"Dumped Flour"

Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.

Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.

A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.

Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?

Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.

Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.

Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?

There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.

There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.

James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.

Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Crotch Grabbing Dance"

The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.

The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.

Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.

A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".

A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.

A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.

A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?

Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.

A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.

The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!

"McDonald's Wipeouts"

An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".

Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.

Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?

Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.

Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.

A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.

A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.

A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?

“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.

All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.

A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.

That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"The New Voice"

Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?

The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.

Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?

A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.

Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Harry Baals"

First Lady Michelle Obama says her two daughters do not have accounts on Facebook. She added that they do not have Myspace accounts, which disappointed thousands of middle-aged perverts.

Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.

Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.

An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.

A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.

First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?

A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?

A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.

Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.

New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.

An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.

A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Attacking A Policeman"

Conan O’Brien lost one third of his viewers the second night of his new show. Mainly because his viewers realized that if they wanted to watch a drunk white guy make an ass of himself, they could just watch Letterman.

An Illinois woman is accused of attacking a policeman with a sex toy. In other words, she just stole the officer's handcuffs.

NBA player Gilbert Arenas admitted that he once defecated in a teammate’s shoes. And you thought the Wizards were crap before.

A nearly 300-foot tower being demolished in Ohio fell the wrong direction and scared people. Especially the people inside the building.

A Virginia bill is asking for a special license plate commemorating the Tea Party. It's for cars that only turn to the right.

Amazon is no longer selling a controversial guide for pedophiles. The book is called, "Becoming a Priest: For Dummies".

A study says that people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking to other people. No wonder I'm such a grouch.

A study says that people’s minds wander 47% of the time. In fact, it ...

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Mental Disorders"

“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.

Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.

Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.

A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.

A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".

A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.

The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.

Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Christian By Choice"

A new survey shows that Americans do not know much about religion. That's because all the brainiacs are not religious.

President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.

A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.

Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.

Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.

Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.

For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.

The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.

TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".

One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".

Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.

The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.

The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.

The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.

President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.

The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.

A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.

Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?

That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!

Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"A Wussy Game"

Reggie Bush said Thursday that giving up his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt”. Yeah, and I allowed the repo man to take my car, but I clearly made the payments.

NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.

NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.

A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.

Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?

Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.

An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.

A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.

The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.

A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.

A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.

A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

"Entirely In Klingon"

President Clinton says that anger, apathy and amnesia could hurt the Democrats in November. In his defense, they've already hurt the Republicans.

The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.

A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.

An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.

Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.

Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.

The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?

China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.

Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.

A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?

A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.

Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".

Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

"Smooth As A Jet Ride"

Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...

The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.

The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.

Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".

Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".

The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.

Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.

Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.

Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.

Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.

Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.

A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.

Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.

A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.

Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".

That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!

"Insured His Thumbs"

Joke of the Day: Rocker Bret Michaels is in critical condition. You know, the idiot on the Celebrity Apprentice with ugly blonde hair. But enough about Donald Trump...

The first pill designed to end premature ejaculation goes on sale in England for almost $40 a pill. Here's the weird part: There have been multiple purchases, yet it hasn't even been released yet.

In Arizona, protests over the crackdown on illegal immigration resulted in refried beans being smeared on the windows of the state Capitol. It could have been worse. The protesters could have eaten them.

Wal-Mart is facing a class action suit contending the retail giant discriminates against women in pay and promotions. To which Wal-Mart said, "What's a suit?"

Kate Gosselin’s eight children have been cleared to appear on her new reality show, “Kate Plus 8”. When you think about, that should have been the title of the original show.

Pres. Obama welcomed the World Champion New York Yankees to the White House, Monday. While with the Yankees, Obama reportedly asked for a few hundred million dollars.

Race car driver Fernando Alonso has insured his thumbs for 5 million euro apiece prior to the Spanish Grand Prix in Barcelona. Alonso claims those as his texting fingers.

In Silicon County, California, officials have proposed a ban against Happy Meal toys because they believe it's not helping their cause to end obesity. Yeah, the item that kids don't eat is the cause for obesity.

In Stamford, Connecticut, a man drove his car into a wall, went airborne and landed on the roof of an office. Police were puzzled until they saw a Toyota logo on the back of his car.

Two Illinois lawmakers are asking that the National Guard be called in to stop all the violence in Chicago. I guess Illinois lawmakers haven't seen the Chicago Bears play defense.

A study says that chimpanzees face death like humans. Who knew chimpanzees drove Toyotas?

The Post Office is asking for suggestions on how to stop losing so much money. The Post Office then realized that there's this brand new invention called "E-Mail".

Brazil’s health minister says that people should have more sex, as it helps to lower blood pressure. This sounds legit, but does it HAVE to be a minister who says that?

New research says that smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a poor diet can age a person by twelve years. So Kirstie Alley has started saying that she's 58 years old. Plus 12.

That's all I have for now. More later!

"Rubbing Their Eyes"

Hello everyone! These are my posts for Super Bowl Sunday of 2010!

Super Bowl viewers were rubbing their eyes over a TV spot pairing CBS late-night host David Letterman with longtime NBC rival Jay Leno, plus Oprah Winfrey. This was the 1st official gathering of the "older people who are somehow rich and famous".

Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge have broken up. I guess Jamie Lynn took Casey to school and Casey failed his favorite class: Zoey 101.

Police say a 13-year-old girl led state troopers on a nine-mile chase in central Pennsylvania at speeds of more than 100 mph. No, she wasn't running from the police. She was just in a Toyota and she couldn't stop it.

Police arrested a man they say tried to take their candy bars. What happened to the stereotype of police officers who just eat donuts?

Police in southern Germany said an officer has been suspended from duty after allegedly having sex in a Catholic church during a service. However, still no word on the status of the priests.

Well, that's it! I know it's limited, but bye!

"Classes In Personal Finance"

HELLO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS. THESE ARE MY MONOLOGUE JOKES FOR JANUARY 25

An Italian man who argued with his son over Sony PlayStation tactics was recovering in hospital on Monday after the teenager stabbed him in the neck with a 15-inch kitchen knife, police and hospital officials said. I'm assuming the video game advice was for Grand Theft Auto.

A woman who was visiting a museum tripped and fell, and put a 6-8 inch gash in a 100-year old Picasso painting. The last time a Picasso painting was this ruined was when it involved a sloth skeleton, caviar, and the Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.

A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Wal-Mart in southern Illinois. Considering he's a priest, only God knows what he was going to do with that.

A growing number of high school across the country are offering classes in personal finance. Among the high schools not offering that course: Barack Obama High School, George W. Bush High School, AIG High School...

Burger King is opening a restaurant in Miami Beach that will serve beer. This is the first Burger King in history that SHOULDN'T have a drive-thru.

Brett Favre was injured during the Vikings' loss to the Saints in the NFC Championship game, and many people are wondering whether this will be Favre's last game. To which Favre said, "This will be my last game. Then it won't be. Then I will permanently retire. And then I will sign a 1-year contract to play again..."

John McCain says the movement he led to reform how political campaigns are financed is dead. Isn't that because he LOST the 2008 election?

Well, thanks for reading this, everyone! More jokes to come soon!