Sunday, March 23, 2014

"Running Into His House"

George Zimmerman signed autographs at an Orlando gun show. On the bright side, now we know who would go out of their way for his autograph.

TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sentenced to ten years in prison. It was originally seven years, but the judge said "But wait, there's more!"

A study says chimpanzees are better video gamers than kindergartners. Yep, the messy unhygenic monkeys who eat hair were outgamed by chimpanzees.

A new app maps a person’s enemies so they never run into them in public. It received high accolades from the Cute Girls Who Know Alex Schubert Association of America.

A new study says 11% of Americans think HTML is an STD. Question: if it was in fact an STD, would it cause pain in your HTTPenis?

A Texas man was killed after running into his house to save his cellphone. He'd still be alive if he just used the door instead.

Former SNL actor Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI. His dashcam footage was the first time he's been on camera in seven years.

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died at 84. The Westboro Baptist Church will save a ton of money on graveyard plots when they realize that Fred Phelps can be buried in his own shame.

That's all I have for right now. Well, one of these jokes brought about one of my crazier Twitter experiences, and I feel that I need to explain myself. I tweeted the joke about the man in Texas who was killed after running into his house to save his cell phone, and a while later, I found myself being absolutely berated by my fellow comics (and the manager of my home club) because nobody got the joke. I'm going to break one of the Ten Commandments of comedy and explain that joke. You see, "running into his house" has a double meaning. Most people see "running into his house" as "oh, he went into his house to get something". Instead, when I thought of the punchline, I thought of the other meaning. It's like he ran into a brick wall, and running into a brick wall would kill him. And when I thought of the "he should have used the door instead" punchline, I started laughing (in public) because it was such a stupid thought, and I'm a sucker for a dumb joke. While I may go down in history as the only person who has ever laughed at that joke, I learned one comedy truth that day: the very first step in becoming a great comedian is making yourself laugh. I really don't give a shit if nobody else liked it.

If you want to see the Twitter ass-whooping I took that day, here's the link:

Anyway, sorry for the dragged on explanation of that crazy situation. I'll have more jokes to come soon!