Friday, December 6, 2013

"Lost Profits"

A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. Now I know why Oprah always shouts; she just couldn't hear herself talk.

David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.

A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.

Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.

President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.

People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?

Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.

A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?

Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.

The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.

Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.

Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!

Thursday, October 24, 2013

"Having Sex On Train Tracks"

An Ohio HS football player wrote a poem about his team’s poor performance. It described in detail their OT loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Brent Musburger once said that "quarterbacks get all the girls". If that's the case, my peak was in the second grade during recess.

The Congressional gym was open during the shutdown. Hopefully politicians used it to workout their differences.

The Chiefs-Raiders game set a record for the loudest stadium ever. In fact, Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor couldn't even hear himself not think.

Barbara Sinatra says Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not Frank Sinatra's son. This is becoming literally the whitest Maury Povich episode ever.

14 bags of pot were found in a 3 year old's backpack at a NY day care. People became suspicious when he drove to Taco Bell for snack time.

Two Russians having sex on train tracks were hit by a train. If her screams are loud enough to not notice a train, you're doing a great job.

Giants DB Prince Amukamara says people call him the Black Tim Tebow. He said this because he's a virgin, doesn't drink, and isn't an NFL caliber quarterback.

There's a new dating website called Twine where pictures can't be uploaded. It should've been called

Krispy Kreme recently honored "Talk Like A Pirate Day" by giving out free donuts. Here's how it worked: if you talk like a pirate you get a donut, if you dress like one you get a dozen, and if you do neither you walk the plank.

Well guys, that's all for now. Well, big news on the Schub comedy front. I'll be living out one of my comedy dreams on Monday, October 28th. I will be involved in my first ever roast. You see, my friend Jay Armstrong is in a child custody battle with some stupid bitch who cheated on him and wants custody of their daughter. If anybody reads this sumbitch, you'll know to come out to the Thompson House. The tickets aren't cheap ($15), but they will be worth it. The money will be used to help Jay fight this legal battle. Jay (and myself) could use all the support we could get. So I thank you all, and holy fuck this is was a long paragraph.

Friday, September 13, 2013

"The Got Dang Queers"

A man in Boston plotted to cook and eat children. And somehow, he's only the second most notorious Bostonian this year.

Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball in her new music video. This is the first time ever that a wrecking ball has gotten herpes.

Rush Limbaugh is writing a children's book. It's going to be called "How the Grinch Stole Your Tax Dollars To Help The Got Dang Queers".

An Afghan woman is wanted for stealing $1.1 Million from a bank she worked at. The real story here is that a woman in Afghanistan has a job.

Ariel Castro committed suicide in his prison cell. He did this after realizing that he's a dude named Ariel.

A study says there is a link between losing sports teams and overweight fans. To put that study in perspective, I root for the Bengals.

Louie Anderson recently did his first 3 meter dive into a pool. The moment was frightening for Louie, but even more frightening for the pool.

The NFL wants to ban large purses for women going to games, which means the only people who will bring purses to games play for the Browns.

A company has developed a cup that detects date rape drugs. "This is a major breakthrough," said Dave Lynch, CEO of Buzzkill Inc.

A new obesity map shows where the fattest Americans are. Which explains why today I was hit on the head by a giant red pin.

That's all for right now! Well, I'm 21 now, which means imma get drunk as fuck loljk I'm just getting into more open mics. The standup is going ok, I'm just trying to find the right stuff to write about.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

"Get That Camera Out Of My Face"

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.

The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.

Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."

A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.

There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.

A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).

Friday, June 14, 2013

"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"

Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.

Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.

A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.

A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.

Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.

Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".

Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.

An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."

In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.

A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.

The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.

Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.

A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...

That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

"Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver"

Holy shit, I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy doing standup and having a blast writing one liners on the Twitter. Here's an update at the topical jokes I have written over the past few months.

Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.

An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.

The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.

A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.

A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.

A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.

A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.

Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.

Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.

A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.

Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.

Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.

Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.

That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!