Actually, these people just try diet food once and they hate it.

Joe Biden is set to make an appearance on "The View". And you thought the panel for The View never shuts up.

A U.N. report says that India has more cell phones than toilets. Conveniently enough, the US has exactly as many cell phones as they do cars.

GM is teaming up with a Detroit church to try to sell more cars. That's right, America. GM needs a prayer to get their cars on the road.

Bill Clinton says the world sees too much infighting in the U.S. And his marriage.

That's all for right now! More upcoming!

"Demons Have Invaded Washington"

Former AIG workers may sue the company, saying they were shorted on their bonuses. Apparently these people now work for Citigroup.

Google says they are “99.9% done” in China because of censorship. So in this relationship, Google is the germ and China is the Clorox.

John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter says her pictures in GQ Magazine are “repulsive”. Of course, not as repulsive as John Edwards.

A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.

A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. And still, grandchildren did not notice a difference.

Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. This is because when she said, "You will need to be laid off", she didn't hear the last word.

Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. These "demons" that he speaks of are also called "Republicans".

The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes. This is strange, because I thought that wolverines in Michigan only died during the college football season.

A 600-pound woman in New Jersey says she's okay with being fat and actually is trying to gain another 400 pounds. And when she completes her goal, Kirstie Alley will likely go back to Jenny Craig.

Lady Gaga has sparked fears for her health after she appeared "dazed and dizzy" during a concert in Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday. Apparently, she feels the same way in her dressing room.

Many people are saying that Tiger Woods wants to control everything in his life. Look where that's gotten him...

That's it for today! These jokes (in my opinion) are REALLY good. Send the love and become my follower!

"Rang The Opening Bell"

Sadie, the Scottish Terrier that won the Westminster Dog Show, rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange, Thursday. Sadly, she was the most qualified to run the NYSE.

A school district in Pennsylvania used web cams in school-issued laptop computers to spy on students at home. Teachers were not thrilled at all. They wanted them in the students' showers.

The maker of Poligrip denture cream says it will remove zinc from its ingredients. In other words, Wal-Mart will no longer carry Poligrip.

The Department of Homeland Security lost nearly 300 guns between 2006-2008. That department is in Washington, so Gilbert Arenas has been named the prime suspect.

Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. Most likely because their most important person wants to play for the Knicks.

Forbes Magazine has ranked Cleveland as the most miserable city in the U.S. That is, if you are from there and you have a career in sports betting.

Remember when Tiger Woods was rumored to have sexual contact with other men? I guess those "transgressions" should be changed to "transvestites".

An amino acid called isoleucine may play an important role in weight loss, a new study suggests. If only Americans cared about amino acids. Or weight loss.

Elton John recently claimed that Jesus was gay. The Bible claims that Jesus is perfect, and that homosexuality is of the devil. In other words, Elton John is one hell of a reader.

An online effort to draft Hoosier rocker John Mellencamp to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Indiana's Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh is building up steam. As a matter of fact, there is enough steam for it to hurt so good.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda said Thursday he will testify at a congressional hearing next week about the automaker's massive recalls in the United States. Ironically, he said that he was going to have more problems getting to Congress in the company car.

I hope you enjoyed these jokes! I hope it snows here so we miss more school!