Friday, July 29, 2011

"Gaining Weight"

In San Diego, Comic-Con closed after 4 days. This is great news if your computer is broken.

Brett Favre’s agent said, “Brett is retired, period.” Apparently his agent is Rafael Palmeiro.

A South African man awoke after being inside a morgue refrigerator for 21 hours. Somewhere, Jeffrey Dahmer is thinking, "What refrigerator isn't a morgue refrigerator?

Scientists say that time travel is impossible. If it was possible, I would have kicked some serious ass at my March Madness brackets.

A survey says that half of all men say they would dump a woman for gaining weight. I mean it would be much easier to dump her if he had a forklift and a giant hill.

New data says that Texas has added half the nation's jobs over the past two years. They credit this to the fact that they're so close to Mexico.

Casey Anthony is seeking $1.5 million for a TV interview. Hopefully she uses the money to buy herself a heart.

Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancĂ© Crystal Harris says the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds” during sex. That's two seconds longer than most women can tolerate.

The New York State Fair has introduced a 1,500 calorie donut burger that uses a glazed donut for the bun in a cheeseburger. If I buy it, I hope it comes with a free funeral.

A misplaced surgical clamp gave a Chinese man a 37 year stomach ache. He also blames it on the fact that he eats Chinese food.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, July 25, 2011

"Ecstasy And Cocaine"

The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?

Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.

A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.

Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?

A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.

A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.

A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.

I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.

Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

"Spousal Support"

Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.

An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)

A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".

Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.

34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.

Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".

A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.

Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.

Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.

The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon - 2nd time

He loves my screen name!

"Paradise Lost"

“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.

The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.

Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".

Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.

Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.

Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.

A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...

A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.

Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"Briefly Interrupted Play"

New Mexico is using Billy The Kid as a tourist draw because he was shot there. They used a murder to attract people? It's like America's version of Abbottabad.

The San Francisco Giants will visit President Obama at the White House. Of course, "Giants" is the nickname of President Obama's ears.

LA Laker forward Lamar Odom was in an automobile accident in New York. He was so disoriented that he was sexually attracted to Khloe Kardashian.

A man wearing a wedding dress ran onto the field during a Braves game in Atlanta and briefly interrupted play. I knew he was in Atlanta because he threw a bouquet in the air and nobody caught it.

A report says that British troops that were serving in Afghanistan were “unacceptably weak”. Like their toothpaste.

A study says that educators who mentor young doctors miss opportunities to teach them about medical ethics. Mainly because the educators are too busy sleeping with the young doctors.

A poll says that “Jersey Shore” does not hurt the image of New Jersey. When Jersey Shore doesn't negatively affect your reputation, it's time to make some changes.

Scientists say that Neanderthals bred with early humans and that some people could still have their DNA. Apparently scientists are huge fans of Larry King.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, July 18, 2011

"Dog Meat Soup"

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.

Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.

(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.

Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.

U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.

Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.

Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.

North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?

Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".

Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, July 15, 2011

"Double Leg Transplant"

The Labor Department says that one in five recent college graduates is out of work. The other four don't have a liberal arts degree.

The first double leg transplant was done in Spain. I would like to congratulate the patient, Stump.

Elizabeth Smart is joining ABC News as a missing persons contributor. Unfortunately, she didn't show up to work on her first day.

A British company has started an online for pay site to cure porn addicts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a porn website. It just features naked pictures of Khloe Kardashian.

A Rihanna concert in Dallas ended earlier as a fire started at the arena. Actually, someone saw Rihanna's hair and assumed as such.

David Letterman's studio was vandalized. Not only that, but it was polluted by shitty jokes.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

"A Jail Visit"

A Phoenix suburb is experimenting with using dog poop as a power source. Of course, they're going to get it from the number one place that it exists: the bottoms of people's shoes.

LeBron James' popularity is at an all time low. To give you an idea of how low it is, even President Obama is laughing at him.

"Celebrity Rehab" star Kari Ann Peniche says she is pregnant and divorcing, with her husband claiming the child isn't his. This has "Maury Povich" written all over it.

Casey Anthony refused a jail visit from her mother. When Casey Anthony doesn't like you as a mother, you're probably doing something wrong.

Research says that people with wide faces are more likely to cheat and lie. And after years of watching Family Guy, they are more likely to want to achieve world domination.

The bikini has turned 65 years old. Hopefully the first one purchased isn't still in use by the same person.

A study says that schools that give report cards about kids' weight made no difference in the problem. In fact, the overweight boys have D's. Oh, and their report cards aren't so hot, either.

Albertson's grocery stores are doing away with their self checkout lines. This would be a bigger news story if they had more than four customers.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

"Acting Skills"

Casey Anthony will be released from prison on July 13. She is being released on accounts of previous time served, good behavior, and huge tits.

ABC Television says its soap opera “All My Children” may continue its storyline on the Internet. Considering the title, I hope Casey Anthony isn't scheduled for a cameo.

The U.N. says that going green will cost the world $76 Trillion over the next 40 years. And that's just in TV advertisements.

Photos of a Sinead O’Connor comeback concert have been released. Soon after that, she went on SNL and ripped them in half.

“Harry Potter” series star Tom Felton admits none of the cast were chosen for their acting skills. I think we figured that out after the second movie.

A juror in the Casey Anthony case says the jury was sick to their stomach with the verdict. And by "jury", they mean "world".

Experts say that Casey Anthony has become comfortable with lying. Mainly because it worked for her.

That's all I have for today! Sorry about all the Casey Anthony jokes. There's just a lot of material available in regards to that lying whore. Anyway, more tomorrow!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Monologue Jokes Special: Casey Anthony NOT GUILTY

A lot of jokes have been posted about Casey Anthony. I have found some on Twitter and posted some of my favorites.

God must not like defenseless little girls. - @RitleySammich

It may not be a popular opinion right now, but I still think it's wrong to kill babies. - @robdelaney

"OMG, SAMESIES!" - O.J. Simpson's congratulatory call to Casey Anthony - @shiraselko

Right now, Casey Anthony is giving Jose Baez an awesome lap dance. - @JerryPerisho

Pretty fucking sure this isn't what Francis Scott Key meant by "land of the free". - @MrBrownEye2

There are two kinds of people in the world: People that believe Casey Anthony was guilty, and the jurors. - @GroperCleveland

Vick kills dogs= Prison. Plaxico shoots himself= Prison. Pretty white girl kills her daughter= Book deal, Reality TV show, Playboy shoot - @DumbNOTDeaf

I hate having sex with Casey Anthony, she gets off too easy. - @thisjason

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did!

Monday, July 4, 2011

"Grunt Control"

Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".

The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.

A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.

A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?

Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?

Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.

The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!