Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Showing posts with label Chicago Bears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Chicago Bears. Show all posts
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"On The Shelves"
“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Caught On Live TV"
Actor Richard Dean Anderson, TV’s MacGyver, celebrated his 61st birthday on Sunday. For his birthday, he received a paper clip, a rubber band, and a thumbtack.
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Insured His Thumbs"
Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...
The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.
In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.
Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"
Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.
Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.
Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.
In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.
In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.
Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.
A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?
The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".
Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?
New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.
That's all I have for now. More later!
The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.
In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.
Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"
Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.
Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.
Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.
In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.
In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.
Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.
A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?
The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".
Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?
New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.
That's all I have for now. More later!
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