Friday, April 30, 2010

"Interbred With Neanderthals"

Joke of the Day: Iranian police are warning that women who have a suntan will be arrested. In related news, Iran has released a search warrant for the cast of Jersey Shore.

It’s National Arbor Day. I celebrated by reading the newspaper and printing off tons of flyers about it.

Oprah Winfrey’s cable network OWN will air a show called “Inside Rehab”, which is about treating eating disorders. What's next? Is the Tiger Woods Network going to air a special on treating sexual addiction?

A spokesman for NASA says that claims of life on Mars are “absolutely false”. I don't need a spokesman for proof. I need a video camera.

The 83-year-old actress who played Thelma Lou in the original “Andy Griffith Show” was robbed recently in Mt. Airy, NC. She was given the option of giving the robber her money or her life.

Scientists say they have new evidence that humans may have interbred with Neanderthals about 100,000 years ago. They call that evidence "Larry King".

The “National Enquirer” says Tiger Woods had sex with 120 women while he was married. Strangely enough, one of the women not on the list: His wife.

Conan O'Brien has grown a beard while in exile. Apparently that $30 Million dollars that NBC gave him was not spent on a razor.

President Hugo Chavez on Thursday invited Cuba's Fidel Castro and Bolivian President Evo Morales to join Twitter. To which both of them said, "No. In our country, we don't have internet."

Scientists say that the genetic make up of frogs is very similar to humans. That ought to cheer people up.

Oprah Winfrey has signed a $100 Million deal with Procter and Gamble. It's nice to see Oprah associate with something in Cincinnati besides an ice cream parlor.

That's all for now! More to come later today!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

"Only In English"

Joke of the Day: A man is battling for his right to go inside the Ohio Statehouse barefoot. To which George Bush said, "Do you want to come to my next speech?".

It was on this date in 1913 that the zipper was patented. It was also on this date that the phrase "Your fly is down" was invented.

A flight from Houston to DC was diverted to Greensboro Wednesday after the word “bomb” was found in the bathroom mirror. He then opened the toilet and realized what the word "bomb" meant.

In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. Because when I think of needs for the state of Alabama, the first thing that comes to mind is the drivers' test being only in English.

In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. That's strange. I had no idea anybody in Alabama knew what a car was.

A knife-wielding man attacked a kindergarten class of 4-year-olds in eastern China on Thursday, slashing 28 children. That's strange. Usually when you find 28 4-year olds, you'd be in a Chinese factory.

Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat". The man said, "That's the last time I ever criticize Mike Tyson".

55% of Americans say that the nutritional quality of school lunches is “fair” or “poor”. In another survey, 100% of American children think that the quality of school lunches is "terribly poor".

A survey says that 14 year old girls are the toughest kids to parent. I'm very sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.

A survey says for the first time more Americans feel they will be working past age 65 than will be retired. In this economy, those people are lucky to be working.

The Boy Scouts are offering awards for video games. They are probably just motivating more boys to join the Boy Scouts.

California State officials have unveiled a new seismic map that features 50 new faults. The biggest fault? Los Angeles.

Afghanistan is launching an Internet crackdown to stop people from viewing sites promoting pornography, alcohol and gambling. Or, as we call that in the U.S., Las Vegas.

A study says dieting can be dangerous to a person’s health and can lead to heart attacks, cancer and diabetes. Fat people are calling this study "A Really Good Excuse".

Joan Rivers is beginning a new season of "How Did You Get So Rich?" for TV Land. After that show ends, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, and Heidi and Spencer Pratt will all star in a reality show called "Really, How Did You Get So Famous?"

That's all I have for right now. More upcoming!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Alex Schubert in the Laughlines Blog

My 33rd Laughlines Blog Post!

"A Canister of TNT"

Joke of the Day: A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.

April’s Consumer Confidence Index rose to its highest level since September, 2008. Which means Walmart didn't have as many shoppers as usual.

A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. Well that was a good treaty, wasn't it?

The Mexican government issued a warning that its citizens should be cautious if visiting Arizona. Yeah, they're "just visiting".

In Lincoln, Nebraska, a man concealed his face by wrapping his head in toilet paper before robbing a convenience store. Even more gross, it was from the convenience store restroom.

Police in Indonesia’s Papua are barred from having penis enlargement surgery. I guess they are following up that law that restricts officers from having more than one gun in their pocket.

A 10-year-old girl survived a sting from the world’s most venomous creature. Wait, I didn't know Heidi Montag was a cannibal.

Authorities said an 8-year-old boy grabbed control a pickup and brought it safely to a stop after his grandmother had a seizure while driving on a western Colorado interstate. The grandmother is now very relieved. She is thankful that she didn't have a Toyota.

Sandra Bullock has filed for divorce from her husband, Jesse James, and is adopting a baby boy as a single parent. To which Elin Nordegren said, "You can do that?".

A poll says more Americans are connecting with the government online. The same poll also said that more Americans chat with our government officials through porn sites.

The Icelandic volcano ash cloud cost European airlines more than $3 Billion in delays and cancellations. It's the happiest anyone has been with airline service in years.

The rights to the “Peanuts” comic strip have been sold for $175 Million. To which the buyer's wife said, "You forgot the Cracker Jacks".

Atlanta Braves Manager Bobby Cox says that the Cardinals’ Albert Pujols should be paid $50 Million a year. I disagree. Don't the Yankees already have a really good first baseman?

“60 Minutes” will air an interview with former “Tonight Show” host Conan O’Brien on Sunday. O'Brien and Andy Rooney will reportedly fight over who is more annoying.

A military hypersonic glider failed in a test flight. The glider was launched from a rocket to come back to earth at 13,000 mph to splash in the ocean. After the glider failed the test, military officials fired Toyota.

A brawl broke out in the Ukraine parliament after approving a treaty with Russia. These rarely turn into food fights; the last time I checked, you need food for a food fight.

That's all for now. More upcoming!

Monday, April 26, 2010

"Insured His Thumbs"

Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...

The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.

In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.

Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"

Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.

Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.

Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.

In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.

In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.

Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.

A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?

The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".

Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?

New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.

That's all I have for now. More later!

"Mayberry With A Beach"

Joke of the Day: A Detroit strip club manager was arrested for employing a 14 year old female dancer who was making up to $350 a day. Still yet to be discovered, the dancer's seven-year-old brother was employed by the Catholic Church.

George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.

George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".

George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.

World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.

A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.

In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."

A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.

China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.

A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.

A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.

Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.

The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.

That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!

Alex Schubert in the New York Times Laughlines Blog - 32nd time!

I'm on fire! 3rd in a row!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

"Talking With Slurred Speech"

Joke of the Day: Rock singer and TV reality star Bret Michaels remained in critical condition, but was conscious and talking with slurred speech. You know, like his on-stage performances.

President Barack Obama made a pilgrimage Sunday to evangelist Billy Graham's mountainside home, and they prayed together. When Obama started praying, Graham said, "Look, I'm an evangelist, not a miracle worker".

A terrorist suspect said that al-Qaida recently ordered a suicide attack in New York City. Ooh! Ooh! Let me name this one: Operation September 11th 2.0.

Police have arrested a Hindu holy man with thousands of followers across India and abroad after video footage emerged last month allegedly showing him frolicking with two women. This is shocking. Holy men have sex with women?

A team of surgeons has carried out the world's first full-face transplant. Unfortunately, it wasn't on Susan Boyle.

A buggy antivirus update from security vendor McAfee caused corporate customers' Windows XP machines to endlessly crash and reboot. McAfee has been sued by millions of people for redundancy.

Security researchers revealed this week that they recently discovered a hacker who is selling the user names and passwords for 1.5 million Facebook accounts. The hacker then realized that people can register and create their own for free.

That's all for now. Lots more tomorrow!

Laughlines Blog - 31st

Saturday, April 24, 2010

"Their First Gay Character"

Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.

88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.

A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.

A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.

A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".

Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.

The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.

Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.

The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.

German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?

A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.

A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.

Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

"Cognitive Capabilities"

Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.

Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.

In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.

A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?

Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.

All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.

Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.

A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.

An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".

Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".

A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.

Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.

Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".

NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

"The Shootout At The OK Corral"

Joke of the Day: A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. Wouldn't it be a little easier just to count how many passengers are served food?

Today is Earth Day. People all over the world celebrate a movement to go green. Or, as Irish people call it, "We already celebrated St. Patrick's Day."

A hand-written transcript of the shootout at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona has turned up 125 years after the event took place. In fact, it was written by Larry King.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if it's covered in chocolate.

The FDA has issued a reminder that it is unsafe to give your dog a large bone, like those from a ham or a roast. Especially if your dog is a chihuahua.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for 6 games by the NFL for violating the league’s personal conduct rules. This is strange, because I didn't know the NFL had personal conduct rules.

A survey says the main form of communication between children ages twelve to seventeen is texting. Coming in a distant last place, face-to-face conversations.

Heather Locklear was cited for hit and run after knocking over a parking sign in Los Angeles. Strangely enough, she wasn't in a car.

A study says that male monkeys hold babies to make friends. Won't that be an awkward pose for the evolution of man picture?

A study says that many sick airlines passengers are not reported. That's because the flight attendants lost count years ago.

A poll says that Americans think that American cars are better than those made in Asia. Asia calls this poll, "Thanks for ruining it, Toyota".

Taco Bell has opened up their first restaurant in India. However, since cows are sacred in India, the can't use regular beef. In other words, the Taco Bell recipe will not change.

A study says that a single dose of aspirin can relieve the pain in about half of all migraine headaches. Apparently half of the migraine patients received pills labeled Aspirin, while the other half received pills labeled Miley Cyrus.

The government is going high tech to redesign the $100 bill. Redesign? I didn't know America had a single $100 bill to its name.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Wait, Al Pacino? Sounds like Al Capone would have been a better fit.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is defending the actions of Wall Street bankers. To which Wall Street said, "We don't want him defending us. We have somebody better. Mr. Madoff, the floor is yours."

The Hotel Normandie in Los Angeles is trying to become the country’s first marijuana friendly resort. The hotel has begun their quest by staying in Los Angeles.

That's all for today! Thanks to my faithful reader for all his support.

Laughlines blog - 30th anniversary

Happy 30th anniversary to me!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

"A Carnival Attraction"

Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.

The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.

The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.

Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.

Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.

Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?

An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.

A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.

A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.

A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.

A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.

A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.

A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".

The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.

The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.

A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.

That's all for now. More later!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"The Cause Of Earthquakes"

Joke of the Day: A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and who have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. In that case, why is Maury Povich's studio still intact?

US and Iraqi officials say they killed al-Qaida’s top two officials in air and ground assaults. And yet, still no word on Osama bin Laden.

The best-selling relationship book, “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”, will soon be on the big screen. The tagline: "Either way, they come from my... you know."

Twenty Nepali climbers are on a mission to clean up the area on Mt. Everest known as the “death zone”. Which is strange, because I thought Los Angeles was in California.

A set of quadruplets from New York have all chosen to attend the same college. In a related story, Kate Gosselin has just been inspired.

A suburban school district secretly captured at least 56,000 webcam photographs and screen shots from laptops issued to high school students, And those were just in the showers.

Returning from Mexico, Michelle Obama made a brief stop Thursday in San Diego to visit a community garden farmed by international refugees. She is calling this journey, "A day in the life of an illegal Mexican immigrant".

A gene variant that may help protect memory and thinking skills in elderly people has been identified by U.S. researchers. It's called a notepad.

A new study has found that almost six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin send home children who have minor illnesses. That means that six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin have really good liars.

High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one person said they thought the limo was being stolen. It was a repo man, so that person was right.

A new study says that one third of U.S. teenagers with cell phones send more than 100 texts per day. The same study has found that 99 of these texts were gramatically incorrect.

Jay Leno says he knew that Conan O'Brien would land on his feet. That's weird. Conan usually says he lands on his hair.

A 9 year old boy in Georgia is raising money for his own heart surgery by selling manuscripts of his life online. A 9-year old selling his life story? And you thought the book called "Jewish Sports Legends" was short.

A study says that tanning is as addictive as drinking, with one third of all college students hooked. To both tanning and drinking.

A study says that people grow to dislike diet foods after a period of time. Actually, these people just try diet food once and they hate it.

Joe Biden is set to make an appearance on "The View". And you thought the panel for The View never shuts up.

A U.N. report says that India has more cell phones than toilets. Conveniently enough, the US has exactly as many cell phones as they do cars.

GM is teaming up with a Detroit church to try to sell more cars. That's right, America. GM needs a prayer to get their cars on the road.

Bill Clinton says the world sees too much infighting in the U.S. And his marriage.

That's all for right now! More upcoming!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Laughlines Blog - 29

Awesome - #29!

"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"

Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.

It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.

Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.

Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.

Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.

Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.

A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.

TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.

This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.

Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.

A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".

An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.

I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"Kids Using Smokeless Tobacco"

Joke of the Day: New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. As a method of showing off his fame, George will pay his late fees entirely in one dollar bills.

Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. And priests celebrated with a nice sandwich.

Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. All the choir boys were on hand to sing Happy Birthday. And I'm N' Luv.

7-11 will start selling its own private label beer called “Game Day”. It's the perfect way to tell your friends, "I'm a sports fan. And completely broke."

An army medic successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on a woman at a Yankees baseball game. And yet, the medic couldn't stop the Yankees from choking.

Larry King has allegedly had an affair with his wife’s sister for years, according to staffers. This is being described as the "It's not my fault" maneuver.

A judge has ruled that a National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Atheists are calling this a miracle.

Health experts say that Major League Baseball is to blame for kids using smokeless tobacco. This is not true at all. The MLB is using it all.

Organizers of the Tea Party demonstrations on tax day say they wanted to keep the group from presenting a message of extremism. Well that worked out well.

A U.N. commission blames bad security on the assassination of Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in 2007. This is odd. Who knew the US had security working in Pakistan.

The Obamas earned $5.5 Million in 2009. And they don't even have to pay for a house.

The NFL is helping to produce a Broadway play about Vince Lombardi. To which married men everywhere said, "I'm not buying it".

Volcanic ash from Icelandic eruptions have grounded flights across Europe. This has gotten so bad that in Europe, Southwest Airlines is only able to make three stop-offs per trip.

Thai troops armed with assault rifles have moved to block Bangkok's prime business district from thousands of anti-government protesters. I'm guessing when you think of the prime business of Bangkok, would prostitution come to mind?

New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. And thus, national debt was born.

A San Francisco crime lab is at the center of a growing scandal after a woman who worked there snorted cocaine that was supposed to be evidence. And as punishment, Lindsay Lohan has been fired.

President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.

That's all for now! More upcoming.

Friday, April 16, 2010

"40 Different Charities"

Joke of the Day: Cafeteria workers at Atlantic City High School in New Jersey served only cheese sandwiches Wednesday and Thursday as punishment for a cell-phone-coordinated food fight. Isn't living in New Jersey punishment enough?

Pres. and Mrs. Obama reportedly donated $329,000 to 40 different charities for tax deductions, last year. I don't know how Obama came up with $329,000, especially considering the economy.

The 20-year-old college student who accused Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault told police she told him that she didn't want to have sex. Then again, telling Roethlisberger "No" is like telling Joe Biden to "Shut up".

Minority Republican lawmakers sponsored a resolution this week honoring the 100-year anniversary of the Boy Scouts. Still no word on how they celebrated.

The interim government has received ousted Kyrgyz President Kurmanbek Bakiyev's resignation letter, Russian news agencies reported. His reason for his resignation was that he had too many vowels in his name.

A Michigan man could face life in prison after he allegedly tortured and ultimately killed his girlfriend's 4-year-old son last week for wetting his pants, prosecutors say. The boy apparently died of embarrassment.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"A Lifeless Man"

Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.

British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".

A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.

A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.

New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".

New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.

Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.

An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.

Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."

Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.

Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.

For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.

That's it for now! More later!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

"Ticketed For Speeding"

Joke of the Day: Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.

In Argentina, two escaped convicts hid from authorities by disguising themselves as sheep. If you are in Argentina, the sheep really can hit the fan.

Forty-seven year old former NFL star Jerry Rice says he’s going to try to play professional golf. It sounds like somebody has a little trouble meeting the ladies.

Ministers and legislators in Lebanon played soccer together Tuesday to mark a special anniversary in that country. If that same thing happened in America, we'd almost be celebrating anti-celibacy.

Members of the New York Yankees were presented their championship rings Tuesday for winning last season’s World Series. The scary part of this: This was followed by Yankees players handing the presenters checks.

The "Twilight" book series is on a list of challenged books. No teenage girl has confirmed submitting a complaint about it.

A new study says that frequent password changes are useless and a big waste of time. You know, like the modern-day KKK.

Actor Aiden Turner of "All My Children" was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. Turner can now go back to "All My Children", unlike Kate Gosselin.

28 states are considering expanding the authority of nurse practitioners. In a related story, Bill Clinton has announced that he is still extremely sick.

A new study says that the quality of nurse care is equal to that of doctor care. However, the nurses get the nod when it comes to guys getting a physical.

Sarah Palin truly is a hockey mom. In fact, all her children play the same position: Right Wing.

A driving instructor in France has been ticketed for speeding. Really? That's like the President of "Say No!" being arrested in a major drug ring.

Trash collected from the world’s waterways in one day last year netted 26,000 condoms and two million cigarette butts. And that was just from the Jersey Shore.

Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Toyota finally realized that the last thing drivers want on the road is another Toyota.

These jokes were pretty good! More coming later!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

"Blamed It On Diarrhea"

Joke of the Day: Kirstie Alley has confirmed that her 17-year-old son is engaged to be married. This wedding is expected to break a world record. The world's fastest eaten wedding cake.

A new porn magazine is coming out for the blind in Braille. Seriously, that's as useless as an iPod for the deaf.

An Iowa teenager will attend her high school prom wearing a dress she made out of Wrigley’s gum wrappers. Chances of this girl having a date are pretty small.

New York Yankees relief pitcher Chan Ho Park had a terrible outing in his first appearance this season and blamed it on diarrhea. In other words, his bad outing has been blamed on the runs.

A good-looking significant other will cause other potential mates to find you more desirable, new research suggests. The research has been entitled, "Must be his wallet".

Derek Lowe has called rookie outfielder Jason Heyward a young Alex Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he wasn't talking about what he does on the field.

Hank Aaron believes batters shouldn't try to hit a homerun every time they're at bat. That's like Lindsay Lohan telling everyone to "Say No!"

A Swedish man who flew passenger jets in countries around Europe for more than a decade without a license was let off with a light fine by a Dutch court on Tuesday. Now would be a good time for the "But everyone's doing it" excuse.

Recently, Ellen DeGeneres asked Eva Longoria Parker to strip on her show. You don't have to be lesbian to do that, Ellen.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

Monday, April 12, 2010

"A Slap In The Face"

Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.

An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.

A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.

A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".

A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.

As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.

Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.

On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.

More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.

It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".

Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.

Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

"A Burrito And A Bag of Funyuns"

Joke of the Day: Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has announced his retirement at age 90. If I didn't say his name, you would have thought I meant Brett Favre.

Tiger Woods was tied for third at the end of the first round of the Masters yesterday. Tiger was tied? If I had a nickel...

Authorities said a man helped himself to a burrito and a bag of Funyuns snacks at a gas station food store in Hastings, Michigan, then told the clerk to call police because he had no money to pay. When you eat a burrito and Funyuns at the same time, oh, you'll be paying for it alright.

Advocates say doctors in Montana have helped at least one patient commit suicide since a court ruled it wasn't illegal. This actually brought the Montana population down to 5 people.

The FDA said Thursday it is taking a close look at an anti-bacterial chemical called Triclosan, which may disrupt the body's hormonal system. The FDA then called the investigation unimportant when they realized that nobody washes their hands anymore.

One team looking to improve this NFL offseason is the Detroit Lions. They have filled major holes on their team. If only they could get rid of that hole on their side of the scoreboard.

A study says that more people would rather be without their TV sets than the Internet. Mostly because you can now watch TV on the Internet.

During its four year run on ABC, "Ugly Betty" paved the way to help society accept Latinos and gays. We already had that show. It's called "Dancing With The Stars".

Police say a Pennsylvania father went to his son's elementary school to retrieve nearly four ounces of marijuana from the kindergartner's Sesame Street backpack. Hey, now I know why the Cookie Monster eats so many cookies.

That's all I have! More tomorrow!

Friday, April 9, 2010

"iText and iDrive"

Joke of the Day: Intel is showcasing some new software that reportedly can read minds with brain scans. This machine, however, crashes when in the presence of George Bush.

A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.

Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.

The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.

Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.

A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.

A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.

President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.

Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?

A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.

More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?

Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.

A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"A Fat Redneck"

Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.

Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?

The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.

Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.

A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".

A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.

GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.

Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.

I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

"Fat-Melting Injections"

Joke of the Day: Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.

A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".

The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.

A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.

A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.

Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.

Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.

NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.

An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.

The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.

People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.

Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.

A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...

This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!

28th Laughlines Post - Headline Joke!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

"A Game Of Character"

European researchers have discovered that one hour of moderate to vigorous exercise a day can help teens beat the effects of a common obesity-related gene. Not only does it help rid of effects of obesity genes, but it helps you fit into skinnier jeans.

NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. I have an idea. Next season, have the celebrities be the couples in distress. It's more fitting.

Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. And SHE teaches US about obesity?

30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House. At the Easter Egg Hunt, for the 11th year in a row, nobody found the Osama bin Laden egg.

Actor Corey Haim employed “doctor shopping” to obtain 553 prescription pills in the two months before his death. I'm sure these pills had nothing to do with his death.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. In other words, the inmates have lost their TV privileges.

Zookeepers at Washington’s National Zoo think panda Mei Xiang is pregnant. The possibility of John Edwards being the father has not been ruled out.

President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.

Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. He also said that he thinks he will play really good golf.

A survey says that frequent fliers' favorite freebie at airports is Wi-Fi. They also say that they like the fact that the airport doubles as a mall.

Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. Of course, he also thought he wasn't going to get caught cheating on his wife.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, April 5, 2010

"Arrested In A Pot Bust"

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Still no word on how the Catholic Church celebrated.

President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.

Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.

Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.

Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!

A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.

Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.

The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

"An Unhealthy Clown"

Tiger Woods arrived without warning on a lazy Sunday afternoon at the Masters. If I had a nickel for every time that Woods arrived without warning...

Pamela Anderson said that she can't stand Kate Gosselin. Neither can the rest of the world.

For her next dance, Kate Gosselin will reportedly be bringing "Jon & Kate" to life on the dance floor with pro partner Tony Dovolani. It's going to be a terrible routine. Kate is going to run up to the camera and give a terrible interview, and Tony is going to run in the audience and find a hot young mistress.

Jersey Shore member J-Woww says that she does not like that the show was renewed by MTV. At least somebody on Jersey Shore knows what they are talking about.

The NCAA is on the verge of expanding the men's basketball tournament to 96 teams. And I thought my bracket couldn't get any worse.

Angry activists are calling for the retirement of Ronald McDonald, calling him an unhealthy clown, with far too much influence. Wait, didn't they call George Bush the same thing?

Newark, N.J. had its first murder-free month in 44 years. Unfortunately, it wasn't a suicide-free month because most people there realized that they live in Newark.

An error by SunTrust Bank made a customer's account balance close to $89 billion dollars. The customer then went to Washington and bought the U.S.

A recent survey said that half of Americans would support an openly-gay President. So our next President is going to be a Republican, right?

A woman is aiming to be the fattest female to teach people about fat acceptance. Ironically, she is scheduled to appear on Oprah.

That's all for today!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

"The University Of Irony"

An Italian exorcist says that Satan is behind the recent media attacks against the Pope. I'm not sure, however, that Rush Limbaugh cares about Catholicism.

The FAA is dropping a ban preventing clinically depressed pilots from flying. Now what about drunk pilots?

A poll says Americans feel the Republican Party would manage the economy better than the Democrats. This poll was found on Rush Limbaugh's fan site.

President Obama said in his Easter Address that "We must embrace the shared spirit of humanity". Apparently Republicans were not included in his speech.

Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man really became angry when his pet fish begged him to give it back.

A South Florida woman has celebrated her 106th birthday by throwing the starting pitch at a spring training game between the Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals. She walked into the dugout and received a standing ovation, hugs from her relatives, and a phone number from Larry King.

Among depressed people, anxiety associated with worrying may help relieve depression, a new study suggests. The study was conducted at the University of Irony.

A farmer recently discovered the fossil skeleton of an ant-eating dinosaur. This dinosaur is described as the world's greatest pet to bring to a picnic.

More tomorrow! Friend me on Facebook at !

Friday, April 2, 2010

"Sex Crazed And Very Cheap"

A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.

Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. The AFC North is messed up now. The Browns have issues with loaded guns on airplanes, the Steelers assault women, and the Bengals locker room doubles as the county jail.

The origin of April Fool’s Day is most commonly believed to date back to the late 16th century. Ever since then, April Fools Day starts off the same way every time. "Welcome to Larry King Live".

With rising educational costs, it is said that college students will “vote with their feet”. Honestly, how is that any different from the way it is now?

Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard says he has lost about 100 pounds on a vegetarian diet. He had a vegetarian diet beforehand. It consisted of french fries and baked potatoes.

The Republican National Committee inadvertently listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. The RNC actually meant to put it on a job application as a reference.

Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show “2 1/2 Men”. With Sheen out of the picture, the show will gain a new title. 2 Men.

Three of Tiger Woods’ former mistresses say he was sex crazed and very cheap. All three of them were Perkins' waitresses.

A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. Apparently Tiger was in the same graduating class as Jesse James, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!