Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hey! Guess What!

Guess what? I'm on Twitter! Finally, another website for my crappy jokes.

Follow me @ AlexSchubs

"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 29, 2010

"The Next Release"

While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.

A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.

A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.

The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...

Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.

Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...

New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.

A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.

England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.

MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.

The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?

A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.

The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.

Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

"Quidditch Lingerie"

English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.

A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".

Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".

Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?

A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.

A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?

A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.

A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.

Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.

Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?

An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?

Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".

Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, November 26, 2010

"Trapped In Her Bathroom"

Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".

South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.

A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.

A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.

Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.

President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.

A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.

Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.

-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

"Royal Work Load"

Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.

A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.

Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.

A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.

A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".

An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.

A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.

A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.

A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.

A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.

Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?

An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.

That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 22, 2010

"Fainted On Stage"

President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".

Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.

A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.

New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.

Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.

Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".

Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.

Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.

The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.

A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Local Taverns"

November 19 is the 147th anniversary of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. In other words, it was "Four score and 147 years ago".

November 19 is Larry King’s birthday. He turns 77. Thousand.

Airports are thinking of booting out TSA in favor of private security firms. This would be a change from the TSA, which favored firm privates.

Bernie Madoff has written a new children’s book. The title of the book: Fonzie Steemer the Ponzi Schemer.

An Idaho woman was jailed for pretending to be a doctor and conducting breast exams in local taverns. All signs point to her being a lesbian.

Scientists in Idaho found a seismic fault in the Rockies that could unleash a 7.5 earthquake. They are called "Jumping Exercises on the Biggest Loser Ranch".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"A Bomb Scare"

Apple says iTunes will start selling music from The Beatles. The reason it took them so long was because Steve Jobs was waiting for approval from John Lennon.

The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.

Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.

Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.

New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.

A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.

Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.

Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.

The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?

Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".

A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.

A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.

Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.

A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?

The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.

A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.

Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".

LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?

A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.

What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 15, 2010

"Hidden In Her Bra"

A new survey says “spillcam” and “vuvuzela” are the top words for 2010. While we're talking about the list of things that annoy the hell out of us, why not say "Alex Schubert".

Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.

A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?

200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".

A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?

The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".

Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.

President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.

The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Friday, November 12, 2010

"Attacking A Policeman"

Conan O’Brien lost one third of his viewers the second night of his new show. Mainly because his viewers realized that if they wanted to watch a drunk white guy make an ass of himself, they could just watch Letterman.

An Illinois woman is accused of attacking a policeman with a sex toy. In other words, she just stole the officer's handcuffs.

NBA player Gilbert Arenas admitted that he once defecated in a teammate’s shoes. And you thought the Wizards were crap before.

A nearly 300-foot tower being demolished in Ohio fell the wrong direction and scared people. Especially the people inside the building.

A Virginia bill is asking for a special license plate commemorating the Tea Party. It's for cars that only turn to the right.

Amazon is no longer selling a controversial guide for pedophiles. The book is called, "Becoming a Priest: For Dummies".

A study says that people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking to other people. No wonder I'm such a grouch.

A study says that people’s minds wander 47% of the time. In fact, it ...

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Diseased Lungs"

The federal government has proposed placing graphic images of diseased lungs on packages of cigarettes. They could also just ban cigarettes.

Researchers say Neanderthals had a raucous and promiscuous sex life. In fact, it was reported that Regis Philbin had seven mistresses.

The new French fries at Wendy’s now have sea salt. Unfortunately, so does their water.

The tuberous bushcricket has the largest testicles in relation to its body size of any known creature. That's ironic for a creature with "bush" in its name.

Two sisters in Oklahoma playing for their school golf team got holes-in-one during the same round. And they also kicked ass on the golf course, too.

Sears stores will stay open on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in their 124 year history. In fact, every Sears store combined is expected to get at least two customers.

Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner says he will travel between home and Washington, D.C. on commercial flights. I'm not sure Joe Biden got the message when he heard "Boehner coming and going".

A sex shop in Alabama offers a drive through window to buy sex toys. What do you get when you cross a drive thru with a sex shop? "Would you like fries ... with this shake?".

President Bush says he has a “clean conscience” when it came to recognizing the problems that led to the financial crisis. No, Mr. President, it wasn't your conscience that was clear. It was your brain.

Former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon says he is suffering memory loss at age 51. The real question is: how does he know what he's suffering from?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"The Friendliest City"

Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Especially if those texts are of them without their clothes on.

Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.

Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.

A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.

President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?

President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.

Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

"Electric Taxis"

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants big cities to start using electric taxis. How about cleaner taxis?

Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.

A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.

Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.

Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?

Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.

Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".

President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.

Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.

A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 8, 2010

"Joined Facebook"

We lost an hour this weekend due to Daylight Savings Time. Usually, when Americans lose an hour, they watch Dancing With The Stars.

Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".

Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.

A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.

President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".

Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.

A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?

Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.

Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.

A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

"Damn Right"

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.

Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".

Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.

German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?

The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.

Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

Friday, November 5, 2010

"A Big Parade"

President Obama says everyone in Washington, including himself, needs to do a better job. He's just figuring this out now?

A giant panda at the Atlanta Zoo gave birth to a cub for the third time. To which people in Chicago said, "Please tell me this cub can play baseball".

The Giants had a big parade in San Francisco. And then they realized that they won the World Series.

The price of sugar is at a 30 year high. And do you think obese Americans care?

A woman in Spain says she is “delighted” her ten year old daughter gave birth along with the 13 year old father. The woman added that it's nice to be a 21-year old grandmother.

A Los Angeles man says he stayed awake 40 straight days with no sleep. He stayed awake by being forced to watch attack ads.

Forbes has named Chinese President Hu Jintao as the world’s most powerful person. Let's be fair. His country has their own jobs. And American jobs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

"Prop 19"

Prop 19, which called for the legalization of marijuana in California, did not pass yesterday. This is terrible news for stoners who still don't notice the difference.

Three US astronauts on the International Space Station cast their ballots on Tuesday. These votes did not have any weight on the election.

Indonesia’s erupting Mt. Merapi volcano forced the cancellation of numerous international flights. So numerous international flights did not fly. And then a volcano erupted.

The 49ers rallied to beat the Broncos at Wembley Stadium in London, Sunday, in front of 84,000 fans. Unfortunately, 83,000 of those fans thought they were going to watch a different football.

The Magic-Knicks game at Madison Square Garden was postponed after debris fell from the rafters. The debris fell faster than the Knicks' winning percentage.

A 17 year old stowaway in Siberia survived a flight in a plane's landing gear. And his ride was the most comfortable of anybody in the plane.

The midterm election turnout is expected to break records. One record: the most suicides due to being annoyed by attack ads.

A report says that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish ended their marriage after she had an affair with Bret Michaels. And after Billy Ray Cyrus had an affair with his daughter.

The lawyer of Brooke Mueller says her husband Charlie Sheen humiliated her. Isn't being married to Charlie Sheen humiliating enough?

Janet Jackson says in an interview that she never wanted to be a singer. If only Michael had that same revelation.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

"A Pink Wig"

Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.

At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.

Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.

Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.

A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.

One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.

A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".

A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.

Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.

China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]

The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.

A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

Monday, November 1, 2010

"Stone Tools"

An 18-year-old US woman won the Miss World contest in Beijing, China. She had an amazing talent: being able to eat a cheeseburger without throwing it up.

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman says that her former housekeeper should be deported. If she isn't deported, Whitman said that the housekeeper must suffer through watching campaign ads.

A New York judge says a four year old girl can be sued over a bicycle accident. They can be sued for the entire contents of their piggy banks.

Researchers have found stone tools dating back 75,000 years ago. They were first used when Larry King needed to build a new house.

A documentary about Justin Bieber will be in the theaters in February. And once it's out of theaters, Bieber will go where all the other talentless teenage heartthrobs go: the Disney Channel.

A study says that children in the U.S. watch an average of five hours of TV a day. Of the five hours, four hours and 50 minutes consists of negative campaign ads.

Facebook has spent $6,600 to fight the proposed Social Network Privacy Act. Do they realize how many FarmVille items they could have bought with that money?

A study says that pregnancy is less likely if the male partner is overweight. Mainly because women don't want to have sex with fat people.