"Knighted In England"

Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.

China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.

The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.

Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is strange, because I have that nickname for all the GOP candidates.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. I can't believe anyone would want to marry that annoying woman. And Katy Perry isn't that great, either.

Kelly Clarkson reportedly lost Twitter followers after she endorsed Ron Paul for President. I would've thought it was because of her music.

The designer behind Apple's products was knighted in England. I didn't know you could knight a casket.

And that's all I have for 2011! Let me sum up 2011 with one tweet:
2011 disappeared faster than Osama bin Laden, Moammar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il combined.

It's been a crazy as hell year. Let's hope 2012 is much better than 2011!!!!!!!

"McDonald's Wipeouts"

An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".

Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.

Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?

Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.

Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.

A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.

A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.

A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?

“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.

All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.

A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.

That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"

Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.

NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).

Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.

The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.

Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.

A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?

Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Water And Trail Mix"

South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.

Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".

Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.

Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.

Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".

Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.

A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Death Over Capture"

Police in Las Vegas arrested rapper Flavor Flav. He used his teeth to pay his bail.

Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?

Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.

The death of Osama Bin Laden set a record for the number of tweets sent around the world on Twitter. This broke the previous record, which involved desperate teenage girls saying how much they love Justin Bieber.

A study says that people who are obese or overweight by middle age are more likely to contract Alzheimer’s Disease. Wait, what was I just talking about?

The White House said that Osama bin Laden was unarmed during the raid that killed him. Actually, that would have been untrue, if a cane was considered a weapon.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Confirmed Dead"

Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Hey Osama, it's too bad those 72 virgins aren't in hell.

Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.

President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."

Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...

The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.

When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".

Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?

Osama Bin Laden

Osama Bin Laden is confirmed dead. Here is my final rant on Osama. Viewer discretion is advised.

Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an idiot. I'm glad you're dead, Osama.

Your people loved you, and I don't understand why. You were a selfish bastard who only wanted to fuck 72 virgins in heaven. Well, too bad you can't do that in hell. Burn in hell Osama. America HATES you.

"Encouraging Couples"

Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?

Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".

This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.

A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.

John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.

Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.

President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.

Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.

A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.

A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.

McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Deadly Unrest"

Joke of the Day: The UN has urged Kyrgyzstan to hold its elections despite deadly unrest. They were also urged to buy a vowel.

An American carrying a sword and pistol who told police he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden has been arrested. Here's my question: why can't we just find him first?

The new XBOX console - to be launched this week - will have the same price as the old system, but comes with Wi-Fi and a 250GB hard drive. The system's slogan will be, "There's no way you are getting off that couch".

A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, may keep his doctor's license. However, Murray is no longer allowed to sell tanning pills.

A kitten with two faces was born in West Virginia. It's not even a day old, and the cat has already beaten Joan Rivers.

BET is giving Prince a lifetime achievement award. Why? Was Miley Cyrus not available?

A study says that children whose parents set limits on the amount of TV they can watch actually watch less TV. Isn't that kind of the point?

South African soccer fans are causing a commotion with “vuvuzelas”, plastic horns that are being criticized for making the games “loud and unwatchable”. Something plastic made a TV show "loud and unwatchable". This can also describe Heidi Montag's significance to The Hills.

Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi at all its locations starting next month. This is the first time that "Starbucks" and "free" have been used in the same sentence.

A California Court will review an order to reduce the number of inmates. Here's how it works. Instead of ordinary people, they will bring celebrities in court so they are less likely to be convicted.

In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Doesn't that sound like something the KKK would do?

That's all for right now! More coming up later!

"Easier To Spot"

Joke of the Day: Oklahoma jail inmates are being given new uniforms to make them easier to spot. It's a Lady Gaga costume.

Filmmaker James Cameron, who made “Titanic” and “Avatar”, has joined in the effort to find a way to plug the leak in the Gulf. I mean the guy made a movie about one sea disaster, why not do another?

British Petroleum is using a huge diamond-tipped cutting blade to trim the leaking pipe in the Gulf of Mexico. Because when I think of ways to stop oil from leaking, the first thing that comes to mind is, "Hey, let's cut it with a blade".

Former Vice President Al Gore and wife Tipper are separating after 40 years of marriage. If Al Gore was cheating on his wife at strip clubs, would that make both of them Tipper?

Reality TV star Heidi Montag said she had to split from her husband Spencer Pratt just to have a chance to “get away from the lies”. Like the lie she made up that her body is 100% natural.

A Reader’s Digest survey in Germany found that only 5% of Germans would choose having sex over watching a German World Cup final game. The same survey said that 5% of Americans thought the other way around.

NBA Rookie of the Year Tyreke Evans of the Sacramento Kings was clocked driving more than 100 miles per hour. That's the last time the NBA gives a Toyota to the Rookie of the Year winner.

June is National Accordion Awareness Month. To get Americans in the mood for the loud and obnoxious noises, Joe Biden plans to give a speech about this month.

Sarah Palin says she's against repealing the ban on gays in the military. She also said that she doesn't want to put Republican senators at risk of dying.

The killing of al-Qaida's No. 3 leader is unlikely to derail the terror group for long. That's because they still have Osama bin Laden.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"The Cause Of Earthquakes"

Joke of the Day: A senior Iranian cleric says women who dress scantily and who have adulterous sex are the cause of earthquakes. In that case, why is Maury Povich's studio still intact?

US and Iraqi officials say they killed al-Qaida’s top two officials in air and ground assaults. And yet, still no word on Osama bin Laden.

The best-selling relationship book, “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”, will soon be on the big screen. The tagline: "Either way, they come from my... you know."

Twenty Nepali climbers are on a mission to clean up the area on Mt. Everest known as the “death zone”. Which is strange, because I thought Los Angeles was in California.

A set of quadruplets from New York have all chosen to attend the same college. In a related story, Kate Gosselin has just been inspired.

A suburban school district secretly captured at least 56,000 webcam photographs and screen shots from laptops issued to high school students, And those were just in the showers.

Returning from Mexico, Michelle Obama made a brief stop Thursday in San Diego to visit a community garden farmed by international refugees. She is calling this journey, "A day in the life of an illegal Mexican immigrant".

A gene variant that may help protect memory and thinking skills in elderly people has been identified by U.S. researchers. It's called a notepad.

A new study has found that almost six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin send home children who have minor illnesses. That means that six out of 10 child-care centers in Wisconsin have really good liars.

High school students attending a prom in Oklahoma say they watched as a repo man drove away a limousine they had rented. At least one person said they thought the limo was being stolen. It was a repo man, so that person was right.

A new study says that one third of U.S. teenagers with cell phones send more than 100 texts per day. The same study has found that 99 of these texts were gramatically incorrect.

Jay Leno says he knew that Conan O'Brien would land on his feet. That's weird. Conan usually says he lands on his hair.

A 9 year old boy in Georgia is raising money for his own heart surgery by selling manuscripts of his life online. A 9-year old selling his life story? And you thought the book called "Jewish Sports Legends" was short.

A study says that tanning is as addictive as drinking, with one third of all college students hooked. To both tanning and drinking.

A study says that people grow to dislike diet foods after a period of time. Actually, these people just try diet food once and they hate it.

Joe Biden is set to make an appearance on "The View". And you thought the panel for The View never shuts up.

A U.N. report says that India has more cell phones than toilets. Conveniently enough, the US has exactly as many cell phones as they do cars.

GM is teaming up with a Detroit church to try to sell more cars. That's right, America. GM needs a prayer to get their cars on the road.

Bill Clinton says the world sees too much infighting in the U.S. And his marriage.

That's all for right now! More upcoming!

"A Game Of Character"

European researchers have discovered that one hour of moderate to vigorous exercise a day can help teens beat the effects of a common obesity-related gene. Not only does it help rid of effects of obesity genes, but it helps you fit into skinnier jeans.

NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. I have an idea. Next season, have the celebrities be the couples in distress. It's more fitting.

Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. And SHE teaches US about obesity?

30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House. At the Easter Egg Hunt, for the 11th year in a row, nobody found the Osama bin Laden egg.

Actor Corey Haim employed “doctor shopping” to obtain 553 prescription pills in the two months before his death. I'm sure these pills had nothing to do with his death.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. In other words, the inmates have lost their TV privileges.

Zookeepers at Washington’s National Zoo think panda Mei Xiang is pregnant. The possibility of John Edwards being the father has not been ruled out.

President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.

Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. He also said that he thinks he will play really good golf.

A survey says that frequent fliers' favorite freebie at airports is Wi-Fi. They also say that they like the fact that the airport doubles as a mall.

FINALLY FROM MY FRIEND JIM BARACH
Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. Of course, he also thought he wasn't going to get caught cheating on his wife.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Teaching While Drunk"

Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki was ejected from Tuesday night’s game with the LA Clippers for complaining. He was mad that he couldn't play an actual professional team.

Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell says her new daytime television talk show set to debut in 2011 will be like “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” The only similarities I see are that the hosts are women, it will be during the daytime, and they are clinically obese.

Contestants on a British game show who were given were given the opportunity to spell out a profanity for points decided not to “in the name of decency.” This is something that Jersey Shore should have done a long time ago.

A 7th-grade school teacher in Southern California was arrested for allegedly teaching while drunk. It's Southern California; what do you expect?

A French man has been arrested for hacking into the Twitter account of President Barack Obama, French police said on Wednesday. Here's a piece of advice: people become suspicious when the President gives Twitter updates during a speech.

One in 10 Chinese adults already have the disease and another 16 percent are on the verge of developing it, according to a new study. I say China's job of becoming more like the US is complete!

Women who are overweight or obese do not appear to reap the same benefits in terms of weight-gain prevention, researchers say. Well DUH!

Osama bin Laden has warned Al-Qaeda will kill Americans if the mastermind of the 2001 attacks on the United States, Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, is executed, in an audiotape aired Thursday by Al-Jazeera television. So America has decided to kill Mohammed and Osama at the same time.

Arnold Palmer says that Tiger Woods should "open up". I think his legs already have.

A study by Australian psychologists says that men will risk it all for a beautiful woman. In America, we call that "Las Vegas".

A report says that a record number of Americans have been licensed to carry guns. Matter of fact, the standards of the NRA are so low, Gilbert Arenas is a premium member.

A study says that moderate drinking can help the heart. However, binge drinking can cause an unfaithful heart.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi tried to help his re-election chances by criticizing a female member of the opposition party for being too attractive. That would have never worked with Hillary Clinton.

The University of Wisconsin-Green Bay has switched the default font on its e-mail system from Arial to the smaller Century Gothic to save money on ink when printing emails. This news came from the website: www.idgaf.com

Richard Heene, father of the infamous Colorado Balloon Boy, has been released from jail into home detention and must now wear an electronic ankle device until April 4. Heene is furious. It buzzes every time he is within 100 yards of a video camera.

That's it for now! More tomorrow!

"No Longer The Strongest Ever"

In his State of the Union speech, Pres. Obama will share plans to energize the country and the economy. Yes, the plans that he will probably not enforce.

China has failed to restore relations with Tibet. I knew it was a smart idea Tibet that China was going to be unsuccessful.

The World Meteorological Assn. says that the 231-mph wind gust recorded in New Hampshire in 1934 is no longer the strongest ever. A 231-mph wind isn’t the strongest wind ever? That just blows me away…

A California school district that pulled a dictionary from classrooms because it defined oral sex will allow it back on the shelves. Little did they know that the dictionary had a picture as well...

The guest judges on American Idol Tuesday night were Avril Lavinge and Katy Perry. This adds to the American Idol Judge portfolio entitled “No Musical Talent Whatsoever”.

A man in Australia has been jailed because he hid 44 lizards in his underpants. By force of habit, Osama Bin Laden admitted that he was behind this.

A study says that using painkillers raises the risk of sustaining bone fractures. Ah, redundancy at its finest.