"Having Sex On Train Tracks"

An Ohio HS football player wrote a poem about his team’s poor performance. It described in detail their OT loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Brent Musburger once said that "quarterbacks get all the girls". If that's the case, my peak was in the second grade during recess.

The Congressional gym was open during the shutdown. Hopefully politicians used it to workout their differences.

The Chiefs-Raiders game set a record for the loudest stadium ever. In fact, Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor couldn't even hear himself not think.

Barbara Sinatra says Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not Frank Sinatra's son. This is becoming literally the whitest Maury Povich episode ever.

14 bags of pot were found in a 3 year old's backpack at a NY day care. People became suspicious when he drove to Taco Bell for snack time.

Two Russians having sex on train tracks were hit by a train. If her screams are loud enough to not notice a train, you're doing a great job.

Giants DB Prince Amukamara says people call him the Black Tim Tebow. He said this because he's a virgin, doesn't drink, and isn't an NFL caliber quarterback.

There's a new dating website called Twine where pictures can't be uploaded. It should've been called AlexSchubertFinallyHasAChance.com.

Krispy Kreme recently honored "Talk Like A Pirate Day" by giving out free donuts. Here's how it worked: if you talk like a pirate you get a donut, if you dress like one you get a dozen, and if you do neither you walk the plank.

Well guys, that's all for now. Well, big news on the Schub comedy front. I'll be living out one of my comedy dreams on Monday, October 28th. I will be involved in my first ever roast. You see, my friend Jay Armstrong is in a child custody battle with some stupid bitch who cheated on him and wants custody of their daughter. If anybody reads this sumbitch, you'll know to come out to the Thompson House. The tickets aren't cheap ($15), but they will be worth it. The money will be used to help Jay fight this legal battle. Jay (and myself) could use all the support we could get. So I thank you all, and holy fuck this is was a long paragraph.

"Better Dancers"

JWOWW of “Jersey Shore” was patted down by TSA agents at an airport in Fargo, North Dakota. Not surprisingly, the patdown lasted over nine hours.

Parents are sending away for lollipops that have been licked by a child who has the chicken pox so their own children can get the disease. I miss the old days when young parents would just kill their kids.

Newt Gingrich has risen to the top in the polls of potential GOP presidential nominees. Congratulations, Barack.

A survey says that 12% of employees worldwide are optimistic. The other 88% have a boss.

A study says that nice guys make better dancers. You know what this means? White people are the meanest people on Earth.

A study says that male spiders that offer their mates useless gifts get turned down for sex. And by "spiders", I mean "people".

A study says that cleaning teeth can cut the risk of heart attack. Sorry about your luck, England.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"National Beer Day"

Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?

A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?

A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.

Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?

Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.

Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Personal Use"

A new study says that sex can trigger heart attacks in people who rarely have it. In a related story, I just bought a defibrillator.

Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.

On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?

An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.

A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?

A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"National Grammar Day"

Friday is National Grammar Day. I be celebratin' later tonight.

National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.

Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.

BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.

Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.

A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?

The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.

A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Just As Enjoyable"

On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.

More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.

A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.

Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.

A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?

California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.

Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.

MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".

Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Fainted On Stage"

President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".

Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.

A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.

New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.

Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.

Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".

Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.

Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.

The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.

A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Four Feet Long"

Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.

Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.

The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?

The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?

A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.

The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.

McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?

A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.

A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.

The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.

Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.

Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.

7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.

A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".

That's all for right now! More later!

"Mental Disorders"

“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.

Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.

Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.

A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.

A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".

A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.

The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.

Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Lean Forward"

Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".

In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".

In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.

The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.

MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".

A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.

Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.

Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.

Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.

A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.

A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.

A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.

A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.

A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"

Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".

American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.

A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?

A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?

According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.

A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".

A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".

That's all for today! More coming soon!

"A Tumultuous 16-Month Tenure"

Joke of the Day: A study says that fish fear their own reflections and won’t stare at themselves in a mirror. Who knew so many fish lived in Hollywood?

Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.

McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.

A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".

A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.

The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".

Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.

AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.

A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?

A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.

A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?

That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!

"Fat-Melting Injections"

Joke of the Day: Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".

The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.

A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.

A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.

Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.

Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.

NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.

An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.

The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.

People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.

Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.

A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...

This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!

"Arrested In A Pot Bust"

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Still no word on how the Catholic Church celebrated.

President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.

Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.

Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.

Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!

A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.

Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.

The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"33,000 Empty Homes"

A late-night confession by Utah's House majority leader about sitting nude in a hot tub with a minor 25 years ago has shocked this conservative state's political establishment. A man in Utah did that with only one person?

Men are more likely than women to be interested in sex, have sex and enjoy sex, according to new scientific research. Wait, this research is new?

Simon Cowell’s engagement apparently came as a surprise to many of his associates. Especially Ryan Seacrest, who was seriously heartbroken.

Orange County, California has filed a lawsuit against Toyota for making unsafe vehicles. So has the entire world.

Detroit has 33,000 empty homes inside the city limits. This is due in large part to a migration known as "Operation What Are We Doing In Detroit".

A study shows why some people are able to quickly get over fighting with a spouse. It's called a divorce.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Saturday she's confident the House will pass health care legislation. She hasn't stopped smiling because of her confidence. And because she's Nancy Pelosi.

According to a study, a student who sees the letter “A” before an exam will do better on a test. In other words, if a student sees the letter A before a test, odds are they are going to see the letter A when they get it back.

Larry King is really starting to get into Twitter. He wonders why something like this wasn't around when he was a child. Of course, it would have helped if paper was invented back then.

A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. This study is being referred to as "The End of the Human Race".

A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. The only people who are unaffected by this statistic are people that work on Wall Street. None of those people even have a heart.

Howard Stern is under heavy criticism for his fat jokes about Gabourey Sidibe. Of course, Howard Stern referred to the criticism as "Gabourey Sidibe Criticism".

A man in Korea recently married his pillow. When asked why, the man said, "I may as well. I mean, I have slept with her every night."

Jets coach Rex Ryan underwent a weight-loss procedure Saturday to help him fight obesity. So I guess the Jets aren't the only "Biggest Losers".

That's it for today, everyone! I hope to have more jokes soon!

"Worst Actress Of The Decade"

Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today!

Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?

A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.

Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?

Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)

A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.

A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?

Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...

You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.

New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.

A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.

Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!