A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. Now I know why Oprah always shouts; she just couldn't hear herself talk.
David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.
A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.
Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.
President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.
People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?
Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.
A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?
Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.
The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.
Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.
Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!
Showing posts with label Oprah Winfrey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Oprah Winfrey. Show all posts
Friday, December 6, 2013
Thursday, May 31, 2012
"Five Wives"
A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.
Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!
Friday, April 29, 2011
"Acting Classes"
I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
"Killing Elephants"
A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?
A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".
The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.
A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?
A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".
The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.
A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 28, 2011
"Offering Scholarships"
Miguel Cabrera will return to the Detroit Tigers lineup this spring for the first time as a designated hitter. And pitcher Armando Galarraga is now in the lineup as Miguel's designated driver.
Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.
A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...
A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.
Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.
A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...
A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.
Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"A Half Sister"
Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Genetic Screening"
Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
"Banished Words"
It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
"A Black Eye"
Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Monday, December 6, 2010
"The First Pardons"
President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency. Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu. He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
"Gigantic Home Run"
Capcom is planning to launch a Facebook game in October. It'll combine the elements of Capcom as well as the elements of Facebook games. They are calling it "Resident E-Ville".
Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.
Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.
Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".
U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.
That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!
Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.
Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.
Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".
U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.
That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
"A Lock Of Hair"
Joke of the Day: Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. Police suspected that Donald Duck wasn't his name when the drugs were hiding in his pants.
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.
Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.
British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.
Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?
An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.
“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?
Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.
That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.
Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.
British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.
Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?
An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.
“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?
Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.
That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
"Twilight-Themed Apps"
Joke of the Day: A study says that Americans with kids 18 and under are less likely to get exercise and more likely to be overweight. Just like their kids.
The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)
Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.
Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.
The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.
I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.
The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.
Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.
A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*
President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.
The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)
Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.
Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.
The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.
I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.
The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.
Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.
A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*
President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Awarded To Kansas City"
Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"Los Suns"
Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.
Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.
The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.
Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.
The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.
A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".
A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?
Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.
That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!
Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.
The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.
Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.
The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.
A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".
A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?
Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.
That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!
Friday, April 30, 2010
"Interbred With Neanderthals"
Joke of the Day: Iranian police are warning that women who have a suntan will be arrested. In related news, Iran has released a search warrant for the cast of Jersey Shore.
It’s National Arbor Day. I celebrated by reading the newspaper and printing off tons of flyers about it.
Oprah Winfrey’s cable network OWN will air a show called “Inside Rehab”, which is about treating eating disorders. What's next? Is the Tiger Woods Network going to air a special on treating sexual addiction?
A spokesman for NASA says that claims of life on Mars are “absolutely false”. I don't need a spokesman for proof. I need a video camera.
The 83-year-old actress who played Thelma Lou in the original “Andy Griffith Show” was robbed recently in Mt. Airy, NC. She was given the option of giving the robber her money or her life.
Scientists say they have new evidence that humans may have interbred with Neanderthals about 100,000 years ago. They call that evidence "Larry King".
The “National Enquirer” says Tiger Woods had sex with 120 women while he was married. Strangely enough, one of the women not on the list: His wife.
Conan O'Brien has grown a beard while in exile. Apparently that $30 Million dollars that NBC gave him was not spent on a razor.
President Hugo Chavez on Thursday invited Cuba's Fidel Castro and Bolivian President Evo Morales to join Twitter. To which both of them said, "No. In our country, we don't have internet."
Scientists say that the genetic make up of frogs is very similar to humans. That ought to cheer people up.
Oprah Winfrey has signed a $100 Million deal with Procter and Gamble. It's nice to see Oprah associate with something in Cincinnati besides an ice cream parlor.
That's all for now! More to come later today!
It’s National Arbor Day. I celebrated by reading the newspaper and printing off tons of flyers about it.
Oprah Winfrey’s cable network OWN will air a show called “Inside Rehab”, which is about treating eating disorders. What's next? Is the Tiger Woods Network going to air a special on treating sexual addiction?
A spokesman for NASA says that claims of life on Mars are “absolutely false”. I don't need a spokesman for proof. I need a video camera.
The 83-year-old actress who played Thelma Lou in the original “Andy Griffith Show” was robbed recently in Mt. Airy, NC. She was given the option of giving the robber her money or her life.
Scientists say they have new evidence that humans may have interbred with Neanderthals about 100,000 years ago. They call that evidence "Larry King".
The “National Enquirer” says Tiger Woods had sex with 120 women while he was married. Strangely enough, one of the women not on the list: His wife.
Conan O'Brien has grown a beard while in exile. Apparently that $30 Million dollars that NBC gave him was not spent on a razor.
President Hugo Chavez on Thursday invited Cuba's Fidel Castro and Bolivian President Evo Morales to join Twitter. To which both of them said, "No. In our country, we don't have internet."
Scientists say that the genetic make up of frogs is very similar to humans. That ought to cheer people up.
Oprah Winfrey has signed a $100 Million deal with Procter and Gamble. It's nice to see Oprah associate with something in Cincinnati besides an ice cream parlor.
That's all for now! More to come later today!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"A Carnival Attraction"
Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"A Lifeless Man"
Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".
According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.
British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".
A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.
A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.
New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!
Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".
New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.
Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.
An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.
Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."
Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.
Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.
For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.
That's it for now! More later!
According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.
British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".
A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.
A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.
New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!
Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".
New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.
Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.
An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.
Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."
Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.
Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.
For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.
That's it for now! More later!
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